Instead, I wore that same fake smile I had consistently grown so accustomed to plastering on, and I pretended that I, and everything in my life, was 'fine.' That's the thing with acting and pretending; you can't keep it up forever. It's only temporary.Soon enough, reality crashes in like a tidal wave, making its presence known to the shore. My reality indeed crashed in.
I had Izzy, but she had her own life, and I would never intentionally keep her from that. She was in a sorority and was living her best life. Undoubtedly, she was always the life of the party, and I wasn't about to crash it. Aside from her, the realization that I was alone truly set in. I didn't speak of my family, so a lot of the friends she made just thought I was strange.
I became quiet, which felt weird. I've never been very extroverted since the darkness took over my young life, but I was never necessarily 'quiet' either. The loneliness was unbearable most days. I didn't realize just how bad I had allowed it to get until I spent my first stay in a mental health facility.
Izzy, of course, felt guilt and blamed herself for leaving me alone so much, which pissed me off at myself even more. I was supposed to be an adult who could handle herself, not my best friend's problem to watch after. Not all of college was terrible. After my stay in the mental health facility and getting diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, things got a little better with the help of the medicines I was prescribed. Although I hated taking them- and still do- I can't deny that they help.
"Arkansas was different. After the accident, I never expected to miss it here," I look around and wave my hand, pointing around toward the view outside the giant windows to our side, which overlooked the city.
"Especially not as much as I did. Arkansas has its beauty, though. Our University was in Little Rock, which wasn't bad. It was the nearby towns that stole my heart. During my free time, Kirby was my favorite town; Daisy State Park became my safe haven. The one thing that hasn't changed about me is that exploring still sets a raging fire in my soul. I started hiking and sightseeing like I've always wanted to and fell in love with newsites. I never felt at home there, though. I still don't feel at home here since I've returned, but it's the closest thing I've got." I say with a shrug and a smirk, impressed with myself and how easily I just unloaded that to him. Although, I shouldn't be surprised. Ander has always made opening up effortless.
Ander's creamy caramel-brown eyes focused intently on me the entire time I spoke. His gaze could be intense, but instead of fearing it as I did a bit ago, I began to welcome it. I felt seen and heard—something I didn't feel often, probably because I didn't allow myself to, but who's keeping track?
His smile never faltered. I don't know how long we sat there looking over each other. The waiter came with the check, and I tried to pay, but he scoffed and scowled at me briefly as if I had offended him, and he paid for it all. I thought we'd get up after he paid the check, but he showed no intentions of moving, so neither did I.
As he went to speak, Izzy and Maverick walked over to our table. They stayed standing, but Izzy pulled me in and squeezed me as she smiled at Ander. I could tell she was choked up seeing us together.
If she makes this awkward, I will kick her shin in.
Thankfully, Maverick begins to speak before Izzy can spout out whatever it is that is racing through her mind.
"We will head out and make our way back to my house. Do you all want to come?" he asks. I can tell Maverick is trying to be gentle, not trying to push either of us.
I'm half expecting Ander to take this as an opportunity to say it's time for him to go, and we'd awkwardly end this unexpected reunion as we will eventually, anyway. I never thought I'd even want a reunion for his sake. Now. . . Now, I don't think I want it to end. That's so selfish of me. I know I'll never be what he needs or deserves. I know the risks attached to being together that he isn't privy to.
My careless side, the part of me that willalwayscrave him, wants to say to hell with it all and be in his presence for as long as he'll allow me.
Ander looks at me as he silently questions what I want to do. Our eyes stay locked, and the air stays silent longer than it should; then, he nods at me. As if he's still capable of reading my mind like he once could, without any words spoken between us, he says exactly what I wanted to express myself.
He breaks our eye contact, allowing the thickness formed in the air between us to settle, and he turns toward Maverick.
"You guys go on ahead without us. Via can ride with me, and I'll take her home. If that's okay with you, V?" He asks, directing his attention back to me. Izzy is still plopped over my shoulder, gripping me as I rub her arm, trying to comfort her for some reason.
"Yeah, I'm okay with that," I say quietly, not attempting to hide my grin.
Izzy briefly squeezes me a little tighter, then she pulls back slightly and kisses my forehead.
"I'm so proud of you, V," Izzy whispers into my hair. As she finally releases me, I look up at her, scrunching my nose and faking a scowl.
"That kiss was very wet," I say jokingly, and we start laughing. She rolls her eyes and lunges toward Ander, pulling him into a tight squeeze as he gets to his feet to meet her. His height becomes apparent, especially in comparison to Izzy's short stature next to him.
"It's so good to see you, Ander! I'm so glad it ended up being you." She pauses as she releases him from her tight grasp, but her eyes stay locked on him as she wipes a tear away. "When it comes to her, It'll always be y—"
"Okay then, you guys, be careful; if y'all need anything, we are a call away." Maverick cuts her off, gently pulling her arm andtugging her away before she can make it any more awkward than she possibly already has.
I can't help but laugh as Izzy glares at Maverick as they walk away like he just committed an unthinkable crime. She looks back at us again and waves, mouthing, "I love you!" to me. I return her wave and cannot contain my laughter. Ander laughs right along with me.
My sweet friend truly means well. She doesn't know how not to say anything and everything that crosses her mind, which causes her to be brutally honest more often than not. Most people find that annoying and even consider her somewhat rude, but I genuinely love it, and I'd never change that about her. I never have to question where I stand with her because she blurts out exactly what she needs to say before I even have the opportunity to form the thought.
We pick right up where we left off, as he continues asking me 'simple questions,' and I answer them. I can't believe how comfortable I am and how he still makes opening up to him so effortless.
"I know you didn't go to the Art Institute of Chicago. But. . . Did you. . . pursue photography? In any other way?" He asks shyly, sounding hopeful. Ander was the only person who took the time to know the genuine passion and love I once held for the art form. He always seemed to love watching the way I viewed the world through a lens and the spark that it would ignite in me every time I was proud of an image I'd produced. He always encouraged me to take it as far as I could.
This will be a letdown for him; I already know it.
Ouch.This question wasn't asked with the intention to hurt, but it does. My head drops slightly as I shake it softly.
"No. . . It seemed pointless to photograph a dark world, and every ounce of beauty that once showed itself so easily seemedto evaporate instantly," I say almost in a whisper, trying not to sound as solum as I feel at my admission.
