His movements, as he tied his laces, got unnecessarily aggressive. “Yes.”
I moved from my right boot to my left. “What happened?”
Done with his boots, Chad stood up from the bed, and I could feel him staring down at me. “She wasn’t mine.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of all this. Knowing it hadn’t just been Liz. He’d had “strong feelings” for another woman also.
What I’d like to know is, when the fuck did he have time to love, miss, or mourn me? How could he claim he always loved me when he was busy loving other women? Was I a dolt to be believing his bullshit? Maybe.
But what did it even matter, huh? If he fessed up and told me he hadn’t always loved me, would I care? No. I wouldn’t. Because even if he hadn’t always loved me,Ialways loved him. For my whole life. Even when I hated him, I loved him.
If I should be honest with myself, my enthusiasm for Chad’s assignment had not been because I so desperately wanted revenge, but because I so desperately wanted to see him again. Even if it was just to kiss him right before I blew his brains to kingdom come.
I had never hated him.
Was just disappointed.
When I was finished with my boots, I straightened up on the bed and found him standing there, hovering, watching me.
Moving in front of me, he stooped down and placed his hands on my kneecaps. “Don’t ever doubt that it has always been you, Jhay. I loved Liz, but nowhere near how obscenely in love I am with you. You have always been inimitable in my thoughts. Memories of you were indelible. But a part of me…a part of me had to let you go, while another part still hoped. Hope at least that your hate for me hadn’t erased me completely from your memories. Stupidly hoped that one day the good memories would outshine the bad, and you’d come find me, because searched as I did, I couldn’t find you. So I got the tattoo. A year after, I found it wasn’t enough. I kept missing you. Missing you. Kept searching and couldn’t find you. So I went again and got the lyrics on my side. You never asked me about the lyrics because you don’t even realize they’re for you. You don’t know, Jhay. You don’t know how important you are to me.”
He looked down at his hands on my knees, took a minute, then looked back up at me. “I was falling for Saskia, it’s true, but I could’ve never shown her my real face. You know me. You know the real me. You knew me before I becameme. I never have to hide from you. You see my ugly, my monster, my sins, my wounds, and you still love me. You fear me, but you don’t run. You’re sending yourself to doom with me.” A loaded sigh. “We were eight years apart, Jhay. What could we have done? It was impossible. It would’ve been labeled statutory rape, wrong, disadvantage, manipulation, abuse… Now we can call it….” He trailed off, as if to say “whatever we want”.
“Love.” I touched the side of his face. “We’re still eight years apart, but now we can call it love.”
He leaned into my touch. “I fell for them, but for you I fucking face-planted. You’re matchless. I know you don’t believe my words because you’re trained not to trust,” he said softly, “but know that I do my best to never, ever lie to you. About anything. You’re the only one I can be myself with. And I enjoy that freedom. I won’t ruin it with lies.”
“Only half-truths?”
He shook his head. “I mightkeep things from youto protect you…”
There was nothing more to say, because due to our past, the betrayals, treachery and duplicity, not just from him, but also from my mother, I might never reach a point where I’d believe his words, or anyone else’s, not even my own, so I curtailed the conversation with a simple “Okay.”
Realizing that nothing he said would ever convince me, Chad stood up, took my hands and pulled me from the bed, accepting defeat and moving on. “Feel any different about your brother being alive now? Ready to apologize?”
Not really, but I nodded. “Guess so.”
He slung his arm around me. “Let’s hope Hell’s out of vacancy and Satan doesn’t call us home today.”
“He better not,”—I uncharacteristically gyrated my hips—”because, dude, I’m wearing eight hundred-dollar panties today.”
