Hannah comes into the room and hands him a coffee cup, her body bypassing him until she’s in front of me. “How are you?” she says, running her fingers through my hair.
I flick my face away from her, not wanting her or her sympathy anywhere near me. I didn’t do it for that. I don’t try to end it because of sympathy. I end it because of me, because of the things in my head that constantly leave me cold and empty and craving something I can't find.
“Fuck off,” mutters from me.
“Careful, Malachi,” Gray says.
Sneering, I keep looking at the other wall. I’m not interested in discussing anything at all unless I can feel my Alice again. My eyes close, body wishing it could turn over and block them both out. I’m done with talking for now. Done with fucking breathing again, too. There’s nothing to talk about, and, for now, no way of ending what was supposed to be ended.
Chapter 3
Ally
All these rooms bouncing in their odd disarray.
It makes more sense to me now, as I pass through the people in search of that elevator I came down here in. They’re all off their heads. Out of it. Living on a different fucking planet with their drugs and pills. The thought slows me a little, eyes casting out over the crowds milling and fornicating as if nothing matters at all. Maybe it doesn’t. What do I know about their lives? Nothing. I only know about mine. And mine isn’t here.
Bypassing a man who seems to have another man’s arm inserted into his ass, I swing my stare to a scream coming from the left. Chains again, one being flung at a woman as she dangles in another set of them. People are laughing at her pain. They’re watching that chain land and laughing as she bleeds for them. They seem to be prevalent here – the chains. Men in them, women. Dark corners and the smell of sweat lingering, the sound of metal rattling. I can hear them under the music, almost feel the grate they must produce when they’re manacled to skin. Nothing soft. Nothing designed to be pleasing or kind. Monsters – all of them.
I’m almost there with them, too, becoming immune to the inhumanity. More freakery.
Whatever.
Shifting my pace up a gear, I weave more people until I eventually find the metal door I was after. It doesn’t open as I approach, nor am I able to find any buttons on it to press. It’s just there taunting me with an exit that I can’t use. I look back into the masses, wondering how I leave or if anyone ever does. Maybe they don’t. Maybe these people spend their lives here with Malachi presiding over their existence while he tries to end his.
A sadness erupts through me again. I can’t explain it, or where it’s come from. It’s almost enough of a wave to make me vomit, and I fall back onto the wall by the doors. So sad, like everything just became pointless and lacking meaning. I can see it in all of them out there, regardless of their smiles and apparent fun. They’re like a crowd of shapes all of a sudden, bouncing and moving and yet swept with a dull fog of grief.
My head shakes, mind trying to get back to sensible and logical thought, and I pull the sliver knife from my pocket for some kind of defence. I’ve not been forced to take anything since …. When? I don’t know. I’m sane, though. I am. This makes no sense around me. Lag. That’s what Gray said. He said that sometimes the pills lag inside. They must be lagging now, affecting me still somehow now I’m back out here in this cesspit of opulence and degeneracy.
Back crawling the wall, I grit my teeth and head straight towards the huge steel door on the other side of the room. If this elevator doesn’t work, then maybe that one will. Finally arriving at it, I run my hands over another seemingly barred exit route. Buttons. Levers. Something. Anything for fuck’s sake. Nothing. Just a wall of steel bedded into the rock face that we’re all apparently trapped inside.
My fists pound it, eyes still searching for an exit regardless of there not being one, until I’m so full of rage tears of anger start streaking down my face. I’m getting out. I am. I need to go home and see my brothers to deal with my own life. None of this is right. And I can feel the same panic rising up in me that comes with planes. Freaks – all of them. Malachi especially. And I want this feeling gone. I’m done with it. And this place. And all these people with their oddities and sex.
“Alice.”
The sound of Gray’s voice makes my head whip sideways, fingers clawing the tears away and knife pointed. “Let me out!” He stares. No emotion on his face. No care for my outburst or angered state either. “I want to leave. Now. I want to get out so I can breathe. I can’t breathe here and you’re all fucking crazy. And freaky.”
His hand goes up in the air, one pointed finger circling. I don’t know why. What is that? “Calm down.” My gaze flips back into the crowd, perhaps searching for meaning or potential threat. Nothing happens. And then a loud puff makes me jump backwards, feet tripping over themselves. His hand is on my back before I manage to stabilise myself, pushing hard to get me through what seems like an exit.
Falling into clear space, I stumble and then right myself. Freezing air hits my skin at the same time as lights emerge. They blink and flicker slowly, several of them lightening a weak path through what was gloom and blackness. One, two, three. Six, seven eight until there’s a tunnel leading somewhere. The sudden jolt of sound makes me glance back where I came from. It’s the door closing again, bringing near silence with it but for a dull beat of music still reverberating. It isn’t until I’ve acclimatised to that that I notice the footsteps somewhere.
My body turns, eyes looking everywhere amongst the low light cast around, as I keep pointing the letter opener. “Who’s there?”
“Off you go then. Run. It’s what you were brought here for, isn’t it?”
Gray again.
My shoulder’s roll, panic beginning to calm. “Where are you?”
“Here.” I look to my left. “There.” He chuckles. “Amusing game he’s played with you.”
I smile slightly, remembering that with Malachi. “You’re not him, Gray. And I’m not scared of you either.” Maybe I should be. I’m not, though. He’s not like those men that chased that girl in the castle. He’s calmer. More steadfast somehow. If that’s possible.
Although calm doesn’t always mean sensible. Anything’s possible here.
With nothing else for it, I start walking along the tunnel in the hope that outside will arrive soon. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get there, but outside is not inside, and hopefully some solution will present itself at some point. In fact, maybe Gray is that solution.
“I suppose you have your own plane, too,” I murmur, listening to his footsteps somewhere.
