I blink. My mouth opens, but the look in her eyes steals the words from my tongue.
She looks like she’s breaking, and I don’t know what to do, don’t know how to fix this.
“Lyra, I never—”
She pushes to her feet and flashes me a fake smile. “This is probably a good thing for both of us. It’ll be better this way.” She moves toward the door, her sweet scent trailing behind her. As she reaches for the door handle, she says, “I’m going to talk to Moonhart, ask her to discontinue my community service so I can focus on finals. I’m sure you’llbe busy preparing to leave.” Her gaze quickly flicks around my little hut, then back to me. “And a clean break would be best. So... goodbye, Cairn.”
The door opens, letting in a swirl of icy air that tosses Lyra’s curls around her shoulders. Then, just like that, she’s gone. The gentle click of the door closing echoes in my ears.
Should I do something? Should I chase after her? Is it foolish to want to try to make this work when so many things are trying to keep us apart?
I stand there, frozen in indecision, until I know Lyra is long gone. And then I look at her cup of lavender tea, sitting untouched on the table, and I feel lonelier and colder than I have in a very long time.
Chapter 37
Lyra
SITTING IN HEADMISTRESS MOONHART’S OFFICE, I focus on keeping my face as friendly as possible, trying not to let on how my emotions are whirling like a tornado inside me.
“You’re asking me to discontinue your community service?” One of her icy brows arches in the corner. “You know that wasn’t the agreement, Miss Wilder. You’re to complete one year of community service and prove to me that you can control yourself and your magic.”
“I understand,” I say, keeping my tone low. “And I’ve been working hard, and I think it’s helping. But with finals coming up, I could really use the extra time to study, and you know, so many study groups are on Saturdays.” I give her a small smile. “And I’m not asking to cancel the community service—I understand why it was assigned to me. I’m just asking if we can pause until finals are over, then I can start up again next semester.”
If I’m even still a student here . ..
I’m not sure if the headmistress knows that Cairn is thinking about leaving. If she does, she doesn’t make any indication of it to me.
But this is what I need. He’s leaving, and I need to separate myself from him. I can’t keep working alongside him every week, watching the gentleness with which he tends to the plants, wishing I could tuck myself into his arms and never have to leave.
It was temporary, I tell myself.Just like everything else in my life.
Headmistress Moonhart steeples her fingers and regards me through thoughtful narrowed eyes. I try not to let her see what I’m hiding, try not to let her hear the words I’m not saying.
“Please, Headmistress. I’m not going to mess up again. I just want to work hard, pass my finals, and start fresh next semester.” I dare a glance into her icy eyes. “I won’t let you down.”
Her gaze softens. “You’re not letting me down, Miss Wilder. This has never been about letting me down.” She sighs softly. “This is about trying to help you, trying to set you on the right path. It’s never been about punishing you.”
I give her a tight nod and stare down at my hands in my lap. Silence stretches between us, making the ticking of the clock on the mantel that much louder.
Finally, after what feels like a lifetime, she pushes to her feet, drawing my gaze up. “Very well. I’ll allow you a hiatus from your community service. Focus on your classwork, study hard, and control that fire. I want to see you back here next semester.”
This time, the smile I give her is genuine, even if it’s hiding my pain. “Thank you, Headmistress. I will.”
AFTER THAT, MY DAYS START to blend together. I used to look forward to my weekends, to my uninterrupted time with Cairn. Now every day is the same. Wake up early, trudge through my classes, study on the weekends, fall into bed, repeat. The days are gray, the snow a constant reminder of the impending end of this semester. And maybe the end of my time at the academy.
It’s a Saturday—our last weekend before finals week—and I find myself sitting near the window in our dorm room, staring out the frosty glass as snow falls lazily from the cloud-covered sky. And even though I shouldn’t be, I’m thinking about Cairn.
Typically, I’d be with him right now. But those days are done. Still, I can’t help but wonder what he’s doing. With the snow falling like this, he’s probably out shoveling, trying to keep the paths clear around the campus. I remember the last time we shoveled together, the cold shoulder I gave him when he tried to reach out to me.
My own voice echoes in my mind:It’s not like we’re friends or something.
My brow furrows, eyes narrowing as I stare into the winter sky.
It was a cruel, hurtful thing to say. I saw the look in Cairn’s eyes when the subtle verbal attack found its mark. Part of me wants to feel guilty for it, but the other part feels it was the right thing to do—for both of us. He’s leaving,I’m here for another couple years (hopefully), and whatever we were, whatever we had, wouldn’t have lasted anyway. The longer it went on, the more painful it would have become.
It’s better this way.
“Lyra!”
