‘Oh God,’ I say, closing my eyes briefly.
I sit down and stare at the floor, trying to decide if this is real or not. It doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel right. The heavy door opens and Kate comes in, her beautiful face stunned and shocked already, before she’s even heard what it is I have to tell her.
I go to her. I take her hand. I lead her to one of the smallsofas and we sit down in unison as I do my best to find the words. But there’s no way round it. I just have to tell her straight, as much as I know it’s going to destroy her.
‘I’m so, so sorry, Kate,’ I say, and she puts her hands over her eyes, closing them tight, then blocks her ears as if she can’t bear to hear what I’m about to say. ‘Your mum rang me earlier. She wanted me to tell you in person instead of you being told on the phone. It’s your dad, Kate. I’m so sorry. He’s gone.’
She crumples and folds into me and then she screams from the pit of her stomach, clutching at my T-shirt as tears pour from her eyes.
‘No, not my daddy!’ she says, pleading with me as she shakes her head in disbelief. ‘No, David, please not my daddy!’
‘I’m so sorry, baby,’ I say to her, holding her tight as she fights to stay still, pulling and clawing at me to make it all go away. ‘Come on, let’s get you home as soon as possible. We’ll get on a plane this evening and we’ll get you home.’
21.
KATE
‘There were signs of a break-in when we found him,’ my mum tells us as she clutches onto a glass of red wine at the kitchen table when David and I get home. ‘It looks like he’d been in bed but got up to confront the intruders and collapsed then called me during the night. At least that’s what we think happened. There’s so many blanks, so many questions. Oh Peter, you didn’t deserve to die like this! He must have been so afraid.’
I notice David swallowing and staring into nowhere as she speaks and I can tell that he too has a blaze of anger burning his insides, just like I still do.
‘Had he expressed any concerns to you lately?’ I ask Mum. ‘Was there someone he was—’
But Mo chirps up for her. ‘He wasn’t being threatened if that’s what you think!’ she says quickly as Shannon chews gum beside her, playing with her thumbs. ‘So if you’re cominghere to ask questions or point fingers in certain directions, don’t bother!’
‘I’m not pointing fingers,’ I cry. ‘But yes Iamasking questions about what happened to my own father and I think it’s very natural that I’d want to try to piece together why he is dead!’
‘You’re blaming my dad,’ says Shannon. ‘I just know you are! Everyone around here blames him for everything but it’s nothing to do with him. If Peter was afraid of anyone, it’s nothing to do with my dad so keep him out of it.’
I see David fidget, his mouth tighten, and he wrings his hands, a movement which I keep catching out of the side of my eye.
‘No one is blaming anyone,’ I say, as always being the peacemaker in my family, a family that has lost its foundation lately and now I can see why. Shannon and Mo are under Sean McGee’s spell once more, my mother is hiding her own regret and fear in alcohol, and whatever has happened to my dad or whatever he has been going through lately has slipped through the net, eluding all of us who should have been looking out for him, including me.
‘Kate is well within her right to ask as many questions as she pleases,’ my mother says, topping up her glass. It hurts me so deeply to see her wash away her pain with a bottle or two of red wine, but it makes sense now why Mo has turned a blind eye to her drinking. She has been too preoccupiedand besotted again with Sean McGee. ‘And no one is suggesting Peter was afraid of anyone. She’s just asking questions.’
The room falls silent and I feel so glad of my mother’s support, even if I know she might not remember this conversation the next day. I can sense how everyone is scrambling to think of what to say next. David is sitting across from me at the far end of the table and, once more, his body language distracts me.
I look at him, willing him to say what’s on his mind. He’s the only one of us here who is fit to distinguish the wood from the trees right now in this awful riddle. Although he only knew my father in recent times, he is so far removed from any torrid history my dad might have had that I’m hoping he has some words of wisdom to share. I need him to settle my worry as images of my dad struggling against someone who had been making his life a misery flashed across my mind.
‘Peterwasafraid actually,’ he says eventually, and we all turn quickly towards him. ‘He was very afraid and knew he was being watched.’
‘What?’
He stands up and paces the floor, rubbing his forehead as if he is trying to remember something.
‘I don’t know – it was a very brief conversation we had when he was with us at Christmas. We were having a drink at the pub, but he said there was darkness in the community of a new sort, not like before. He did mention Sean.He said he felt there were eyes upon him, but he didn’t say why. He didn’t need to.’
Now, it’s my turn to stand up and Mo does too.
‘What are you trying to say, David?’ she cries. ‘Are you saying Sean had something to do with Peter’s death? How dare you! Peter O’Neill died of a heart attack, so don’t you dare come here recalling drunken conversations you can barely even remember from months ago! He died of a heart attack!’
‘He died of a heart attack because perhaps someone had been threatening him and they broke into his house!’ my mum shouts, but I’m no longer listening to them and their bickering. I have only one question that sits in my stomach as if I’ve swallowed lead.
‘David, if my father was so afraid …’ I whisper. ‘If my father was so afraid of someone or something, how could you have known that and not told me?’
I stand on the kitchen floor, my face frozen in bewilderment.
‘Because he made me promise not to tell you, Kate,’ David pleads with me. He comes towards me but for the first time since I’ve known him, I turn away from his approach. My skin prickles in horror. I want to press rewind and help my dad. I feel like I’m drowning. ‘He didn’t want you to worry about him. He was afraid of you getting involved and getting into trouble!’
