I go and sit down, my limbs weighty. He hands me the plate of desserts, but I set it next to me, unable to think about eating at the moment.
“Did he tell you, then?” I ask. “Why he’s leaving?”
Maddox nods, hands interlocked, elbows on his knees as he leans forward and looks sidelong at me.
“Was I wrong in asking him to stay?” I ask. “Was that selfish of me?”
Maddox stares at the open door, pondering my question. When he doesn’t answer, I say, “I can’t even blame him. I don’t know how he’ll ever forgive me. I didn’t mean to, of course, but he’s right—I didn’t listen to him. And now his fate is so much worse than what it could have been.” Again, I think of my parents. “This is horrible of me, but even knowing that it’s my fault… I still can’t help but be angry with him for leaving. That’s not what husbands are supposed to do, is it? Leave?”
Maddox rubs the back of his head.
“How much has Nolan told you about his childhood?” he asks.
“He told me what happened to his father,” I say. “He told me how he didn’t know how to cope with that pain as a child. That he started to lash out at his siblings. That was how the warden convinced his mother to conscript him to the orphanage.”
“Nolan has quite a lot of anger buried deep inside of him,” says Maddox. “He’s able to get it out most of the time. Sparringhelps. Especially with me, since I don’t mind a bruise or two,” he says, looking down at his arms and chuckling.
“He’s come a long way since he and I first met. He was such a hothead when he and Iaso first got married. You see, he has this fear,” says Maddox, wringing his hands together as he leans forward, “of lashing out against those that he loves. Like he did to his siblings when he was a child. Like he did to his mother. He’s afraid he’ll lose control.”
“I don’t believe that,” I say. “I don’t believe that Nolan would ever hurt me.”
“No. I don’t believe that either,” says Maddox. “But the pain and the fear run deep.”
“I can see how that would be the case, especially if your mother sent you away as a child,” I say, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“When we first met, he and Iaso had only just gotten married,” says Maddox. “She was fiery, that one. As you can imagine, they would quarrel, and often. Nolan would get so upset, so angry, that he would just leave.”
“Like he did just now?”
“No. No, not like that,” says Maddox. “He would leave without telling any of us. We would have no idea when he would return. It could be a few hours, it could be weeks of us waiting at the port. I can’t tell you how many times I found Iaso crying, wondering if he was coming back or if he’d finally left forever.
“Then one day… she stopped crying. He returned after an especially long time away. I think it was several weeks, and she squared up her shoulders, strode up to him as he came onto deck, and told him he wasn’t to leave like that anymore.
“The whole crew went silent listening to her. She was so calm about it, but so firm, too. She said she knew why he was doing it—why he was leaving. He was afraid that if he stayed, he would hurt her. I don’t know if he was afraid of the words he would sayor that he would lash out physically. But I know it came from a place of wanting to protect her.
“But knowing his leaving came from a good place wasn’t enough for Iaso. She told him he wasn’t to leave anymore. Not like that, at least. If he needed time, needed space, he’d have to tell her he was leaving, exactly where he was going, and how long he intended to be away. She made him promise her he would be back by a certain time.
“She told him that she would not accept him being gone longer than three days. She said that was all she could bear. And that the next time he left, he had better be back at their agreed-upon time. Because to Iaso, his leaving didn’t feel like him trying to clear his head, trying to calm himself. It felt like he was punishing her.
“Nolan hadn’t realized the pain he had caused, of course. I don’t think he would have done it had he known. But that was their agreement from that point onward, and it worked for them—their system. Nolan could leave and clear his head. And Iaso would know that it was only because he needed that time to calm down. And she would know exactly when to expect his return.”
“I didn’t know that was the system,” I say, heart a little numb.
“Well, you and Nolan are going to have to develop your own systems,” says Maddox. “But I thought it might help to know that what he’s doing, he’s doing to protect you. And he’s doing it the best way he knows how.”
“He will come back?” I ask.
Maddox smiles at me, somewhat sadly. “Of course he’ll come back.”
CHAPTER 27
ASTOR
Which of the Sisters I have to thank for the fact that of all the places in the world we chose to dock, it happened to be Narioma, I do not know.
Not that I intend on sending my regards, anyway.
But I’m no fool—there is no such thing as coincidence when the Sisters are involved, so that a little town by the name of Karaki is only half a day’s journey by foot from Narioma does not escape my notice.
