Panic rises in my chest, a tight squeeze that makes it hard to breathe. “Ben,” I say, my voice cracking with fear, “you need to stop. Ben, listen to me.”
But he pulls me off the table and on top of him, getting rougher, bruising my hips.
“Ben, no!”
The word tears out of me, and I twist away. The forks and knives on the table clatter to the floor, and I wrench myself free.
He looks up, startled—mouth wet, eyes wide, lips still parted like he doesn’t understand what just happened.
But I do.
For the first time since I met him, he frightens me.
The line between devotion and consumption felt paper-thin just now, and I’m not sure he knows the difference.
His body convulses as I pull myself fully off him. The burger slips from his hands as he collapses onto the table. His limbs jerk uncontrollably, and his eyes roll back in his head. I look up and around franticly.
Ben’s seizure takes hold as his body betrays him in the most terrifying way possible.
I’m out of my seat in an instant, my hands on his shoulders, trying to steady him. His mouth foams, and finally, I scream, “Is anyone a medic? We need help!”
Two or three servers burst into the dining room and rush out to get help.
Seventeen excruciating minutes later, the first responders arrive in a blur of noise and flashing light. I’m running, sprinting alongside the stretcher.
“He went off his dampeners cold turkey.” I say to the chrome haired woman.
The medics look at me and then look around, wasting precious seconds as Ben shakes in the cool evening air.
“Where is this man’s next of kin?” They look right over me, and I want to commit murder.
I rock the stretcher, roaring, “I am his wife. And if you don’t start this cart, I’m going to throw you onto the tracks and roll over you myself.”
I hear a few laughs and claps in the background.
Ben’s dark face is chalky, drained of the color that flushed it so brightly just moments before. His breaths are shallow and erratic, and I can’t stop peeling the skin around my fingernails.
“Please, please be okay,” I whisper, more to myself than to him, but the words feel empty.
This is my fault.
I pushed Ben too far. He can keep the damned dampeners. I would give anything to take this bit of advice back. I may have hurt the only friend I have in the world right now.
I climb into the ambulance railcar, the metal slick under my palms, my chest still tight with panic. I don’t expect the familiar Mine Whistle. I don’t expect to seehim.
But there he is.
Josh. Standing alone in the street, framed by smoke. His eyes are fixed on mine, wide, unblinking. Disbelief etched across his face like he’s seeing a ghost.
I look down at Ben.
And maybe he is…
Chapter15
The Hedonism
The hospital is a stark, sterile place—all harsh white lights and the biting tang of antiseptic.
