‘Yes, it’s a full-time role and more. You never switch off.’ Kitty popped an olive in her mouth and chewed thoughtfully. ‘Don’t get me wrong, though. I wouldn’t swap it for the world. But it’s been hard.’
There was silence for a moment. The women sat, enjoying the warm breeze in the garden, and the heady scent of jasmine wafting from the flowery trails climbing the fence. ‘Have you always been on your own?’ asked Olivia hesitantly.
‘No, not always. I mean, I was married once . . . but I’ve always been on my own as a parent.’
Olivia waited, in case she wanted to say any more, and noticed Kitty eyeing her for a moment as though deciding whether to add anything else. ‘It’s okay, Olivia. Everyone new I meet always wants to know where Cameron’s dad is and I don’t always feel it’s necessary to share the details. But seeing as we’re living together, and will no doubt get to know each other quite a bit these next few weeks, I’ll let you know why I’m a single parent . . . that’s if you want to know?’
‘Of course,’ said Olivia, ‘though please don’t feel you need to tell me. Only share the details if you’re comfortable to do so.’
Kitty sighed and took another sip of wine. ‘It’s a bit of a story,’ she said as she topped up their glasses. ‘Okay, bear with me.’ Olivia watched as her expression became sombre.
Olivia listened carefully as Kitty told her that, when she was twenty-five years old, she joined a club that she never ever imagined she would be part of. She became a member of the young widows’ club. She and Ryan had been married for less than a year when he died suddenly in a road accident. What made his death even more tragic was that night she had planned to tell him the good news that she was pregnant with Cameron. Instead, she sat anxiously, wondering why he was so late home, and became so concerned and distracted that she failed to notice the smell of the burning chicken in the oven. She couldn’t getthrough to him on his mobile phone, which was switched off, and she left message after frantic message begging him to call her back. A knock at the door several hours later brought her the news that he was dead.
Olivia’s eyes were fixed on Kitty, and she touched her hand gently.
‘It’s okay,’ Kitty said. ‘I guess I just go onto autopilot when I tell the story.’
Kitty didn’t collapse on the floor stricken with grief or even shed a tear to begin with. She was completely numb and in a daze for weeks, as she tried to come to terms with both the death of the love of her life, and the new life flourishing inside her. It was a dark time and often she wondered whether she would manage to navigate herself through it. Her heart had been ripped into millions of pieces, and the visceral grief she felt threatened to destroy her. But amid the black fog that descended upon her she found tiny snippets of rare light and gratitude — that part of Ryan would live on in their unborn child. Yet that responsibility then started to weigh heavily on her as she became increasingly anxious about the pregnancy.
‘Oh, you poor thing,’ said Olivia. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’
Kitty gave her a grateful smile. ‘Thank you. It was such a long time ago now but when I start to talk about it again it does feel like it was only a few weeks ago that it all happened. It’s such a strange thing to try and describe. When Cameron was born it wasn’t entirely unexpected that I had awful postnatal depression, which followed on from the depression I had when I was pregnant. I had panic attacks and extreme anxiety that I wouldn’t be able to look after Cameron properly. I couldn’t shake off the guilt that I hadn’t told Ryan that I loved him before he left that morning.’
‘Kitty, what an awful thing for you to have gone through.’
‘It wasn’t the cheeriest time of my life, I have to admit,’ she said.
‘How did you manage with such a young baby and having to deal with the grief?’ Olivia bit back a tear.
‘Friends and family,’ she said. ‘My mum was a lifesaver.’ Kitty told her that, although she had been adamant that she wanted to stand on her own two feet, she allowed her mum to temporarily move in with her. Her family and friends rallied around her and, with the help of a counsellor, she eventually started to find more glimmers of light each day and hope that life could go on. Cameron reminded her that she had a reason to live.
‘It’s such a haze,’ she said, her eyes glistening. ‘I don’t really remember much at all. I was on autopilot trying to get through each day, and I had to keep going for the sake of Cameron.’
Olivia gave small nods of encouragement. ‘This must be so hard to go over, but you’re doing so well to share it with me. Thank you.’
‘When he died, I realised how many other people were affected by grief, and that’s what led me to train to be a counsellor. But it’s been hard. Especially these past few years. People have lost so much. That’s why I decided to take a break and work in the nursery. Being around kids felt better for my mental health. I started to feel burned out in the counselling role.’
‘Wow,’ said Olivia. ‘You are incredibly strong and brave.’
Kitty took a slug of wine. ‘Oh no, not me. There are lots of other people out there who go through far worse. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are still days when I get sad. And especially during those milestone years when Cameron took his first steps, his first day at school and now with him flying abroad on his own for the first time. Ryan would have been so proud. But I have so much to be grateful for. I am surrounded by people I love, andam so lucky to have this time to think about what I want to do next.’
Olivia clasped her hands around the wine glass and leaned forward. ‘What did you love most about him?’
Kitty beamed. ‘That’s easy to answer. He was funny and kind and had the most amazing laugh. It was contagious, he would have everyone in stitches.’
‘Has there ever been anyone else?’ asked Olivia.
Kitty shook her head vigorously. ‘No, not really, other than the odd date here and there. But I just wasn’t interested. It was too hard when Cameron was little, as he was always my focus. I guess my life was always about him. Until now . . .’
Olivia smiled kindly at her. ‘Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re amazing.’
Kitty flushed and flicked her hand dismissively. ‘Not at all. I just did what anyone else would do.’
‘You still did an amazing and selfless job of dedicating your life to your son, Kitty. I hope this next chapter is an exciting adventure for you.’
‘Not sure I need any more excitement in my life,’ she said. ‘I’m quite happy with the olives and the wine.’
‘Let’s see what adventures the Tartan Wanderer takes us on,’ said Olivia, giggling. ‘I think it’s time we had some fun.’
