Alanna nodded. ‘That’s one way to put it.’
He thought about it for a second and then took a deep breath. ‘Mmm. Yeah. I think I’ll grow another time. My Mum texted me, she’s made a shepherd’s pie.’
Alanna didn’t sigh or tut or show her disappointment. She simply smiled and said, ‘OK, then.’ She couldn’t live people’s lives for them.
***
Alanna let herself into the flat and dropped her keys in the bowl by the door. ‘Benjamin? You in?’
There was no answer, and Alanna thought she was alone, which was a relief. It had been a long day of other people’s problems, and she could have done with some space. But then Benjamin appeared in the bedroom doorway. His arms folded, and his body rigid. ‘Hello.’
Alanna knew right off that shit was about to go down. ‘Hi. You OK?’
‘Fine,’ he answered tightly.
Alanna smiled as if she didn’t hear the tone. ‘Great.’ She went to the kitchenette off the living room and opened the fridge. She felt Benjamin slide into the area and rest himself against the worktop. She ignored him, grabbing a bottle of beer. She had a feeling she was going to need it in a minute.
‘We need to have a little chat about something,’ Benjamin said ominously.
She popped the lid and took a sip of sweet, numbing alcohol. ‘Oh?’
‘I came in ten minutes ago, and guess what I found?’
Alanna didn’t have a fucking clue, nor did she want one. ‘What?’
‘Your makeup was all over your pillow. I’ve had to pre-treat it. Those sheets are organic cotton, and I don’t know if they can be saved. Why wouldn’t you take it off before you went to bed?’
Alanna would have loved to tell him that the reason there was makeup on her pillow was not that she had slept with it on, but because she had screamed into it rather than at him. But that wouldn’t help, she knew. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re sorry? What good is that when you don’t learn?’
Alanna could feel her knuckles whitening. ‘Please don’t talk to me like a child.’
‘Don’t act like one, then,’ Benjamin told her.
Alanna looked at the beer in her hand and briefly considered bopping him over the head with it. Instead of committing manslaughter, she put it down and walked into the bedroom. She went into the en suite bathroom, and there was the pillowcase soaking in the sink. It had a slight dark smudge on it.
She thought of Justin saying, ‘So you’re saying I can grow as a person or…’
Alanna sighed through her nose. She walked back out. ‘Benjamin, I realise this is an issue for you and I’m sorry that I made a mistake. But I can’t live under these conditions. I need to be able to not do everything exactly right. I can’t live in fear like that.’
Benjamin looked at her, eyes wide. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying…’ This was it, the moment to choose. Grow or wilt. She knew what growth was. It was leaving him. She wasn’t happy. She didn’t love him anymore. She wasn’t sure she ever had. ‘I’m saying…’Come on, just say it. SAY it.‘…I think we need to work on this.’
To be fair to herself, growth was pretty hard.
Benjamin sighed and smiled. He put a sensitive hand on her shoulder. ‘You’re right. I was… I could have been kinder about it. And you could have taken your makeup off. So, we both need to work on things.’
Alanna suppressed the desire to take his hand off her shoulder and snap his thumb like a Kit Kat. ‘I think I just need to… maybe take a walk, get a breath of fresh air?’
Benjamin gave her a magnanimous smile. ‘Of course, darling.’
She dashed out as quickly as she could, wondering if there was somewhere she could go and release her rage. A vent to scream into, maybe.
Out in the hall, the elevator doors slid open as she approached them. Someone stepped out, a woman with feather earrings and a denim skirt. She walked toward Alanna, and they passed in the hall. It was a tight space, and they had no option but to address each other. ‘Hello,’ the woman said.
‘Hi,’ Alanna said uncertainly.
