Alanna felt as though she’d been struck by lightning. ‘You didn’t… I mean, you never actually loved him. Did you?’
Her mother was angry. ‘I never loved anyonebuthim, Alanna. But he died. And I’m still here.’
Alanna didn’t have a single thing to say in response to that. And her mother didn’t give her a chance, walking out of the flat on her bombshell, closing the door gently behind her. She heard Jonty say, ‘Ah, my fair maiden.’
‘Good luck, Jonty,’ Alanna muttered to herself. But it was just sarcasm to cover her very complicated feelings about the most revealing thirty seconds she’d ever spent with her mother. What a thing to find out so late. It wasn’t that she’d never loved him. It was that she’d loved him far too much.
She slumped onto the sofa, trying to wrap her head around it. Just then, Keira walked in. ‘Hi,’ she said shyly.
‘Hello,’ Alanna said neutrally.
‘Umm, I was… I was thinking that I should probably say I’m sorry—for this morning.
Alanna gave a thin smile. ‘Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.’
Keira nodded, relieved. ‘I’m so glad you’re not still upset. I just want things to be back to normal.’
‘Yeah. Normal.’ Alanna’s mind went to her mother, or rather, the wreckage of her left behind by the love of her life lost forever. How easy it was to get stuck in that love, even when it was over or gone. Or never was, like Brian’s love for Carol. Like Alanna’s for Keira.
It was time for some hard growth.
‘Look, Keira, I think it’s time we… I’m going to move out.’
Thirty
Disappointment was not new to Keira. Neither was sadness. Grief was an old buddy. But today, they felt brand-new. Because these feelings had not been felt in a while. She’d built a wall around herself a while back that would have kept the emotional version of a zombie outbreak at bay.
But now, those feelings were breaking through the barriers. Because Alanna was leaving. And all because Keira had tried to sleep with her to keep her at arm’s length. Well, behold her terrible success. Alanna would be gone soon. Keira’s confusion had driven Alanna away and once that happened, she wouldn’t have any part of her. The friendship would vanish once they had no reason to see each other because that was the way things went.
Keira wouldn’t have it. Not the leaving, there wasn’t a thing to do about that. What Keira wouldn’t have was the pain. She refused to let it win. Because if anyone was good at winning with a bad hand, it was Keira.
As she watched Alanna making an appointment to see some house share on the edge of town, she promised herself that everything would be alright. Maybe better, even. Because she could go back to being herself. The old set-up would have to be resurrected as soon as possible. Yeah, maybe she didn’t want casual sex with a stranger right now, but it was like riding a bike. She had to get back on someone to remember how to do it.
Alanna finished her call. ‘I’m going to see a place tomorrow.’
‘Yeah?’ Keira said casually, slipping her phone out of her pocket and opening an app. She began the process, swiping yes and no on several women. It didn’t have that old edge of excitement to it, but there was something to be said for the familiarity.
‘Yeah,’ Alanna said, glancing from Keira to her phone. ‘It’s a nice enough looking place, a bit closer to work.’
Keira nodded, looking between her and the phone. ‘How about your mother, you taking her with you, or have I inherited her now?’ she asked lightly.
‘I’ve got a feeling she won’t be under either of our feet for much longer. She’s snagged herself some poor bugger from the fourth floor, Jonty.’
‘Oh, yeah? I’m on elevator nodding terms with Jonty. I think he’s, umm, maybe a pharmacist?’
Alanna sighed. ‘A pharmacist. That ought to just about do for her.’
Keira continued swiping.
Alanna solemnly looked at Keira like she was going to say something serious. Keira kept her eyes down and pretended not to notice. Alanna started talking anyway. ‘Look, Keira, I hope you don’t… I’m not moving because… It’s been nice living here.’
Keira glanced up. ‘Alanna, say no more. You want to move on. You don’t owe me a thing. That was what we said at the beginning, right? You’re not tied to me,’ Keira said coolly, as though she didn’t feel completely ripped up inside. It was just pain. It would pass.
‘Yes, I know we said that at the beginning. But we’re friends now, aren’t we?’ Alanna said with an edge of desperation in her voice.
‘Sure,’ Keira said with a shrug, swiping right on some girl with a bull ring through her nose. ‘Friends. Maybe we’ll get coffee now and again after you leave. You can fill me in on Sandra’s latest drama. Maybe do some more driving lessons?’ It was starting to make Keira feel nauseous, talking like this. But what the hell else was she gonna do? Get down on her hands and knees and beg her to stay?
Alanna smiled thinly. ‘Yeah. Sounds good. It’s been a stressful day. Would you mind if I commandeered the bathroom for a bit? I could really do with a soak in the tub.’
