Nowthatshe wasn’t going to argue with. ‘I would be grateful for your support.’
He nodded, but she did not feel any release of tension in the muscles beneath her fingers. ‘What else do you have planned?’
It was not surprising he realised there was more. They had become close over the last three months and he was probably as able to read her moods as she was his. This was the harder part, but it was necessary. She took a deep breath and began, ‘As much as I have appreciated everything Emily and all of you at Glanmore House have done for me, I am here under false pretences.’
He jerked in her touch. ‘No, you are not.’
‘Yes,’ she said softly, her heart heavy. ‘I am. Emily does not need a companion. She has Freddie and the rest of you and she will soon have her baby. I understand it was a ruse to get me here so Simon would not worry about me when he travelled. No, there is no need to protest; Emily has admitted as much. It is fine, I understand, but I think it is time for me to move on.’
‘What?’ His jaw went slack.
‘I do not want to marry any of those men who have come calling. I find the whole thing faintly ridiculous. I try to picture myself as a member of the Ton and I cannot do it. I would bebored, Edward. I like working; I miss it. I want to get back to doing something that makes a difference.’
Edward had gone completely still; he may have been carved from rock for all he was moving. He was looking straight at her, but she did not think he was seeing her. Eventually, his Adam’s apple bobbed. ‘I see.’ He cleared his throat. ‘What do you want to do with your life?’
The hours scrubbing earlier had given her plenty of time to think of this and once she’d had the idea, the rightness of it had settled on her bones. ‘I would like to create a home for children like Pete and Silas. A place where they can come and be cared for and perhaps learn. I do not know how much money it will entail, but I wondered about asking the duke if he would sponsor such a venture. If he was prepared to put up a dowry, he could use that money for something worthy like this instead. Do you think he would?’
Edward squeezed her hands once and then let go. She left her hands where they were resting on his chest, not ready to forgo his touch just yet. He cleared his throat again, then rubbed his upper lip before saying, ‘I cannot speak for Tobias, although I do think he is worth approaching. He may appear to be austere, but I think there is a very kind and thoughtful man lurking beneath his exterior. But I have money, Kate. I would be happy to fund your idea, because you are right: it sounds like the sort of project one should be investing in. If you look into it in more detail, find out costs, locations, that sort of thing and then come back to me with a plan.’ He brushed her forehead with a featherlight kiss. ‘I hope you will excuse me now though; I have an engagement this evening for which I must get ready.’ He disentangled himself from her loose hold and stepped away from her. He paused for a moment, a small, sad smile on his face. ‘I hope this goes well for you, Kate, I really do. You deserve to be happy.’
Chapter Thirty
Edward stared at the brandy, the golden liquid glinting in the candlelight. White’s was quiet this evening and he’d managed to find a quiet spot to drink. He’d contemplated getting blind drunk, but he couldn’t help but picture the poor woman from this morning, her pale body lying amongst those ragged sheets and her sons’ large eyes looking up at him with hope he might have the answer to their problems.
For the briefest of moments, he’d thought he might have too. In the carriage ride back to Glanmore House, he’d foolishly allowed himself to dream of a future full of happiness, not a grand one, not anything exciting like forging a life in a foreign country, but a good one nonetheless. He’d imagined asking Kate to marry him, of her being thrilled and agreeing. Somewhere between the rough streets of the boys’ home and his brother’s grand house, he’d pictured raising Pete and Silas with Kate. He hadn’t even begun to think of the logistics of it, they had a mother they loved, after all, but it had been a sweet, simple daydream he was incredibly glad he had not shared.
She did not want to get married. She wanted to work. And he could not even blame her; her idea was a worthy one. It would give her purpose and personal satisfaction and she would make an impact on very many lives. And he would go on… doing nothing very much. Oh, he’d probably invest, probably get richer and older but where would his passion go? What would he have achieved by the end of his life?
He knocked back the remains of his drink and pushed himself to his feet. He was getting maudlin and that was no good. He’d been out long enough to give credence to his lie he’d had an invitation somewhere this evening. Now he could return to Glanmore House and what… avoid Kate Hornel for however long she stayed? That wasn’t going to work either. His heart was heavy with the loss she didn’t even realise she had caused.
At least he knew the answer to his question now: he did love her. The problem was he had already lost her. But he had to let her go; he recognised that. She would never see them as equals if she was still dependent on him and that had to change. Like it or not, and he very much did not, Kate would be leaving Glanmore House.
Chapter Thirty-one
The lodgings Kate settled into were far grander than she’d had in mind; she suspected the Dashworths were contributing to the rent because the price she was paying was suspiciously low. She did not have the heart to question it. The duke had agreed on a sum of money to be paid to her while Simon was abroad and he insisted he keep paying that, even though she was no longer living with them. Not wanting to go back to the likes of Bentswood Street, she was glad to accept their generosity without looking into it in more depth. There were several bedrooms, one for her, one for Pete and Silas, who were staying with her until their mother got back on her feet, and one for Jane, who had followed her from Glanmore House, muttering how Kate must be a witless fool for choosing to live here and not in the Dashworths’ family home but also refusing all offers to stay there herself.
‘I amyourlady’s maid, Miss. I go where you go.’
Kate’s protests she was no lady fell on deaf ears and she was secretly glad. She suspected the Dashworth hand in this, too, but again, she was not going to protest. She knew she had madethe right decision, she had to be independent in order to have her self-respect, but that didn’t mean leaving Glanmore House had been easy, and this helping hand would tide her over until she could get her Home for Disadvantaged Children, as she’d decided to call it, up and running. She missed her long lunches with Emily where they laughed so hard her sides hurt, missed the pianoforte room and her painful practices, missed the fruit cake that tasted like it had come straight from heaven, missed the daily sessions with Charlotte, whom she had promised to return and see but hadn’t yet.
All of it faded into insignificance in comparison with how she felt about Edward. She didn’t just ache for his company, she hurt for it. She turned to him a hundred times a day, to tell him something to make him smile, only to find he wasn’t there. It was a torture she had brought on herself but one she had decided was necessary. Men like him did not marry women like her. She could have been his mistress for a short while and she was sure they would have both enjoyed it. Then she would have had to watch him marry someone else from the same station as him and it would have killed her. No, it was far better to have this space away from him, to find out what she was capable of on her own.
That didn’t mean she wasn’t a slight hypocrite, however.
‘Stop fidgeting.’ Jane tugged on her hair, causing her to gasp at the pain.
‘There is no need to torture me. I am exceptionally still.’
‘It is like there are bees in your drawers. If you want to look pretty for him, you at least need me to get this style looking perfect; now stop trying to look out of the window.’
‘I am not trying to look any different from normal.’
‘Of course not,’ said Jane, coming round to the front of her to inspect her handiwork. ‘It is a complete coincidence all of your dresses are piled up on your bed, having been tried on and discarded, and that you have settled on this green one which complements your hair beautifully as well as showing off your…’ Jane’s gaze flickered to Kate’s chest, which was rather ample after months of good food. ‘I think your man will be very happy when he sees you.’
Kate shifted on the chair, glad Jane’s fingers weren’t in her hair any more, and so she could not be reprimanded for the movement. ‘Edward Dashworth is not my man.’
Jane snorted. ‘For an intelligent woman, you are immensely dim sometimes. Put the man out of his misery and agree to marry him, then we can all move back into Glanmore House.’
‘He has not asked me to marry him and, in any case, I would not make a good Society wife. I would be bored out of my mind.’
