Hearing the sound come from our bedroom, I strode naked along the landing and after some hesitation, I knocked on our bedroom door.
“Are you okay.” My tone had been anxious when I’d asked from the door, my eyes searching our big bed for Lily.
“Yeah, just a sore stomach,” she muttered from the bathroom.
Stepping into the room, I wandered to the open bathroom door and saw her kneeling in the dark over the toilet bowl with her head in her hands. “Do you want me to get you some Tylenol or something?
“No, I’m fine now. Sorry if I woke you,” she croaked, climbing to her feet.
My instinct to protect the woman I loved overrode any principled opinion I’d had, and I second-guessed myself again, as to why I was putting us through this. “Come on, let’s get you back to bed.”
I strode forward, scooped her up into my arms and immediately regretted my action when her soft body melted into mine.
A wave of love for her swelled up to my throat. The feeling was so overwhelming it almost choked me as I walked with her back to our bed and gently laid her down.
“Will you stay with me?” she quietly pleaded.
There wasn’t the slightest hesitation that it was the wrong thing to do when I lifted the comforter and slid in beside her.
Sliding one arm under her neck and the other around her stomach, I pulled her back against me, like she was sitting on a chair I had made with my body. It felt as if I was punishing both of us, when I dipped my head to her hair and inhaled deeply, breathing her in. Holding her like that should have brought peace to my heart, but it didn’t.
Instead, I’d lain there, reflecting on the previous weeks where I’d been experiencing my self-inflicted separation, from missing her and being angry with both her and me, for how our relationship hadn’t felt perfect anymore.
It wasn’t a straight-forward case of ‘it’s not me, it’s you’, like I’d gone off Lily and she was still in love with me. I didn’t doubt she did love me. I just wasn’t convinced that I was enough for her anymore.
I’d once told her what we had was enough, back when I’d believed I had no more to offer her than our simple hook up arrangement. At that time Lily had wanted more, and I’d believed she’d deserved everything a man could offer. Now it appeared it was me who knew the feeling that what we had together wasn’t enough… that it was my turn to want it all.
For most of the night my blood had rushed between my legs and the last thing I’d wanted was to cave and have sex with Lily. My dick had other ideas and constantly twitched and nudged to get nearer. Eventually I slipped my arm from under her neck, eased back from her and climbed out of bed without disturbing her.
One night of holding her and guilty feelings had begun to mount. Once I had recognized that, I figured it wouldn’t have taken much for me to stay.
Thankfully, I had a session with Delilah to get back to at the college and had a valid reason to put some distance between Lily and I again. Going back to the guest room, I dressed, went downstairs, and called for a water taxi to pick Oscar and I up.
Watching my house get smaller as we sailed away from the dock, I reminded myself, if I’d stayed now after all the effort I had made, I would have been resigning myself to a half-life in which I’d continue to chase stolen moments of feeling I was alive.
I had to believe that I was fighting for my happiness. The tough choice I’d taken now would determine whether Lily had what it took to fight for us. Once I had the answer to that, her actions would shape how we moved forward and in turn, everything after that.
CHAPTER 26
LILY
I woke with a start, supported my body on my elbows, and listened intently for Alfie moving around the house. It wasn’t long before the sounds of my pounding heart in my ear took over, the sound pulsing so loud it drowned out everything else.
Climbing out of bed, I hurried to find him, first I opened the door of the suite he’d chosen to sleep in before I’d gotten sick. Panic set in when he wasn’t there and as I frantically ran through the empty house, my fears realized when I saw his trusted guitar was gone.
Rushing back upstairs I looked first toward the dock and felt relieved when I saw that our speedboat was still docked.
Running back upstairs, I picked up my cell phone and tried to call him, hoping he was still outside on the grounds somewhere.
As it went to his messaging service, I cut the call and hit one of the other numbers I had stored on speed dial.
“Ronnie, did you pick Alfie up this morning?” I asked, noting the anxiety in my tone.
“Grant did. Did you need something?” Ronnie asked.
A wave of distress washed over me because I had missed a vital opportunity to say all I’d wanted to say. “Erm… no, I just wasn’t sure if he’d left yet,” I responded, fighting back tears.
I ended the call and immediately called Jack. “I’m struggling,” I said the moment he’d answered his phone.
