“I give what I can,” I insisted in disbelief that Jack was taking Alfie’s side. “Is this a man thing?” I asked, wondering if Jack’s response was something like from ‘Venus to Mars’ stereotypical version of how men thought differently in comparison to women.
“No, it’s not a man thing. It’s a Lily thing,” Jack argued. “When was the last time you did something to please Alfie?”
My jaw dropped, shocked by Jack’s remark. “What? I do stuff all the time for him,” I shot back.
“Like?” he prompted.
My eyes roamed the room while I thought about his question. “I mean, I… we…” I huffed, suddenly stumped for examples to give him.
Jack let out a deep sigh that sounded like disappointment. “You might be happy with where you are in life, but maybe sometimes you might need to look beyond what’s happening with you and the band. Maybe you should try to compromise a little for Alfie.”
“What are you getting at?” I snapped, my heart pounding in my chest.
“As much as it pains me to say it, Alfie’s been the perfect husband to you. He’s never cheated that I know of, and he shows up to support you all the time. He acts like he loves you by giving you time and attention. And from what you’ve told me, he’s always finding ways of keeping your love alive. I don’t mean he’s pretending when he does that, I mean he shows you what you mean to him. Can you say the same?”
My heart clenched in a mixture of pent-up hurt, anguish and fear. His words felt like a personal attack. Unwilling to meet Jack’s scrutinizing gaze, I tried to focus on our tea mugs, my eyes brimming with tears. Pouring slowly, I took that time to try desperately to gather my scattered thoughts.
“Just because I’m not as demonstrative or as imaginative as him, doesn’t mean I love him any less. I think the root of all this is that Alfie wants kids and I’m just not there yet,” I muttered, convinced that this was the real reason for Alfie’s blow up, and diverting Jack and my conversation back to safer ground.
Jack knew my stance about focusing on my career. Besides, I had several years yet before the clock would start ticking on my fertility. Our band was almost a global brand, and I was determined not to allow my personal life to hinder the rest of the guys from achieving that goal.
“Then let’s hope kids aren’t the only reason he’s left because there are millions of beautiful, willing women out there that would give their left tit to have hot rock god, Alfie Black’s baby.”
“Thanks, Jack. Pile on the guilt, why don’t you,” I bit out in frustration.
“That’s not what I’m doing… or at least that isn’t my intention. Wake up, Lily. For years everyone has treated you like a princess. Me, Alfie, Lennie and the guys, and don’t get me started on Cody. Christ, you even have Rick Fars wrapped around that talented finger of yours.”
“So you’re saying I’m selfish for wanting a career?”
“No, I’m saying you’re selfish because you married a man who loves and cherishes you and you’re not responding in kind.”
I slammed my mug down so hard on the kitchen counter that the handle came off in my hand. “Shit,” I said, while I grabbed some paper towels and began mopping it up. “You have no clue how much I love Alfie. He’s my world!”
“As long as he’d the one making all the effort,” Jack countered.
“Grr,” I growled, my legs wiggling on the spot in frustration. “What the hell do I need to do? We were doing fine, what changed?” I questioned.
“Nothing, Lily. Nothing changed. People do. You and Alfie don’t appear to be on the same page anymore. From his perspective, I imagine he thinks that your band is more important than him. Meanwhile, he has his band, his sometimes wife, his fame and fortune, but his personal life hasn’t grown in the same way his band’s progression has.”
“His ‘sometimes’ wife?”
“Yeah, you’re only there when he makes time for you. That can only be sustained for so long before a man becomes lonely… surely you’re not that naïve, sweetheart. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and decide if you are willing to meet him halfway. If not, I fear although Alfie loves the bones of you, Lily, he may never come back.”
As Jack read me the riot act regarding my marriage, my stomach began to roll when another sudden wave of nausea took me by surprise. Dashing to the downstairs washroom, I leaned over the toilet bowl, and I hurled its contents up for the third time that evening.
I’d had a few bouts of food poisoning in the past, and this was no different. But a little physical sickness was nothing compared to the mental anguish that had begun to pound in my head from the warning bells in response to everything Jack had said.
CHAPTER 17
ALFIE
Although I had lain in bed all night, I hadn’t slept a wink. Fear warred with my conscience about how I had left Lily the day before. I hated how much I’d distressed her to the point where I’d written several text messages to her during the night, but I’d deleted them again before I’d pressed send.
No matter what I’d done, my heart was still hers, and my mind had been constantly concerned by thoughts that I’d hurt her.
I kept asking myself if I was ready for the consequences of my actions, and the answer was no. Then I asked myself if I could continue to live as I’d been doing for years, and my answer was also no.
A dull ache in my stomach was a minor distraction from the heaviness in my chest as I gave up on sleep and climbed out of bed.
