And then she’s gone, running away from me. Just like that.
Watching Penny walk away brings back the ache like it never left.
But underneath it, there’s something else. That kiss gave me something fragile I haven’t felt in a long time—a glimmer of hope.
15
Penny
NOW
There are moments in life that leave a lasting mark on your memory, some good and others bad. Things I’ll never forget, even if I want to. They are part of me, like a scar.
The day Fia was born, and I held her for the first time at the hospital.Good.
Nan taking all of us to the beach as kids, chasing us down the sand, wearing her ridiculously large sunhat.Good.
Getting paired with Audrey as roommates freshman year.Good.
Burying Nan unexpectedly.Bad.
Waking up to find out Jesse and Danny had been arrested a week before I left for college.Bad.
Driving to the university without him.Bad.
And now, as I lean back in the worn clawfoot tub, hair plastered to my skin, the water growing tepid, my fingers brush my lips as a strange, looping sensation plays in my brain.
Kissing Jesse tonight… I can’t decide which category it fits in.
Goodorbad.
Everything about Jesse in the last two days has been neither black nor white. It’s somehow in the messy middle, the gray, where my heart struggles most.
Tears slip down my cheeks because this was not supposed to happen. I’ve spent years pushing the image of his green eyes frommy memory, trying to forget how it felt to be held in his arms. He’s right, he’s not the same guy he was at eighteen. But that one kiss somehow brought me right back to that heartbroken girl who had everything planned.
16
Penny
THEN
Age 17, Summer After Junior Year
The June sun is scorching, but I find a cool spot under my favorite magnolia tree, sitting on the weathered wooden bench. I joked with Jesse that when we leave this town, we need to do a secret night ops and steal this bench. It has our initials carved in it, for fuck’s sake.
It’s kinda crazy that it’s almost been two years since Jesse moved in. He fits into our family like he was meant to be here all along. This week at day camp, Fia even made a sign for Jesse’s bedroom door that says#1 Brotherwith a bunch of seashells glued to it. On one level, it’s weird because he is my boyfriend, but also, it’s not like Fia has a role model big brother, so I’m also grateful Jesse fills those shoes.
I think the whole sign thing pissed Danny off, but he’ll never show it, plus he’s always in a mood anyway. It’s his own fault—he’s a dick to Fia, always ignoring her or acting like she’s a baby. Jesse and her bonded quickly, probably because he didn’t grow up with a sibling, and I think he likes having an adopted little sister. But that’s also just Jesse. He’s kind to everyone, even my asshole brother, who is a piss-poor “best friend.”
Sweat dribbles down the back of my neck as I fan myself, unable to roll my jean shorts up any higher without my entire ass cheeks hanging out. All I can think about is the slushie we’re supposed to be getting right now. That’s the whole reason I let the boys talk me into walking ten blocks in the blazing afternoon heat, but Danny,of course, surprised us with aquick pit stop along the way. Quick, my ass.
Even glaring at him right now feels like an energy waste, but I can’t help it. The heat makes me grumpier than usual. And Danny’s been really pushing my buttons lately.
“C’mon, Danny, hurry up,” I croak as a tall shadow blocks the sun momentarily. I glance up at my hero, and instant relief floods me, along with a few butterflies in my belly.
“He says he’ll be five more minutes, then we can go.” Jesse plops down next to me, pulling his baseball cap over his eyes to block the sun. His T-shirt hangs over his shoulders like a rag, and I try not to stare at his bare chest, but it’s hard. His muscles are long and lean, and he’s starting to fill out a bit more. Other girls in my grade are definitely noticing, but Jesse only has eyes for me.
“Five minutes is like thirty in his world,” I remind him.
