“You can fix anything if you put your mind to it, Cody,” Dad says matter-of-factly, as if repeating a mantra. “Tell me what it is. We can figure out how to solve the problem together. Just you and me. Like always.”
“I’m serious, Dad, I can’t fix this.” I’m overly aware of how desolate I sound, but I can’t seem to correct it no matter how hard I try. The pain is just overwhelming. “And neither can you. You can’t… You can’t bring her back to life. You can’t go back in time and keep me from ever meeting her. You can’t stop me from killing her.”
I’ve done something I’ve never managed to do before. I’ve rendered my father speechless. It somehow makes me feel even worse than before.
We stay in silence, neither of us with any idea what to say. I can hear him breathing. He’s afraid. I’ve scared my own father. What kind of person am I?
“I was going to marry her, Dad,” the words slip out before I can stop them. And once they start, they all begin to seep from me, like a burst of explosive water from a leaking dam. I can’t stop it, and I don’t want to anymore. “I was going to marry her. And she died. In an accident thatIcaused. I killed her, Dad. I killed her, and now I don’t love her anymore, and I think I must be the worst person on Earth because how could I grow out of loving someone who spent her last moments alive loving me?”
“Cody…” my dad says quietly, his voice just barely above a whisper as if he’s unaware that he said anything at all. I don’t blame him. The poor man just had the bombshell of a lifetime dropped on him. Within the span of a minute, he found out he nearly had a daughter-in-law and then that daughter-in-law died.
It must be a strange thing to hear.
“Listen to me, Cody. I may not have all the facts, but I do know you. And I know that it wasn’t your fault. If you loved this girl—and it sounds like you really, really did—then there’s nothing you could say to convince me that you’re at fault for this.”
“It doesn’t matter that it was an accident,” I spit the words out. “Whether I meant to or not, she’s dead because of me. Her blood is on my hands. I had to call her fucking mom, Dad. I had to tell her that her daughter died because I took a turn too fast on a wet road. I had to tell this poor woman that her daughter suffered for twenty minutes, trapped in a crushed car, before shefinally bled out. And I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I wasn’t strong enough.”
“Don’t—”
“I’m sorry, Dad. I shouldn’t have called,” I croak, just managing to hang up before I choke on a sob. I hold my fist to my mouth and bite down on it to muffle the sounds of my cries. No one can know how bad it really is. It’s my burden to bear and my burden alone.
CHAPTER 17
DARCY
I’m incredibly lucky to have Maya. She’s the best best friend in the entire world. I hope she knows it. There is no one I would rather spend a shitty day with than her. She just has a knack for brightening even the darkest of moments. It doesn’t matter how sad or angry I am. Five minutes with Maya and I’ll be smiling and laughing as if nothing was ever wrong.
Maya is special because she doesn’t try to fix my problems. Instead, she carries them with me so they aren’t as heavy. She eases the weight on my shoulders. I don’t think I can ever repay her for that, though God knows she deserves for me to. That girl has given me so much. I don’t know how I will ever give back even a fraction of that care in our lifetime, but I’ll continue to try every single day.
“So whatever happened with Louis anyway?” I ask her as she scrolls through the TV menu for a new movie to watch. I believe this will be movie number four of the day, but honestly, I’ve sort of lost count. We aren’t really paying attention to the TV anyway. “You were so obsessed with him, but I haven’t seen him around the past couple of days.”
The smile on Maya’s face momentarily slips, but she recovers and puts a new smile on, but this one is not nearly as genuine. I can see how strained it is, from her lips all the way up to her eyes.
“Oh, I don’t know. Nothinghappened, exactly. He didn’t fuck me over or anything like that, if that’s what you mean. I guess it’s more like… I realized my priorities, and right now, he isn’t one of them.” Her face softens a bit. “He’s been calling, though. I talked to him for hours last night. It’s weird, Darcy. I know you think I’m kind of a slut?—”
“Maya!” I reel back like she’s slapped me. “Never in a million years would I think that!”
She waves me off. “No, it’s fine. I don’t care. I know I bounce around from guy to guy. But this feels different. The way I feel about him… I’ve never felt like this before. And honestly, D…” She looks up and her eyes meet mine. “It’s kind of scary.”
I’m always taken aback by how beautiful Maya is, but right now, I’m genuinely breathless. My best friend—my sweet, generous, selfless best friend—is the most beautiful person in the world, inside and out. She would never say it out loud, but I know that she’s always felt broken when it comes to love, as in—it never stuck. Guys came and went. They loved her beauty but weren’t adventurous enough to want her personality. So, she had her heart broken time and time again. But now she’s finally found a guy who wants to talk to her for hours—listen to her silly rambles all while admiring her undeniable beauty—and she was willing to give it up for Cody and me.
“Oh, Maya.” I reach out and take her hand, squeezing it tightly. And then I smile at her. “It’s supposed to be scary, babe. That’s how you know it’s worth something. And don’t get me wrong, I amsohappy we spent today together, but you could’ve gone to see him. I wouldn’t have minded.”
I see some of the wariness resting within the lines of Maya’s face soften, and I wonder if this is what I look like when sheeases my worries. “If he really is worth it, then he’ll wait. If he wants to be in my life, then he has to understand that I have a family that comes first. And that includes you, D. You’re my family.”
“And you’re mine,” I say to her. “Being here with you is a million times better than any honeymoon of mine could have ever been.”
“Hell yeah,” Maya agrees with a grin. Her eyes brighten. “Hey, I have an idea! Let’s go down to the pool. It’s closed for the season, so we’ll have it all to ourselves.”
Ah—Maya’s one notable flaw: her absolute lack of comprehension that choices have consequences. I like to say that I’m her common sense, because sometimes it seems like she just does not have a lick of it.
“Are you kidding? It’s closed for areason. Do youwantto get us booted out on our asses in the snow? Or your brotherfired?”
“Well, that’s the fun of it!” she explains as if it’s obvious. “Oh, come on, Darcy. One, Cody will be fine. Two, don’t youwantto do something a little rebellious? We have no control over anything that happens in this life, but we have control over our choices, and sometimes bad choices make you feel just a little bit better about the crappy hand you’ve been dealt.”
She’s not necessarily wrong.
“And besides,” she continues, “I bet Cody has sneaked cute girls in here tons of times.”
