Seventeen
Logan
The moment that Derrick turned his back on him, Logan half regretted what he had said. In a very real way, Derrick was offering Logan everything that he had wanted, but what choice did Logan, ethically speaking, really have? There were certain things that he couldn’t do for anyone, even someone that he loved.
So he let Derrick leave, even if everything in him, every nerve and bone and muscle and sinew, told him to reach for the other man and pull him back into his arms. To kiss him, just like Derrick had kissed him. To never let him go.
Derrick left, and that was a mercy because even Logan’s willpower was being strained by the sight of Derrick’s slightly bowed head, his slumped shoulders. Logan didn’t understand it, but Derrick did legitimately seem to care about him. It was a confused, messed up sort of caring, not good for either of them, but it was evidently there.
He hurt Derrick. Derrick hurt him. In the end, this was the best thing, and Logan ignored the endless black pit which had opened up where his stomach had been before and told himself it was all for the best. His heart obviously didn’t know what was best for him. He was going to have to rely on his logic, even though that had never exactly been his strongest point.
“Nice,” Craig commented, entering the room after Derrick left, having obviously just seen Derrick’s face. It was better for Logan not to have to imagine what Derrick had looked like.
“Shut up, Craig,” Logan replied automatically, his hands blindly finding, and cupping, his mug of coffee. It was still warm, and he soaked up the heat and tried to find some sort of comfort in it.
“That’s my baby brother that you just broke,” Craig said bluntly, his eyes, normally a warm, brilliant shade of blue, cold and angry. It wasn’t all that common to see Craig angry; he was always the one telling jokes, the one who didn’t seem to take much seriously. Logan and Craig had always had that in common.
There was no hint of warmth there now, though. Craig had gone into protective big brother mode, and even knowing more about the situation than Craig did, Logan couldn’t even blame him, not really. As Craig had pointed out, Derrick was the baby of the family, and everyone was naturally protective of him.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Logan would have liked to be angry, for the words to come out defiant, but they just sounded exhausted. And he was, way down deep into his bones, in a way that was only partially because of the early hour.
Craig opened his mouth again, and Logan groaned softly. He didn’t want to hear about it. This was hard enough for him, and he didn’t expect, not reasonably, for Craig to understand that. Not when it came to family.
So before Craig could say anything, Logan, still holding his coffee cup, went out the side door and into the cold morning. It was early enough that everything was only dimly lit, the sun barely poking its head up, and that suited Logan’s dark mood perfectly. He walked away from the house toward the barn, not thinking really.
He had to get away from Craig because Craig would probably say all of the things that Logan wanted to say to himself. Even after everything, he still hated himself for hurting Derrick. In a fair world, Derrick would be the absolute last person that Logan should ever hurt.
The barn loomed out of the semi-darkness, and Logan turned to it as he always had. Instinctively, he went to the sweet, hay-scented building, warmer than the air outside because of the animals that lived in its shelter. He breathed in deeply and let it out slowly, but even the magic of this place couldn’t really help him settle himself, not this time.
He and Derrick had come here together. The hayloft had been the spot where they had always met. And now, he had to be honest with himself; he was never going to be able to see Derrick, so beautiful and intelligent and amazing in so many ways, spread out for him over the piles of hay. Not ever again, except in painful memories.
Without even thinking about it, even though he knew that he was poking at wounds that really should not be poked at, Logan swung up into the loft. Derrick’s silent presence was all through this space.
“Logan!”
It was Craig, of course. Craig was the only person that it could be, other than Derrick, and Logan was under no illusions about whether or not the younger man would want to seek him out. Of course, he didn’t. He had kissed Logan, and Logan had pushed him away. It had been the hardest thing he had ever done, but he had done it.
Logan held his peace. If he were very, very lucky, Craig would get bored of looking for him. Or maybe he would assume that Logan had left by the other entrance. He stayed still, barely daring to breathe, as he listened to Craig’s footsteps on the worn wooden floorboards.
They approached the ladder, paused, and then the structure shifted just slightly under Craig’s bulk. It was well-built, but Craig was so big, thick with muscle. Still, the ladder had held Derrick, who was taller than Craig, and it had held Logan, who was nearly as broad.
“Just go away. Please?” Logan tried to keep his voice strong, but he wasn’t sure that he succeeded. Certainly, Craig’s eyes didn’t soften.
“You’re acting like an infant,” Craig said, and Logan winced a bit, but he couldn’t even really deny it. How else was he supposed to act what with everything that had been going on, though? He was only human.
“Look, can you just stop? It’s been a bad enough morning without this,” Logan requested, resting his head back against the piles of hay. If not for all the work to do, he thought he might just curl up right here and doze off. But he didn’t have that luxury.
“Why are you doing this? If it’s been a bad morning, didn’t you sort of do it to yourself?” Craig asked, and Logan sighed and shook his head. It wasn’t even that Craig was wrong; it was just that it was so simplistic.
“Look, you seriously don’t know what you’re talking about. You have no idea what’s going on here,” Logan said, letting his eyes drift closed. Craig was outraged, and clearly in protective big brother mode, but he just seemed to want to talk.
“I would if you just told me,” Craig replied, and it was reasonable enough, except that it wasn’t. Not in this situation.
“Forget it,” Logan said. The absolute last thing he needed was for Craig to know the whole story. No one did, except for Logan and Derrick themselves, and it was better that way. Craig wanted to talk now, but if he found out that Logan had touched Derrick, that they had been lovers, for lack of a better word, not only might Craig kick Logan’s ass, but Malcolm definitely would.
“Okay. Then we’ll sit right here until you do,” Craig decided. “I saw him kiss you, Logan. I saw you push him away. So what the actual fucking hell has been going on between you and my little brother?”
Logan sighed and let his eyes slip open, just a fraction of an inch. Enough that he could see Craig’s determined face through the veil of his eyelashes. He didn’t speak, and neither did Craig, who just looked at him expectantly.
