“Can I dowhat, exactly?” I squint at him, already suspicious.
“Take a look?”
He doesn’t wait for an answer. Because of course he doesn’t. My best friend since childhood just drops trou, and—
“Oh, holy shit,” I exclaim, snorting and slapping a hand over my mouth, nearly stabbing myself in the face with the knife.
“Is it falling off?” He covers his eyes with one of his enormous paws. “I’m afraid to look. Please tell me if Kaa’s still alive.”
“Kaa?” I snort, staring in disbelief at the giant black dick covered in… fuckingsomething.
“Yes,the big-ass anaconda fromTheJungle Book? Thought it was fitting—mine’s good at hypnotizing the ladies.”
“Does that big-ass anaconda have red sores all over it? Becauseyoursdoes. Dude, this is not okay. You need to see a doctor.”
Lam whines and lifts his shirt to have a better look himself. I mean, I think I’ve seen his dick a million times before—we’ve been on the same team for a decade—but I’m not inspecting his disease-infested anaconda for him. I turn around and focus on my tomatoes.
“I feel like I should tell my boyfriend you’re flashing me,” I mutter, snickering as I slice up more vegetables and grab another plate. Knowing Lamar, he didn’t just show up perfectly timed for an early lunch. He can beveryconniving when he wants to be.
“What the hell did you do last night to get herpes? I never saw you wander off or anything.Isit herpes?”
“I don’t know! And it’s not from last night, asshole. At least I know it doesn’t spreadthatfast,” he says from somewhere behind me. “While I had fun in that club, I prefer if the hands roving over me while dancing are a little smaller.”
“We can always find you a pretty little twink.” I grin, flipping on the gas to heat a pan. “But if it wasn’t from yesterday, then how’d you get it?” I ask as I throw the chopped veggies into the pan.
“The only one I can think of is this girl I met last week at the Summerset Shore Fun Fest. We had somefun, yeah, right behind the shooting gallery.”
“Well, for future reference, if you want to keep it safe, you should cover the snake.”
“Iknow.I always do. But we didn’t have sex. She just gave me a blowie, and I made her come on my fingers a bit, that’s it.”
“Did she, by any chance, have something funky on her lip?” I glance over my shoulder as I crack a couple of eggs—and yep, like expected, the idiot still has his pants around his ankles.
His eyes go wide. “Wait,can you get herpes from a blowjob?”
The door swings open, revealing Mom holding a boxed birthday cake and probably wondering if she should start charging admission for the entertainment in this house. Iwantto believe she hasn’t walked in on anything weirder before, but that’s wishful thinking. She has three sons, two of whom could’ve easily been cast forJackass. And their friends? Somehow, even worse. Lamar’s basically a saint compared to them. So yeah. Chaos is the default.
“That doesn’t look healthy,” she says, completely unfazed, nudging the door close behind her with her hip while Lam yanks his joggers back up. She sets the cake on the table. “And yes, youcan get herpes from receiving oral. Or going down on someone. Even from kissing.”
“Well, shit. Don’t tell my mom, please.”
“I won’t,” she says casually. “You should take some ibuprofen for the pain. And I think I still have some prescription cream that helps with the itch.”
I can only stare at my damnmother.“Why do you have cream for herpes?”
“Who says it’s for herpes? Let me go get it,” she tosses back, already disappearing into the hallway toward the main bedroom, leaving me gaping after her, almost forgetting to stir my food before it burns.
“And happy birthday, son of mine!” she hollers on her way out.
“You ready for your present?” Lamar asks when she’s gone, leaning against the oak countertop, scratching his damn crotch over his shorts.
“Jesus. Stop doing that.” I wave the spatula at him. “I’m not interested in herpes as a present, thank you very much.”
“Ican’t. It itches.”
I grimace. “Go wash your hands, idiot. And grab us some drinks.”
“I didn’t touch Kaa,” he grumbles, but complies anyway. Meanwhile, I finish up the egg burritos and set the table.
