“And then,Ileft you,” I said, realizing how much that must have stung when he’d already felt abandoned by our mom.
“Yeah.”
I had this picture in my mind of Evan at the funeral, his face twisted in anger. He’d simmered with it the whole service, his cold shoulder feeling personal at the time. He, more than my dad, became a reminder of my shame, and I hadn’t wanted to face it, even over the phone.
Only now did it occur to me his anger might not have been about me that day. That maybe if I’d reached out, I could have helped him through it sooner.
“I should have called,” I said. Being here in person had been beyond my capability, but I could have checked in. Should have.
“If I’m honest, I’m not sure it would have made a difference,” he said. “It was easier for me to hate you than be angry with her.”
I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. “Does that mean you don’t hate me anymore?”
He sighed, long and deep. “It means I’m tired of being angry, and I miss my big brother.”
I ignored the ache in my left arm and looped it around him. He lowered his head to my shoulder.
“I missed you too, baby bro,” I said into his hair. More of his weight rested on me as if he didn’t have to carry it alone any longer. It meant everything that he trusted me with it again.
As if the clouds agreed, they parted enough for a few rays of sun to shine through, officially banishing the gray. Or maybe that was Mom looking in, telling us she was here.
“I want you to know I’m excited for you,” Evan said. “For your job in Colorado. I won’t be mad when you go. I mean, at least we’ll be in the same country this time,” he teased.
“If I go.”
He pulled back and looked at me.
“I haven’t accepted the job yet,” I explained. “I was on my way to talk through the details with Coach Dotson when I got your message about Dad.”
“Wait, so…are you thinking you might not take it?”
I shifted on the towel, rolling out my shoulder to hide my unease. I didn’t know what I was thinking. Other than I’d be a moron not to take it. Even if the pay was shit, it’d be the perfect job for me. I didn’t need much money to be happy; just enough to get by comfortably. Boxing was the thing I needed most.
Or it used to be. Now I kept going back to how nice it had been to be close to my family again. To see my dad multiple times a week. To have the option to catch up with my brother in person rather than video chat, even if he was too pissed to speak to me.
Thinking of leaving again put a sting in my chest that hadn’t been there the previous times I left.
“Because of Aubrey?” Evan asked. I might have been mistaken, but he sounded almost hopeful.
“No,” I said quickly. Probably too quickly. “We’re back to just friends.” It tasted like a lie. Not because I wasn’t her friend—I always would be.
But she would always be more to me. The person I wanted in all ways. Ached for so much I sometimes couldn’t breathe. Loved in a way I hadn’t believed I was capable of.
If I was the rose in my grasp, she was the sun brightening my world, shining the light that inspired me to grow. The thought of being near her made me want to both stake my feet in the ground so nothing could tear us apart and fling myself as far away as fucking possible before I did real damage.
Already, I’d fucked up. Stressed her out with the tournament drama and my shoulder. She didn’t need more.
“So what, then?” Evan asked.
I let out a sigh. “Dad’s heart attack, for one thing. We don’t know what kind of rehab he’ll need, and handling that shouldn’t all fall on you.”
“Look, I appreciate that. I do,” he said. “But I’m already living with him. It’s not like I have to uproot my life again to keep an eye on things. And this is the Olympic team we’re talking about.”
Itwasthe Olympic team. So why did going feel more like a penance than the dream it should have been?
“I guess I’ve still been thinking about my own gym,” I admitted. “Not Coach Lou’s. That’s not an option anymore. But maybe finding somewhere else. A place that could be all mine.” I saw the vision I described to my mom—the career plan Noah and I had sketched out for him. The fellowships I’d foster within the community. The sanctuary I’d create for anyone who wanted one.
That was my true dream. To lay down roots. Buy actual furniture and let myself settle. To build a home.
