“More than anyone else, mom. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to upset you.” My heart aches from making her cry again. “I know how much you love Eleanor.”
“I love you, sweetheart. I thought she made you happy. It doesn’t matter if you want to be on your own or with someone else. I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy, mom. Maybe the happiest I’ve ever been,” I say, meaning it. I don’t mention that the main cause of this happiness is currently upstairs, thinking God knows what about me. Betty can’t really think after everything that’s happened in the last few months that I would get back together with Eleanor. Can she?
I need to talk to her. She needs to know how I feel about her. That I don’t want Eleanor. That I only want her. That I’m so fucking in love with her, I can’t think clearly.
“Well, no more keeping your true feelings from me,” Mom says, leaning back to look at me and sniffing. Her eyes are red and tired. She’s been through a lot this weekend. “Whether it’s getting a tattoo or joining a biker gang. I want to know about it!”
“I promise, mom.”
“Good.” She takes my face in her hands as she smiles a blurry smile up at me. “But please don’t buy a motorcycle, darling. They are so dangerous.”
Chapter 38
Betty
We’ve been in Rilla’s room for the last thirty minutes. During that time, she and Maggie have been getting along obnoxiously well. They’re talking about anything and everything while I lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Rilla has never shown any interest in finding her own place. The last time I asked her about it, she shrugged and said, “All my stuff is here.” The room looks almost the same as it did when we were in high school, minus the movie posters. When she was eighteen, Rilla discovered theA Song Of Ice And Fireseries and made a hard one-eighty turn into fantasy fiction. Never looked back.
A small tole-painted chest sits on the floor of her open closet, and I wonder if she still keeps snacks in it. Rolling off the bed and opening it, I’m rewarded with a smorgasbord of simple carbohydrates and saturated fats. I grab an opened bag of chocolate-covered pretzels and a jumbo bag of skittles and slink back to the safety of the bed. I’m ravenous from hunger and before I know it, I’m shoving both kinds of junk food into my mouth, like it’s some sort of demented trail mix.
I’ve been trying to imagine every scenario of what could be happening downstairs, and the blast of sugar sends my brain into hyper-drive. In my crazed thoughts, Eleanor and Josh sit side by side at the table. Their hands touch as they both reach for something. Their eyes meet and suddenly neither can look away. They’re comforted by the familiarity of each other and instantly aware of how much they’ve missed being together. Her eyelids flutter closed as she leans toward him, and he responds by meeting her halfway. I hug a corduroy decorative pillow to my chest. It’s not the same as having Emotional Support Pillow Carol, but it will have to do.
“You’re being weird,” Rilla says to me. “Isn’t she being weird?” She looks at Maggie, then back to me. “Why are you being weird?”
“I’m in love with Josh.” The words sound casual coming from my mouth like I’ve just said, “I’ve got a bit of a headache” or “I might make myself a sandwich.” Rilla stares at me and I stare back at her, shoving more Skittles into my already full mouth.
After a pregnant pause, she says, “In love with him like you were in high school? Or for real in love with him?” She knew that I had feelings for him in high school? Not once in our years of friendship has she ever mentioned this. But then I suppose I never brought it up either.
“For real in love.”
“Is he in love with you?”
I respond with “I don’t know” at the same moment that Maggie says “Definitely.”
“Oh, come on,” she says as we both turn our attention to her. “It’s obvious to anyone who observes the two of you for more than ten seconds. He goes all heart emoji eyes whenever he looks at you. The man is basically wearing an ‘I love Betty St. Claire’ T-shirt at all times.”
“I would totally buy that T-shirt,” Rilla says thoughtfully.
“Right? We could make them ourselves. I have a Cricut Printer!” Maggie tells her.
The two of them start talking about her Cricut Printer and everything it’s capable of doing. It seems like the options are limitless. Rilla seems to have forgotten that I’ve just professed my love for her brother. When she starts quizzing Maggie about the cost of the vinyl materials, I lose my patience.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but can we focus on my problems again?” Both women look at me.
“You’re in love with Josh and he’s in love with you. What exactly is the problem?” Rilla shrugs as she looks up at me from the floor. Her long legs are crossed casually in front of her as she leans against the wall. I can’t believe she’s being so calm about this.
“Even if Josh does have feelings for me, we need to address the elephant in the room. The elephant being Eleanor, the room being the kitchen.” Have they forgotten that Josh is eating lunch with her directly below us? I certainly haven’t. I sit up in bed, accidentally knocking the snacks to the floor in the process, and Rilla leans forward to grab them.
“Did you not notice his expression when he saw her? He wasn’t happy. His entire body clenched,” Rilla says, shaking her head. “They’re done, babe. Finito. My parents just haven’t gotten the memo yet.” She pours a few of the brightly colored candy into her cupped hand and then offers the bag to Maggie.
“Do people still send memos?” Maggie asks, accepting the red bag.
“Probably not? They probably went away with fax machines.” Rilla contemplates as she pops the candy in her mouth.
There is a soft knock on the door and my first instinct is to hide under the bed. I roll off the mattress and kneel beside it like a child saying their bedtime prayers. Rilla mouths “Seriously?” to me as she moves to the door, and I quickly settle myself back on the bed, trying to look calm and not insane.
Get it together, Betty.
