Maya is quiet. I don’t dare look at her because I’m all too aware that the expression I’m sure is on her face will completely break me. My little sister pities me. I am pitiful. The love of my life has been dead for nearly a year, and I’m a complete wreck.
“You need to get some sleep, Cody.” Maya is disappointed. I can hear it in her voice. “I’m going to check in on Louis and I’ll come wake you up in a few hours. I’m taking you and Darcy into town for lunch. We all need to put some space between us and this cursed hotel.”
“Town?” I echo. “No, Maya. I don’t want to. Especially not with?—”
“You’re going,” she declares without leaving any room for argument. “And so is Darcy. And I’m going to figure out what the hell is going on between you two because something is off. This isn’t your guys’ typical dumb argument about pineapple on pizza or the state of the economy. This is more than that. This is serious. And if it’s serious, then I need to be involved, no matter how much all of us don’t want that. You clearly can’t be trusted to handle any of this on your own.”
That feels like a punch to the gut.
“I’m not a little kid, Maya.”
“Yeah? Well, you’re sure acting like one.” Maya’s lips stretchinto a thin line. She wants to say something, but she’s holding back. Probably for the best. I don’t think I could possibly handle any more criticism right now. “I’m not trying to be a jerk,” she tells me quietly after a while of silent staring. “I just know you. I know you need tough love right now. I mean, we’ve done coddling. We’ve done emotional support. None ofit helped. And I don’t want to lose you, Cody. I don’t want to get another call in the middle of the night telling me you didn’t come home, and this time it’s permanent. I don’t want to have to explain to our parents why my big brother isn’t around anymore. And that’s exactly the path you’re heading down. It’s so easy to make one little mistake and ruin your life forever, and?—”
She realizes what she’s said.Irealize what she’s said. I feel every bone in my body tense up, and my throat begins to tighten. My hands shake. I can’t make them stop. I can’t breathe. I’m trapped in a burning car, and I’m screaming for help, but nobody is coming. I’m dying, and it’s almost a relief because I can no longer hear the sound of Claudia’s pained whimpers beside me, and I know that my life has been ruined forever, all because of one little mistake.
“I’m so sorry, Cody,” Maya sputters with wide eyes. “I didn’t mean?—”
“I ruined her life. I killed her, Maya. I—” The words get caught in my throat. I think I’m going to choke on them. “I killed Claudia.”
Immediately, Maya is at my side. She’s wrapped her arms around me, but all I can think about is Claudia sitting next to me on this couch. I can hear her sweet giggle as we watch TV together. I can smell her perfume, still lingering on every T-shirt and pillowcase. I can feel her hands in my hair, weaving and winding until I fall asleep.
I miss her so much, I think it might kill me.
“It’s not your fault,” Maya tells me. “It’s not your fault, Cody.” She says it again and again and again, but the words don’t sink in, because the truth is that it is my fault. I was the one driving. I was the one going too fast on wet, winding roads. I was the one who looked over at Claudia. I was the one who didn’t see the truck coming right for us. I was the one who lived.
CHAPTER 11
DARCY
Itoss and turn all night, my heart feeling like it’s being squeezed and twisted in my chest. When the sun starts to rise, I’m still fatally anxious without really even knowing why. If I had to guess, it would most likely be the giant brew of other emotions churning in my stomach—emotions I have no clue how to identify or ease.
Normally, my emotions are the one thing I can control. I can’t control why I feel the way I do, but I can control how I deal with it. Now, I can’t control a damn thing. I’m at a loss. Cody has me at a complete loss.
Every time I hear footsteps coming down the hallway, I think it might be him. But then they pass, and I’m always disappointed, even though I’d already been expecting as much. But why? Why do I want him here? Why do I care? He’s not mine to miss. He never has been. That doesn’t change because of one good conversation.
I feel strange for even thinking about Cody to begin with. I know that I don’t have the right to think about him in such a way. He’s nothing to me but my best friend’s older brother. I shouldn’t care where he is or why he stormed out the way he did. It’s his business. Not mine.
And yet, I’m angry with him for throwing such a big fit and being a dick to me.
But then I feel guilty for being angry because I know how he’s feeling. I know the gnawing pain that comes with being left by someone you love.
I just hope Cody is okay. That he’s home. That he didn’t drunkenly wander off and freeze to death overnight in the snow. For his sakeandMaya’s. I know how much he means to her. She shouldn’t have to worry about him while she’s on vacation. They should both be enjoying their limited time together. He should be safe and sound, gossiping with her about their parents’ new religion or their childhood dog eating a neighbor’s two-thousand-dollar plush pillow.
I’m a goddamn wreck. Because of Cody. Because ofCody. What the hell is the world coming to?
I’m rather peevedwhen Maya barges into our room at half past six—apparently totally okay to be walking again since her injury—and quite literallydragsme out of bed and spews some nonsense about taking Cody into town for a change of scenery. I try asking her about her ankle and why she’s not with Louis, but she waves a dismissive hand. All she wants to talk about is Cody.
Cody needs some fresh airthis, andCody didn’t mean to be a raging douchebagthat. Typical Maya, defending her older brother with every last breath she has. It would be sweet if I wasn’t personally victimized by it.
“He could’ve at least called and told you he was okay,” I tell Maya as I slide out of bed. “I mean, you do know that this is a shitty thing to do, right? He can’t just disappear and worry you all night like that. And if you hadn’t been waiting for him in his room, you would probably have no idea that he was okay. Imean, what would you have done if Louis hadn’t been there to let you in? You would still have no idea where he is or if he’s okay.”
“I know that, Darcy,” Maya says, and I can hear the exhaustion seeping from her voice. “And I know it freaked you out. I’m sorry about that. But I think he’s already miserable enough without us ganging up on him.”
“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about!” I walk around Maya to dig around in my suitcase for a change of clothes. “He doesn’t feel the need to explain himself because you never ask him to. It’s not fair. I mean, God,Iwas worried last night and I’m not his sister. I can’t even imagine how you must’ve felt.”
“Iknowthat, but he’s had a hard?—”
“Year,” I finish. “I know. Haven’t we all, though? What makes him so special?”
