“You never once fought for us since this whole mess happened.” Matty sounded like a cornered animal, half snarl, half whimper. “Honestly, that’s what’s made me the most angry.”
I surged to my feet and grabbed him by the waist, my fingers digging into the rough fabric of his jeans. “Not because I didn’t want to, but what right do I have to fight for us when I’m the one who ruined everything? I was trying to be fair to you.”
“When have I ever asked you to be fair to me? All I wanted was some indication that you even cared.”
“Of course I cared. I care, Matt. More than you could ever know.” Tears blurred my eyes, and a sob caught in my throat, but I tried desperately to contain it. I didn’t want to manipulate him with emotions. Whatever he chose tonight had to be becausehewanted it. Not because he felt pity for me or…not even for Ivy.
Matty cupped the back of my neck and pulled me roughly into his arms, guiding my face into his neck.
And I broke.
I clutched him tighter, fisting the back of his shirt, my entire body racked with sobs so violent they shook both of us. My knees buckled, and if he hadn’t held me, I would’ve crumpled to the floor and bawled like a baby.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped. “I’m so—God, Matty, I’m so fucking sorry.”
The words spilled out of me like blood from a vein. Every ounce of guilt, of regret, everything I’d kept buried under the weight of trying to survive.
“I never meant to hurt you. Never meant for any of this. I just—” My voice cracked as I pressed my face harder into his neck. “I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I ruinedus,and that kills me.”
Tears soaked his skin, and I didn’t care. Didn’t care that I was making a fool of myself. I’d only ever begged this hard once in my life. The day my mother looked on emotionless as they dragged me off to jail.
He didn’t speak. Didn’t move. Just held me while I came undone in his arms. I didn’t know if the words meant anything to him, but he had to know how I truly felt about him. Even if he walked away. Again.
“I love you so fucking much.”
The words slipped out a little too late. But true.
My body heaved with another sob, and all I could do was keep whispering the only thing that felt like it mattered.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry…”
Matty’s hands moved to my hair, then one tugged, pulling my head back. I blinked up at him through tear-blurred eyes. His face was tight, stunned.
“What did you just say?”
My throat burned. I parted my lips, but nothing came. So I nodded. Just once.
“That’s the first time you’ve said it,” he whispered. “Do you mean it?”
“I love you,” I said again, steadier this time. “I should’ve said it a long time ago. That day at the airport… when you left. You said it to me. And I just stood there. By the time I processed the words, you were already walking through security.”
“I didn’t want you to say it back because I told you how I felt. That was my moment to let you know how much that summer with you meant. Whatyoumeant to me. I didn’t need to hear it back at that time because I thought we would have a lifetime for you to tell me how you truly felt about me.”
“Until I fucked it up.” With a groan, I rested my forehead against his and inhaled deeply. We needed to talk about the tough parts. I closed my eyes. “I didn’t always feel that way about you. It took me a while to fall too, Matt, and that’s when I fucked up, because I didn’t gamble on us.”
Matty tightened his arms around me, then let them drop. “Let’s talk. For real. Make me understand what happened.”
We moved over to the couch, sitting side by side. There was too much space between us. I took his hands and held them between mine, squeezing them, needing his strength to get out the things I had to say and keep hidden the ones that would hurt him most. How could I tell him about his mother’s interference?
“Do you have questions, or should I just start?”
“I do have some specific questions.”
“I’ll try to answer them honestly.”
“Just promise not to sugarcoat anything. I need only the facts.”
Facts. Got it. I nodded.
