“If you’re going to act like a stupid little cunt, yes.” She stares, looks disgusted. No, furious. I’m not changing my mind, though. “If you think I’m allowing you to put yourself in danger, you're wrong. I said I’d help. I will. But on my terms.”
She launches at me, all ire and vigour, until she’s battering my chest and trying to scratch my face off. I hold her firm, eventually wrapping an arm around her throat and kicking her legs out from beneath her to calm her down. “HE KILLED MY FAMILY!” she screams, still battling me. I know that, but it isn’t stopping me from keeping her safe. “MINE!” She kicks and struggles the closer she gets to the ground, more twisting to get away from me. “NO!”
“Calm down.”
“FUCK YOU!” My hands grab her wrists, knee nudging until I can get between her legs and she’s pinned down under me. “GET OFF ME!”
“No.” I breathe in, trying to relax myself before this turns offensive.
“I HATE YOU!” Interesting, but she’s still not moving.
My fingers tighten, keep tightening until she’s got nothing but flipping her head back and forth to try avoiding me. I can hear the sniffs. See the tears welling up in her eyes. Feel every ounce of years of frustration rolling off her in waves of anger.
Doesn’t stop me smothering her more.
Doesn’t stop me needing her more.
“I hate you,” she says, as she cries. “I do. I hate you, and…” She gets a hand free, swipes at my face and tries rolling. Not happening. “No. Get off me. I hate-“
My own frustration boils over, making me brutish with her. “Stop, Alice.”
“NO!”
I move, bracing her arm so I can get my palm to her forehead to force that still. “Just fucking stop, will you?” She doesn’t, even with my whole body trying to calm her down. “Don’t you know how much I love you?” I let my eyes bore into hers, let my body mould into hers. Everything begins to stop. Forced that way with words rather than brute strength. It slows like a tornado unwinding until there’s nothing but air and her and me.
I scowl as she looks at me, and keep my hold fierce on her. Two heartbeats. One slow and steady. One loud and ferocious. No fucking way am I losing that counter balance. “I do, and I won’t let you put yourself in harm’s way.” She stays quiet. No words. She just looks at me, all wide eyes and trembling lips. “My vow to protect you is still here, Alice. It will always be here.” My hands ease, a long breath hauled in, until I pull away and fall back on my knees to give her, and me, some goddamn room. “Don’t fucking ask me to fail at that again.”
Watching her move backwards, I keep my gaze steady with hers. I don’t know what this is now, but there is neither dominance nor submission in this room. We’re just two humans from different backgrounds, somehow finding common ground in our worlds because of death and hatred and confusion.
A breath blows out of me, the frustration and fury calming a little.
She lifts up onto her elbows, frowns over those still trembling lips. “You love me?”
What a stupid damn question.
“Of course I do. What the hell else do you think this is?” Her mouth stutters around words she can’t find, body slowly twisting until she’s leaning on the edge of the bed. “Yes, Alice. I love you.” I chuckle a little to myself, suddenly hearing my own words in the silence. “Fully. All in, as you say.” I rub my hand on my chest, letting the words and feelings find a home inside me. “Don’t expect it said often. I’m not that kind of man.”
Silence. Good. I need it after that admission.
I keep looking at her, watching as she pulls her legs up and clasps her arms around her knees. Pretty Alice. Naked. All those colours on display for me. Pink cheeks and attitude still shining. She’ll get the world from me if she wants it. Be treated like a fucking princess. Have a home to feel safe in. A man to feel safe with. As safe as anyone can with me and my morals.
“That’s a big ass word,” she murmurs.
“Yes.”
“And I suppose you want me to say it back.”
I shift from my knees until I’m over by the drawers, my back resting against it. “Not unless it’s the truth. I just needed you to understand the facts. I’m not trying to take something from you, Alice. I’m protecting something I love.”
I don’t know what’s going through her thoughts, as she watches me watching her. She’s just there, her small frame drowned by the size of the bed behind her and yet somehow she’s the only thing relevant to me. All this around me could burn for all I care in these minutes. None of it’s real. It’s greed and extravagance, all procured from immoral carnage and generations of corrupt endeavours. If this wealth should be in anyone’s hands, it should be hers, not mine.
She moves suddenly, rushing the floor to get to me and crawling into my lap with a grace only she could offer. My surprised arm eventually goes around her back, the other hand gently cradling her head as she tucks it into my chest. No words, but they’re not needed for now. This is all I want from her. Trust. I need her to trust, to lay safely, and to know that I’ll deal with it. I’ll handle whatever it is that threatens her. My little Alice. My little tiger who needs no one.
I want her to need me.
The feeling overwhelms me, as time goes by like that. It provides more comfort than I’ve ever felt before her, allowing me private thoughts in the silence I’ve never dared feel before.
A home – a true one.
