My answer is clipped. “Yes.”
“And do you understand?”
“I understand it,” I say, and then turn to look at him. “I simply don’t accept it.”
He blinks like a burst of air has gushed into his face, but he waits for me to explain further.
“I’m glad you and Iaso found a system that worked for the two of you,” I say, my voice trembling. I wish I sounded stronger. More resolute. But resolute words are the best I can do right now, even if my demeanor is nothing of the sort. “But you leaving? That’s not going to work for me. I don’t care that you’re telling me when you’re coming back. I don’t care that you keep your promises and that you’ll return exactly by the hour you say you will. I can’t. I can’t be left,” I say, shuddering. “Especially not by you.”
A wrinkle etches its way across Nolan’s face.
“I understand,” he says. “I’m sorry, Darling. I fell back into what I was used to. But I should know better than to expect ourmarriage to operate in the same way as mine and Iaso’s. I should know better than to impose her rules upon you.”
I nod, clutching the quilt on the bed, letting it crinkle in my hands. “I can be sympathetic that you have anger boiling up inside of you. Really, I can. I know what the warden did to you. I know what it meant to lose your father so early—well, I don’t know, but I can try to understand,” I correct myself. “But we’re going to have to come up with a different way for you to handle it.”
“I’m sorry, Darling,” he says, taking his hand and placing it upon my knee.
At first I cringe underneath his touch, but when I glimpse the pain that slices its way across his tensed jaw, my heart softens, and I place my hand on top of his. His shoulders—so stiff—finally relax.
And just like that, something thaws between us. It’s not warm. Not yet. But melting, all the same.
“I feel so stupid,” I say.
“What for?” he asks.
“For believing that I could outsmart the Sister,” I say. “For not questioning the brew that Charlie gave me.”
“You have every reason to trust Charlie,” says Nolan.
“I know. But it’s not about trust,” I say. “It’s about the fact that we’re playing a game for which we don’t know the rules. And the being we’re playing against created the game herself. I should have double-checked. I should have been more careful.”
“The same could have been said of me,” says Nolan. “I didn’t question it either. I just wanted so badly for our marriage to be…”
“Normal?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No, never that. I’m no fool. But I wanted our marriage to be… good. Not just for me. But for you. I wantedto give you everything any other wife would be able to expect and more.”
“Maybe we could still have that,” I say, my hands finding my belly for the first time.
I tear up as dreadful, horrifying hope buds inside of me.
“The tapestries,” I say. “Our alternate future. We were supposed to have a girl, were we not?”
Nolan nods.
“There’s just as much chance of that as having a boy,” I say. “What if? What if, for once, we could be lucky? What if the flip of the coin was tossed in our favor? Just once.”
Nolan’s face softens, tears forming in his eyes. “Then I suppose we could have everything we wanted. A happy little accident. A perfect ending.”
“I’ll do it. I’ll go to the Seer,” I say.
Because now, images are pouring into my mind. Ones I don’t know how to put up a fortress against. They’re hopes I’ve denied myself for so long. And now that I know there’s a flip-of-a-coin’s chance at happiness, I can’t help but dream of it.
A little girl. With dark hair the color of Nolan’s that falls in waves like mine. His green eyes. Hopefully, his wit and determination as well.
“We’ll start on the path tomorrow,” says Nolan.
I nod.
