“Yeah, no.” I shake off my confusion. “I get it. If it was Maya instead of me, and I was in your shoes, I’d have done the same thing. Just maybe with a bit more tact.”
“Pfft. Tact is my middle name. I’m nothing if not professional with the guests.”
I nearly laugh. “You grabbed that poor man by his collar and told him he would—and I quote—‘be sorry.’ If that’s you at peak professionalism, I don’t think I wanna see you on a bad day.”
Cody splits a grin, and I’m caught off guard once again by how utterly handsome he is. I should be used to it by now, but every time he smiles, it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time. His dimples. His adorably crooked teeth. The corners of his ocean-color eyes crinkling. I can’t fathom that he’s even a real person. No human being should be allowed to be this pretty. It’s completely unfair.
“Ya know,” I start to say before I can even begin to stop myself. “It’s kind of nice not being your sworn enemy. I forgot how easily we get along.”
“Yeah, you would, seeing as you couldn’t go two minutes without a snarky jab in my direction,” Cody says, and I express my gratitude for his input with an elbow to his ribs.
“I’m being serious, Cody. It’s weird. I’m glad you left and found somewhere that makes you happy, but I kind of wish you’d stayed at home with us. Maybe we could’ve found some middle ground sooner. Maybe you could’ve helped me kick my ex-fiancé’s ass. Or at least RSVP’d to the wedding, which I’mstill upset about, by the way. I can’t believe you weren’t going to come to my wedding.” It was my last lame attempt to reconnect with him. He had been an important person in my life and I had wanted him at my important day.
Cody puffs out a sharp breath of air, and I see him barely withhold an eye roll. “Oh, come on, Darcypops. You didn’t want to invite me. Maya made you because it would’ve been a dick move to invite everyone in my family but me. You didn’t really want me to come. If you had, I’d have been there in a heartbeat. You should know that by now.”
I ignore the nickname from when we were younger and the flutter in my belly. I can’t pick out any indication that he’s lying. He’s being serious. He would’ve come to my wedding.
“How could I possibly knowthatwhen I don’t know...you?” I ask him. “It’s beenyearssince we’ve had a full conversation. I don’t know anything about you, and you don’t know anything about me.”
Cody smiles, but it’s small, and there’s something about it that almost looks fragile. It’s a brutal reminder that he’s a real person and not just some emotionless fallen angel.
“So why’d you care so much that I wasn’t coming to your wedding if we’re just complete strangers?”
Oh, he’s good.
He’s a little too good for my liking. He’s holding eye contact. He won’t look away. It feels like a competition, and I just know that I’m losing. But then, I always lose when it comes to Cody. Ever since we were kids, this little never-ending game that we play has been impossible for me and effortless for him. Every step forward that I take, he’s taken five. But that’s Cody for you. Just when you start to think you know where his mind is at, it’s somewhere completely new.
“Because…” The words are like poison in my mouth. They’re toxic and sickening, and I don’t think I can dare to utter them.But Cody is looking at me, and it’s like some of his unlimited courage seeps into me. “Because maybe I was hoping that you’d show up anyway. You were always so good to me, Cody. You were the only boy who ever was. I thought maybe you’d show me that I’m worth flying across the country for because Milo sure as hell didn’t think so. I could barely get him off the couch to kiss me, let alone love me. But I wanted that life with him so badly that I was willing to pretend like everything was fine. And you not coming was the final nail in the coffin. I knew I was worthless. I knew Milo was the best I would ever get. And it sucked. I mean, it really,reallysucked. I’ve never felt so unwanted in my life.” I take notice of the way Cody is looking at me. I can see the thoughts swirling around behind his eyes, and most of all, I see guilt. I see it utterly consuming him, from the darkness behind his eyes to the deep frown his lips are set in. Without even realizing it, I reach out and take his hand in mine. “I’m not blaming you, Cody. Because I don’t. I promise you, I don’t. I just… I want you to understand why I was so angry when I got here. It wasn’t personal—not really. I just was—am—in pain. That’s all. But I really am happy to be here with you. It feels… right. A lot more right than anything has in a very long time.”
Cody’s hand is warm in mine. I can feel the calluses along his palms, the roughness of his skin that has undoubtedly been worked to the bone day after day for year after year. He’s got the hands of a man. I find it interesting to compare them to Milo’s hands, so soft and smooth like he’d never worked a day in his life.
“If I’d been there, Milo wouldn’t be around to bother you anymore. I can promise you that.” Cody’s voice is low and dangerous, but I don’t feel threatened because I know the deep-seated anger is not directed toward me. He would never direct it toward me. “And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. If I could go backand—” His voice halts, and I see his face, for just the briefest moment, slip from the tightness that has a hold on it. I see the agony in his eyes and the pain weighing them down. “I never told you this—didn’t tell anyone but Maya, really—but I got engaged around Christmas to the most incredible girl in the whole world. The love of my life. And it… Well, it didn’t work out. She… She left my life. And I was crushed. So you can understand why when your wedding invitation showed up two weeks later, I wasn’t all that excited for you. I know it’s selfish, and I should’ve put my own shit aside to be there for you, but I...”
“Cody.” The word comes out as a strangled exhale. I hold his hand, hold it so tightly that I can feel the thumping pulse of his veins. “Cody, no. Oh my god, no. Please don’t be sorry. I—I get it. You know I do. If I’d gotten a wedding invitation of all things in the mail after my breakup, I would’ve lost it. I don’t blame you at all. I—I’m so sorry. If I’d known, I...”
“Well, like you said.” He smiles, but it doesn’t nearly reach his eyes. “We don’t know each other anymore. And that’s no one’s fault. Just how it is. We weren’t close enough to share this shit with each other—haven’t been since middle school.”
My lungs feel tight. I don’t think I’m breathing properly anymore. It feels like someone is stepping on my chest.
“But Maya?—”
“I made her swear not to tell anyone. Not even our parents. Wanted it to stay intimate, y’know? Something for just the two of us. We were making a plan to tell our families at the same time. But it was only a couple of weeks after I proposed that she…” He trails off, and I don’t have the heart to urge him to continue. He looks crushed. I know the feeling—I know it well, in fact.
“I’m so sorry,” I say again because I can’t think of any words that could possibly suffice. I try to imagine what I wanted people to say to me when I told them about my split with Milo, but all I can remember is wanting to disappear into the floor every timehe was brought up. It was torture of the worst form. “We don’t have to talk about it,” I finally tell him. “I mean, we can if you want to, but I understand if you?—”
Cody interrupts me with a dry laugh, one like he’s trying to seem genuine but just doesn’t have the energy to pull it off. “Yeah, sorry, this got morbid really fast.”
I try to ease his discomfort. “No, Cody, I?—”
“It’s cool, Darcy. Just how life works.” He looks away from me, and that’s when I know I’ve lost him. The facade is slapped right back on his face, and he’s grinning that boyish grin once more, like it never even left. “Well, I think I’m gonna go hit the bar. It’s not quite happy hour anymore, but I’m cool with the bartender. I can get a good discount. Wanna tag along?”
The anxiety churning in my stomach is making me nauseous. I place my hand gently on his bicep.
“I really don’t think you should be drinking right now, Cody. That’s a dangerous road when you’re so upset.”
“Upset?” Cody scoffs and pushes himself off the couch and, more importantly, away from me. He’s trying to escape before I can trap him. “I’m not upset. I told you, it’s just how things are. There’s no use crying over it.”
I stand up and close the space between us. I try to take his hand, but he pulls away once more.
