“I can’t lie to you. You always hear what I mean, not just what I say. Remember?”
I do, but this time, I’ll hear that my worst nightmares are true.
“Okay.” My answer feels small for what we are about to do.
He looks down and back up to my face.
“Right after you get new underwear,” he says, and I nod. “It’s distracting.”
He smirks, and I turn and walk into the bedroom to grab a new pair of panties. Luca is standing in the doorway watching me as I turn around and pull them up.
The way he looks rattles me to the core; he’s afraid. I’ve never seen him this way, and it’s unsettling. I want to comfort him, tell him I won’t run, that I love him enough to stay. But that would be a lie. I love him enough to try, even to fight for us, but it’shislove that’s a problem. I walk toward him as he takes a step into my bedroom and freeze when he starts speaking.
“I never touched Shelby. What you heard was her pretending to want to fuck me, like I was her savior, rescuing her from Giovanni, but I knew she was full of shit.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Giovanni’s handiwork is much more brutal and uncontained. I’ve seen it.” I wince at the thought as he continues. “I was being set up. They wanted her back in my life so she could give Gio information on me. They thought they could play on my heartstrings. Shelby mistakenly thought I cared for her.”
Luca takes a seat on my bed, and I do the same, next to him. He absentmindedly draws tiny circles on my thigh. “How could I care? I’ve only ever loved one woman.” His hand retreats, and he clasps them together in his lap, looking into my eyes. “So, I made her beg. Made her drop to her knees and beg me to suck my dick.”
I know what he’s saying is true—I remember it. I’ve always known this is the truth. What seemed sexy became obvious hatred when I saw the players and now seems brutal as I understand the context.
“Why?” I catch myself saying aloud, and he looks at me, his eyes filled with regret. “Luca, I want to know.”I need to know.
I have to understand what is more important to him than us.
He cradles my face.
“Because the man I am to others isn’t the one you love. I’m cruel and unforgiving. I punish and not with pleasure. I’m a monster, Gretchen, and now you will always know who I am.”
His voice is so gentle, the opposite of his words.
I can’t look at him; all his fear and anguish play across his face. I feel it in my soul. He’s anticipating my hate, accepting it. Luca lets me go and stands to walk toward the window. His resignation pisses me off.
“You’re a coward!” I bite out, and he turns to look at me angrily. “You always assume I don’t see you. When will you learn? I know who you are. I’ve always known who you are. I love you despite it. Your cruelty is part of your beauty. You punish those who deserve it. But in all of this, you still don’t see it—you don’t understand the role you really play.”
My body shoots to standing, and my palms cover my face as I exhale into them.
He’s still not accepting his responsibility in a mess he’s created. I run my hands down my cheeks as he smacks his chest. His voice raises as his anger grows.
“You know me? You love me despite who I am? I wanted Shelby on her knees, begging and humiliated. I took pleasure in watching her suffer. That’s who I am. How can you love that? What the fuck am I missing, Angel? Tell me.”
The hatred he has for himself clouds every piece of judgment.
We stand staring at each other, my chest heaving from my rage.
“You’re so stupid. You wanted to humiliate her because she took from you, and you still can’t admit that the life you were trying to build meant something to you. Your denial fed your fucking choice.” I throw my arms up. “You chose to punish her when you should have walked away…for me. And I won’t forgive that. I love you, but it’s not unconditional.” I drop my arms and blink back my tears.
Luca grips the top of my desk chair, dropping his head and looking down.
“You think I chose her?” He picks up the wooden chair by my desk at the window and slams it back to the floor, then turns and points a finger at me. “I hold you above all. My love for you is dangerous to every other fucking person who would come between us. It’s almost too dangerous for you, Angel.” He’s seething. “Tell me what you need.”
I shake my head, not wanting to go any further. Now I’m the coward, too afraid to ask for what I want. But he won’t let me back down.
“What do you want from me to prove how sacred you are to me? Because you are, Angel.”
He runs his hands through his hair, locking his fingers behind his head, elbows spread.
“I need you to admit what you did.”
My voice is unwavering. It’s that moment, the one we can’t come back from.
