“And an equally good chance that she’s right.”
“True. Personally, I agree with my sister. Before you decide what the future might hold in that regard, you should talk to your mother. She has a wealth of experience in having children.”
“Yes, but then I’d have to tell her that I gave my innocence to Lionel. That isn’t something I relish revealing.”
He rubbed his chin. “All right. Then tell her you’re asking for a friend. Perhaps Beatrice. Say that you want to know if one miscarriage is a sign that there will be more.”
“Beatrice might not appreciate my dragging her into it.”
“Very well,” he said, obviously getting more annoyed by the moment. “Then perhaps you could see another doctor, who could examine you to determine if the midwife was correct. Or perhaps you could see another midwife.”
It was just as she’d feared—learning of her inability to have his child was changing everything. “Or perhaps you will simply have to accept that I might never have children.” When he said nothing, she said, “It’s not my fault, you know. It’s just the way my body is made.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t blame you for that. It’s just that—”
“You were hoping for children.”
His gaze swung to her. “I was hoping for children withyou.” He took her hands in his. “And I’m not entirely convinced it’s impossible.”
“I didn’t say it was.” She arched one brow. “But I could find myself with child, endure weeks of anticipation, thenstilllose the babe.”
She looked away, not wanting him to see how much the memory of her first loss still hurt, even though it wasn’t convenient, even though it had proved providential in many respects. “Given what I went through the first time, I’m not sure I want to go through it again.”
“Thatis the real reason you haven’t married before now, isn’t it?”
She slumped her shoulders. “Yes. Losing a babe . . . you can’t know how difficult it is. It was hard enough when I wasn’t certain what had happened to the baby’s father and whether I would ever see him again.” Her gaze met his. “But to have it happen to a child Iwanted—”
“If you prefer not to have children, that’s fine.” He eyed her closely and dragged in a rough breath. “We won’t have them. We’ll take steps not to.”
She knew such steps existed, but she doubted any of them were particularly enjoyed by men. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do. I’ll endure anything if it means having you in my life.” He caught her by the chin. “Because you are the most important part of this equation. You and me. Us.”
He brushed a kiss to her lips. “Besides, there are other possibilities. We could take in foundlings. There’s a hospital full of them here in London, I’m told. Surely we could findonein the whole place that suits us.”
That made her smile, as he’d probably meant it to do.
“I don’t care what we do as long as we do it together,” he went on. “If you don’t want to take a chance on having our own child, I am happy to oblige. And I can prove it, too.”
“You can’t prove how you will feel in five or ten years.” She stood and hurried to the door, then unlocked it.
But before she could open it, he rose and came up behind her. She could hear the tapping of his cane and swung around to stare hopelessly at him. Catching her about the waist, he lifted her with one of his incredibly strong arms and set her on the console table beside the door. “I can prove how bereft I would be without you.”
“Joshua . . .”
He kissed her with a desperation she understood only too well, because she felt it, too. She would be bereft without him, too.
And what would it hurt, one more time with him? She had already been with him today, had already risked having a child with him and losing it. What was one more time? Let him prove himself if he could.
Because after this, there might be no more.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Joshua wouldnotlet her give up on them. They belonged together. She just needed to be reassured that he would take the necessary steps to keep her safe from pain. And he would.
Or he hoped he would anyway. Because just holding her again, touching her again was turning him into that ungovernable beast he kept trying to restrain. The one that desired her more than life.
Apparently, she was rather ungovernable herself, for she took his hand and pressed it to one of her breasts, urging him to fondle it.
