And yet, as I study his face, the curves of his glistening lips, tracing down the lines of ink, the magnolias that lead to my fucking name on his back, every piece of me hurts.
I didn’t have to shut him out like I did.
I could’ve called him.
I could’ve looked him up all the times I was in California.
I thought I was protecting myself, but right now, I’m not sure I was.
Jesse runs his lips gently over my body, and tears prick at the back of my eyes, because all I can think about is what would’ve become of us if I chased after him that day.
If I took care of him the way he always took care of me.
I shut my eyes as his lips find mine in the dark and encase his jaw in my palms, holding him to me like my life depends on it.
I don’t cuddle after sex. I don’t sleep over.
My dating life has been loose, ruleless, and at times non-existent. I always lost interest quickly, because no one ever compared to someone I didn’t want to admit I was still comparing them to. No one made me feel like this: Safe, wanting to stay up into the night just so I don’t miss out on anything because the next day isn’t guaranteed.
Jesse clears his throat, his rough fingers tracing light lines down my shoulder as the early morning catches up to us.
“What’s next for you, Pen…for us?” The gruffness of his voice doesn’t mask the raw vulnerability.
Pulling the covers up to my chin, I know he feels my body tense against his, but at least the dark acts as a shield. He can’t see my face.
It’s contorted and pained, and I don’t want him to see me like this, so I clear my throat, too, waking from the sleepy state I was in. The room doesn’t feel warm enough, even against the planes of Jesse’s body.
“I can’t stay here forever,” I whisper and know it’s not the answer he wants. “I have to get back to my life at home.”
He doesn’t reply.
“There’s a lot going on right now. I have a really busy winter with my business, Fia’s having her baby in three months…then Danny will be out. And then there’s the house—”
“I understand,” he says in a way that makes me believe he doesn’t understand any of it.
“Can we just lie here a little longer together?” I ask, and he pulls me closer to him, until my body is inside the curve of his, not an inch between us.
We lie there for another hour, silent, until I get up to leave. Quietly, so no one knows our secret.
32
Penny
THEN
Age 18, High School Graduation
“It feels weird to be sitting alphabetically,” I whisper, leaning closer to my brother as the cheap polyester scratches my bare legs. “I feel like Jesse should be next to us.”
Danny glances up at me from under his crooked black cap. His eyes are not red for once—I begged him not to smoke before graduation, and he actually listened. Though he’s been a grouch.
“All I know is that in ten minutes they’re calling my name and I never have to step foot in this godforsaken school again,” he mutters.
It’s sunny on the football field as I drag my feet against the short green grass. The valedictorian is giving her speech, but I haven’t really heard a word she’s saying.
For the tenth time, I steal a glance behind me.
Three rows back, across the aisle. Our eyes meet, and warmth pools in my chest. His black gown sits handsomely over his broad shoulders, and the black cap makes his green eyes shine even brighter.
