So Logan would be wary, and he refused to let his gaze rise above the level of the part of the horse that he was grooming at each exact second. He had to be so completely on his guard, it was exhausting, but there were no other options. Not unless Logan wanted to give up the ranch and everything on it …
The idea stuck in the back of his head. Nagged at him, something that he couldn’t quite seem to shake, no matter how hard he tried. It wasn’t a thought that ever would have occurred to him before, but there was a curious, destructive allure about it now.
Derrick wouldn’t be anywhere else. Of course, where would Logan go, even if he did choose to leave? He couldn’t just abandon Malcolm, no matter how bitter he honestly was sometimes that Malcolm had found something which had eluded Logan. Not that it was Malcolm’s fault, but Logan was only human.
Derrick wouldn’t be here forever, though. That was the thing to hold on to. It was the only thing that could make this somehow almost bearable. He just had to hold out a while longer, and then Derrick would be off to university again, and Logan would be free.
Funny thing about that, though. He had been saying that to himself for quite a few months now.
“I wanted to talk to you,” Derrick said, and Logan raised his eyes, for just a second, to meet Derrick’s. He saw determination there, and the same anger that he had seen before, the same frustration. It made as little sense as ever.
“Why don’t you go talk to Jessica?” Logan asked, sort of hating himself for how petty that came off. But, as petty as it was, he felt entitled. He wasn’t the one who had lied here. Or that was how it felt, anyway, although Derrick had never actually said the words. He had definitely misled Logan, regardless.
“Logan…” Derrick started, but Logan had just officially had enough. The tone of the other man’s voice was exasperated, slightly annoyed, as though Logan were the one being unreasonable in this situation.
He was really getting a crash course in just what he actually meant to Derrick, wasn’t he? Which was to say, nothing. He meant absolutely nothing to this man. Other than maybe an easy, convenient way to get off without needing to jerk off. But now Derrick had Jessica for that, didn’t he?
“Just fuck off,” he suggested, his gaze fixed unerringly on the smooth, glossy back of the horse he was grooming. She was completely tidy now, not a speck of dust anywhere on her, but he still brushed her like his life, and hers, depended on it. Not that she minded the extra attention.
“Nice,” Derrick commented, and Logan didn’t say a single word. What was there to say? The moment he had pushed Derrick away, he had regretted it. But what was the other option? He refused to be the guy on the side while Derrick had his nice, heterosexual relationship. He had too much self-respect for that. It was a close thing, though, because even through his anger, his body burned with the desire to pull Derrick close, to lay his claim on him.
But Derrick was taken, and maybe it had not been the easiest thing in the world for Logan to accept, but he had now.
He listened, rather than looked, as Derrick walked away, each footstep another wedge driven between them. Which was, he told himself, all for the best. It was far, far better for him and Derrick not to keep on doing whatever it was that they had been doing.
The only question in Logan’s mind now was, did he tell Jessica? Given that he and Derrick would not be doing anything ever again, as far as Logan was concerned, was there any reason to do so?
Of course, there was. Her man had cheated on her. Repeatedly. And if Logan hadn’t cut it off, Derrick probably would have kept right on doing it. That was definitely her business and the sort of thing that she should certainly know.
Somehow, even with everything that had happened, though, Logan couldn’t quite resolve himself to do it. Maybe it was that he didn’t want to hurt Derrick, even with everything that had happened between them. Maybe he just wanted a clean break, before his heart got more broken than it already was.
It was something he was going to have to think about. He could always hope that Derrick had learned his lesson, although he was having to come to grips with the fact that he really just didn’t know Derrick at all if Derrick could do this sort of thing to both Logan and Jessica.
At least Malcolm wasn’t here. By the time his best friend got back, Logan sincerely hoped that he would have his head, and more importantly, his heart, back together. Because the idea of facing Malcolm with this, and not telling him how terribly everything had gone with Derrick, sounded horrible. Even just explaining the situation would be bad enough.
This was never going to end well. Logan had known that from the beginning. What had he expected, when he and his best friend’s little brother had fallen into bed together? He really was all alone with this. There wasn’t a single person on the planet that he could think of to talk to this about.
Which was all for the best, he told himself firmly. He wasn’t exactly proud of a lot of his actions. It was probably time to tuck his tail between his legs and slink off.
Which brought up another thing for him, he realized, as he led the contented, clean mare back into her stall. What if he did leave? It was a thought that he had instinctively shied away from when he’d first had it, but the more time passed, the more he thought it might be the best way to go.
He had a fair bit of money saved up. Not enough to retire on, by any stretch of the imagination, but Malcolm had always paid him fairly, and room and board were included along with his salary. And it had been a long time since he’d had any sort of life that would make him spend a lot of money.
Maybe there were options. He would have to talk to Malcolm, of course, and he would need to be careful about it since he very much wanted to hide what had been going on with Derrick. But Malcolm was a reasonable man. Much more now that he was so happy with Kyle, too.
Grimly clinging to the positive thought, even though part of him suspected that Malcolm would understandably be thrown for a loop, Logan tucked all of that away to think about later, when he was supposed to be sleeping. He wasn’t getting all that much sleep these days, anyway.
He could spend some of that time more productively, perhaps. Think about what his life would be like away from the ranch. It wasn’t like he was committing to anything yet. It wasn’t a crime to think.
He felt guilty about it, but it would be a way out. No one could deny that. And Logan was starting to think that a way out was the only thing that was going to help him keep his shit together now that he had lost the only person who had ever really, truly mattered to him in a romantic way.
Maybe it was just a fantasy, leaving the ranch, but then again, maybe it was nothing short of the only thing that would help Logan get over the gut-wrenching heartbreak. He had let himself fall, and now he was paying the price.
