“Jones, fuck, I never thought that,” I said, swiping a hand through my hair. “I’m just not thinking clearly right now. I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t look at him, so I stared at the floor. I didn’t need another reminder of what a selfish person I was. I only thought about myself, and it didn’t matter who I hurt in my wake.
Jones’ sneakers eventually came into my view. His hand landed on my shoulder, and I finally looked at him. He let out a sigh, but his features had softened.
“I’ve actually known about you two since last weekend,” he said, casually dropping this truth bomb.
I gaped at him. My mouth was on the floor with how shocked I was. He chuckled at how ridiculous I probably looked at the moment.
“How—” Then I remembered Clay and me kissing in the middle of his backyard. “The hot tub?” I guessed.
He nodded.
“Was that why you paid to force us to hug? To stir something up? We were pasted together under that scorching sun forhours!” I complained.
Jones chuckled. “I thought it was a pretty good hint to tell you that I already knew something was up, and that you could tell us if you two were together. Our friends and I wouldn’t judge. Plus, I thought it’d be funny.”
“It wasn’t funny,” I grumbled.
“It was kinda funny.”
I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes, becausefine. If I’d been an onlooker instead of the one sweating my balls off under the sun and pressed against a steamy hot man—and I meant that in a literal way. God, Clay produced heat like a furnace—then I’d probably find it amusing, too.
“If you two are trying to keep it a secret, then you probably shouldn’t be kissing in public, especially not in the middle of town,” Jones joked, a smug smile on his lips at knowing he’d won the previous argument.
He knew, and the rumor mills hadn’t said a peep about Clay and me besides what happened at the fair.
“You didn’t tell anyone?” I whispered. I felt guilty about asking this again, especially when he was being all supportive and shit about this. But being found out had been my fear since the day I learned mylao-bawas dating Clay’s mom.
I must have looked extra pitiful because Jones didn’t take offense this time. He sounded sympathetic as he said, “No, not even Ryan. I know you guys like to joke about me being a big gossip, but I know how to keep my mouth shut when it matters. And I figured if you and Clay wanted to keep the fact that you’re dating from your best friends, then you probably wanted to keep it a secret. Gossip is fun and all, but secrets I don’t mess around with, and this is your secret to share when you’re ready.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that rumbled out of me. “Ifeel even more shitty now. You’re fucking amazing, you know that?”
Jones chuckled, his usual lightness back in his tone. “I know I am,” he said with a wink. “And don’t feel too bad. I know you’re probably dealing with a lot, but I hope you know that none of us will care about you and Clay dating. We just want you guys to be happy.”
I nibbled on my bottom lip. I wished it were that easy.
“But you two did keep it under wraps pretty good. I didn’t even know Clay was into men. How long have you been dating? Did you go out with all those people as a smokescreen?” Jones asked the questions one after another.
“He’s not into men, and we’re not dating,” I replied softly.
He looked confused by my answer. “But you guys kissed?—”
“He’s just comforting me,” I quickly told him. I should be telling myself that and stop getting my hopes up, just because Clay was indulging me.
“But—” Jones swallowed whatever words he was about to say when he took a really good look at me. Could he see what a mess I was? He settled with saying, “You like him.”
“Ilovehim,” I admitted out loud for the first time, and the world didn’t come crashing down around me. “I love him so much I can’t think straight.”
Frederick knew I had a crush on Clay, but I didn’tdare tell him just how deep my feelings ran. It was like if I didn’t admit it, then it didn’t have to be such a big deal.
Before I knew it, Jones’ arms were around me.
“It’s okay,” he said. I knew they were only words of comfort, since nothing felt okay, but I let myself believe in that moment. I settled into the embrace of one of my oldest friends.
“It’s okay.”
He kept whispering as he stroked my back comfortingly. Maybe if he said it enough times, it’d actually be true.
