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You Are Mine.
I own everything inside of you. Including your beating heart.
—Billy
Chapter Twenty-Two
Noah
“Noah, come on. You gotta get off the ground.”
I recognize Chase’s voice, but I barely hear it because I’m fucking numb. But then if that’s true, why does everything still hurt?
My head hangs, eyes on the dirt.
I hate me too, Goldie.
“Noah,” Chase presses, urging my shoulder back, but I dig my fingers deeper into the cold hard ground, feeling the hurt underneath my nails as they jam into the earth.
I want to hurt, to feel all the pain I’ve caused. I’ve ruined us. I’ve broken her heart with my lies and selfish cowardice.
And now she sees me for who I truly am.
So, I’m not going to move. I won’t. I’ll stay here until I stop hearing her call me by my name or seeing her look at me like a goddamn stranger.
“Dude,” Chase calls to me again, but I shake my head.
“No,” I bark, not making any sense to anyone but myself. “I never lied about how much I loved her ... I never ...” My voice falls off, the rest said only in my head:I wanted this life. For her and Noah.
I hate myself. I wish I could kill Davis. Make it so his fucked-up life never existed.
“Fuck you,” I say between gritted teeth as my fist hits the ground. Then again until it grows faster and in force, pounding the ground so hard that I feel my skin pop before blood starts to spill over the grass beneath me.
“I hate you,” I roar, spittle falling from my mouth. “I fucking hate you.”
I hit the goddamn ground until I can’t lift my arm anymore, but that doesn’t stop me. I throw my other arm down, trying to demolish the spot where she told me she’d never forgive me. That she hated me.
A place like that can’t exist. It just can’t.
I hurl my arms down, but Chase grabs my wrists, stopping me. “Dude, stop. Noah ... fuck. You’re bleeding.”
My head falls between my arms as he holds them together. I look like I’m praying. I wish there was a god to help me. I’d give anything for her forgiveness.
“I lost her,” I whisper. “She’s gone ... I fucking lost her.”
“Shit.” I feel Chase’s hands cup my armpits before he tries to drag me up to standing, but I push him off.
“Just fucking leave me. Get outta here,” I groan. “Without her I’m dead anyway, so who fucking cares how it happens.”
But Chase keeps fighting with me. He pulls me up until I’m on my feet and standing in front of him.
I can’t even look at him. Everything fucking hurts too much. My chest jerks with the emotions I’ve kept at bay for so long. The self-hatred, the desperation, all of it. Everything bubbles to the surface, making my shoulders shake as I cry.
He grips my face to make me look at him, and his eyes connect with my red-rimmed ones. My hand lifts as I speak through the sadness.
“I love her. I fucking love her so much.”
