The lights from the car still illuminate the house. Perhaps he’s waiting for a sign? I flick off the table lamp and go back to the place where I can gather my calm. It's nice out there, quiet, but for the wind that's hustling the coastline. Perhaps it's a good place to die, or just gain sense. Either way, I'll gaze at the ocean when he comes for me. Try to imagine the boy his mother knew and smile at the man inside, because my time to think is up.
Benjamin's home.
Twenty-One
Idon’t even know what the fuck I’m doing here. I should be letting her go, avoiding her. I should have thrown the rest of her clothes out with her and let the world know that Hope Winters means that little to me. Just another whore. Nothing more, nothing less. Instead, I’m sitting in the damn car staring at the house I gave her to run to if things went bad. They did. Between us.
The lights illuminate the wrap around porch, showing me memories I don’t want. Love. Compassion. Mother’s hands looking after scrapes and cuts on my skin as we sat on that old blue swing. She’d sing songs to me, swipe the hair from my face and tell me to suck in the tears. Hold them in, she’d say. Don’t let anyone see them but me. And then, after a while, even she didn’t want to see them. The last time they came she slapped my face and told me to stop. She told me there wasn’t much time left for just us two and I needed to grow up. Fast.
That’s what I did. With a gun in my hand.
I play with my beads and glare at the building, trying to work out what I’m going to say. This feeling is new to me, like something is eating up my insides and cutting fissures in my guts. I feel lost without knowing she’ll come back, and I don’t even fucking know if that’s missing her, refusing to have her go, or God forbid, being in love with her.
A light goes out in the main lounge, the faint glimmer of it disappearing along with the moon in the sky. Clouds, heavy and dark, have come with me. No fucking light to show the way now, just the gloom above me, one probably in there waiting for me, and the continued echo of her words in my ear.
“Should have known you’d pick them over me. History repeats itself.”
What the hell did that mean?
All day I’ve been thinking about those words. They make no fucking sense at all. Pick them over her? I haven’t picked them over her, not until this shit started anyway. She’s been all over the goddamn place. The Hope I know doesn’t do any of what she did last night. She’s exact. Perfect. Precise and always in control. That, last night, was like she’d lost it. And while I still don’t trust the bitch, this isn’t over until I say it is. I want answers first, and then I’ll make a decision.
Who is she anyway?
At the moment, I don't know.
I cut the engine and open the door, frustrated. All this fucking time together, and for once, I don’t have a goddamn clue what’s going on in her head. I damn well knew she’d come here, though. Something in my gut told me, drove me here the moment I gave in to searching her down. Answers are all I want.
The steps seem endless as I climb them. I’m not going to like what I hear in here. I know that much. Fucking secrets and hiding shit. I thought we were past that, thought she knew better than to try that on with me. Maybe not, though.
Waves crash in the distance. I smile at their memories and turn the key in the lock, listening to them as I push in and close the door behind me. Silence sounds then. No music. No television. Nothing but the bare bones of the house creaking and groaning under the wind around us. I start through to the main lounge and flick on a lamp, searching the outlines of the space to find her, and walk through to the kitchen. It’s as dark in here, too. It’s only when a blast of cold air hits me that I realise the doors to the back are open. I peer out through the glass as I wander towards it, and see her head resting back on a chair.
“You drinking?” I ask, stepping out onto the deck beside her. She doesn’t look at me, just keeps staring at the black abyss leading to the ocean, gripping her drink tightly in her hand.
“It’s all there is left.”
I frown and slip my hands into my pockets, taking a step forward to stare out at the view with her. All there is left? That’s not like her either. She doesn’t do that morose kinda shit. She rules her kingdom, not letting a damn thing get in her way.
Apart from me.
“You going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Why should I bother?” she mumbles. “You’ll never understand.” Not likely to either unless she talks.
I glance back at her, noting the redness in her eyes. Tears long since cried by the look of them. “You could try me, Hope. I’m not all monster.” My tone is softer than I feel. Anger burns to let loose but seeing her shifts something inside of me.
Her head lifts towards me, her chin resting against the cushions she’s leaning on, and a sigh whispers from her lips.
“Aren’t you?”
I smile a little and go to the rails surrounding the deck, my ass leaning on them so I can look at her straight on. She’s still so goddamn pretty, regardless of the old tears in her eyes. Blanket wrapped over her, a blank expression on her face. Part of me wants to haul her up and kiss her, hold her. Wipe the remnants of those tired eyes away. But then, answers. I stand firm and stare, waiting.
“What are you even doing here, Benjamin?” she asks wearily.
“I want the truth.”
“No, you don’t. You’ve never wanted my truths. You’ve only ever wanted me to do as you bid, no feelings involved. Obedience and fucking. Wasn’t that the deal?” She takes a sip of her drink, eyeing me up, and then stares back out at the ocean. “Not that they’re truths you’ll accept anyway. So, again, what’s the fucking point?”
My frown drops further. She’s right. I’ve got no comeback at all other than forcing her to tell me, but for once, I don’t want that. I didn’t when I left the apartment, and I don’t now that I’m here on my mother’s deck. This place always was for truths. Trust. Perhaps that's why I gave it to her, an offer of part of me reserved for no one else. I want her to tell me because she wants to. Nothing more than that. And I want loyalty because of this emotion inside us this time, not just because of who I am.
