“I understand,” Mathieu admitted. “And I know I should have been terrified because we risked being caught—but I can’t live like this.” He looked Sven in the eye. “You asked how I can be so happy. But it’s a question of survival. Right now you make me want to live. And being with you is what makes me able to keep going.”
Sven gave a faint nod. “But think about your parents. The Nazis have already come looking for you; you’re on some kind of list. If you’re caught, that will put your parents in danger, because they’ve hidden you. I won’t be safe either.”
Mathieu let the words sink in. He realized that his behavior had been selfish. If it came out that Mathieu had been kept hidden, then of course the Nazis would take a closer look at his parents and they’d be in harm’s way. Plus their work with the resistance movement would be at risk of being revealed.
“We can live here,” Sven went on. “We can be together. Here. But we have to be careful.”
Mathieu didn’t say anything.
“Here at the vineyard, we can dance in the darkness,” Sven said.
Mathieu thought about Gerard again. About how he had once said almost those exact words in order to teach Mathieu how to carry on. When the war broke out and they both were called up, Mathieu had been inconsolable. But Gerard had wanted to spend their last few days together behaving as if nothing had happened. He didn’t want to talk about the war anymore, he had said. He wanted them to have fun together, to live life to the fullest.Dance in the dark.
Mathieu later said the same thing to Sven. The fact that Sven had repeated those words, had tried tounderstandMathieu, made his heart break.
“And the Legion?” he asked.
Sven looked at him for a long time. “I don’t know. I wish I had an answer, but what can I do? I haven’t been able to get back, and there’s nothing they can do about that, but sooner or later I’ll have to return.”
“Do youhave to?”
“What else can I do?”
“I’ve been living like this for four years now.”
“And I’ve signed a contract, taken an oath. A soldier doesn’t break his word.” Sven was whispering now, as if someone from the Legion might be lurking around the corner in one of the passageways.
Mathieu gave a brief nod. So he was going to lose Sven too.
He couldn’t bear it. He turned away.
Sven gripped his shoulder, but Mathieu shook him off and left the cellar.
The following morning Mathieu woke early. He couldn’t stop thinking about the quarrel. Sven had tried to make amends, but Mathieu hadn’t been able to let go of the question of the Legion. Once again he thought about what Gerard had said, what Sven had said. Who knew how much time he and Sven had left together? Something terrible could happen tomorrow.
Mathieu knew exactly how to surprise Sven. A little gift to make up for yesterday. Previously, Sven had talked to Mathieu about the wild raspberries and strawberries he used to pick back home in Sweden in the summer. Mathieu knew a place where delicious raspberries grew in abundance. So before breakfast, before the sun had even risen above the treetops, he grabbed two mugs and crept out. No one would see him at this early hour.
He arrived back just after Sven had woken up, and met him in the doorway. Mathieu had found wild strawberries, too, and both mugs were filled to the brim. This would make a fantastic breakfast. Triumphantly he held up his treasure, showing Sven the dark-pink berries.
“Where did you get those?” Sven looked neither pleased nor surprised, just suspicious.
“I picked them in the forest. I know the perfect place from when I was a kid.”
“So you snuck out into the forest?”
“I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to talk about yesterday and apologize for ...”
Sven’s expression hardened. “So even after what happened yesterday, you snuck out into the forest?”
“Yesterday was fine, it was only Mom. No one saw me this morning. I was careful and I was only out for a little while, less than a hundred yards away. I wanted to apologize for pressuring you about the Legion last night.”
“To apologize for ...” Sven raised both hands in a gesture of resignation. “What is it you don’t get? This was how everything started yesterday.” He spoke calmly even though he was clearly furious; thevein protruding in his forehead gave him away. “So you put yourself in danger, and now you’re trying to say sorry by doing the same thing again.” He shook his head.
“But I did it for you.” Mathieu placed a hand on Sven’s cheek, but he pushed it away.
“Someone might see us.”
The dismissive action broke Mathieu’s heart. “Like who? My parents? I’m prepared to stand up for this, for our relationship. I’m prepared to stand up for my love for you, but you’ve made it perfectly clear that you’re not ready to reciprocate.”
