‘I’ve heard of Sean McGee and his tribe from Kate, and he’s a fierce fella it seems, but he doesn’t scare me,’ I say, knowing that a lot of my bravado is born out of the physical distance between us.
‘Yes, I hear you stood your ground when you met him in Annie’s last year,’ says Peter with a deliberate nod of his head. ‘And that Annie chased him on his way too. You know, Annie and I might not be together any more, but she’llalways be the true love of my life and that will never go away. We’re still in love behind it all, and I’d rather have her in my life than ever be without her.’
I picture Peter and Annie together, two very strong and striking people, and I feel sorry for the love they lost, whatever their story may be.
‘I’m sad to hear it didn’t work out for you both,’ I tell him.
‘Ah, it’s a long story, David,’ he says. ‘But Sean McGee knows his targets, and Annie has been a pawn for his gang for long enough, so I was delighted to hear she stood up to him at last. Surprisingly, he’s left her alone since, but of course he’s always going to want to call there to see Shannon. That’s the trouble. They’re linked to him for ever.’
I shake my head at the pity of it all. Shannon is a delight, a wonderfully bright girl who has a strong head on her shoulders and doesn’t deserve to be dragged down by a father who chooses to live in the gutter.
‘To be honest, David, between you and me,’ he whispers, ‘there’s great darkness in a very small corner of our community that will always be there as long as Sean and his types are around. It’s gone way beyond politics at this stage. It used to be about paramilitaries and their hunger for war, but now it’s about drugs, it’s about power and street crime, but most of all it’s about control. I can feel their eyes on me everywhere I go. I made mistakes in my past by getting caught up in their world and it seems they wantme to pay for those mistakes for ever. They don’t like you and Kate being together and they’re already calling me out as a traitor for “allowing” this to happen.’
‘How do you mean they want to make you pay?’ I ask him. ‘Do you owe this gang money, Peter?’
He rubs his weary eyes.
‘They want to make me pay in more ways than one,’ he whispers. ‘Put it like this, I won’t be broadcasting that I’ve come here for Christmas. Sean McGee thinks I owe him some sort of loyalty and, no matter how much I beg him to loosen his grip, it’s like he has a noose around my neck. One day I fear he’ll tug that noose too tightly.’
The lines on Peter O’Neill’s face are drenched in the history of a world that neither Kate nor I choose to recall any more, but I also know that what Peter is telling me is pretty serious on so many levels.
‘Are you afraid, Peter?’ I ask him, hoping the answer will be no. I’d hate for Kate to have to worry about her dad when she is so settled now, enjoying her life and happiness at last.
‘Afraid?’ he asks me, his frightened eyes already answering my question.
‘If you’re in any sort of trouble, please don’t keep it to yourself,’ I say to him. ‘I’m not claiming it’s better here than it is where you live, but if you ever want to get away from it all, even for a break, there’s always a bed for you here. No one would need to know.’
Peter looks away, then stands up from his bar stool and pats his pockets where he finds a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and talks to me as it hangs there. His eyes are yellowing, he is thin in stature, and I feel sorry for him now in a way I never dreamed I would.
‘Of course I’m afraid, but I’m used to it by now,’ he says, and then he has a change of heart. ‘For God’s sake don’t tell Kate I said that! I mean it, don’t breathe that to her or she’ll be on the next plane home and I don’t want her anywhere involved. You’ll promise me that now, David?’
His eyes plead with me so there’s no way I can say anything different. I know he’s right. If Kate thought her father was living in any sort of fear, she’d believe she could fix it right away and could end up in a lot of trouble herself, plus it would confirm all her biggest fears about us and the risks she has always believed we’ve been taking.
‘I promise,’ I say to him. ‘I won’t say a word, but if it’s about debt or if I can—’
‘Just leave it. I’ve said too much as it is. You’re a good lad, David,’ he interrupts me, putting his hand on my shoulder, and I can see for real now that his eyes are indeed clouded with fear. ‘You’re a good, good lad. You mustn’t tell Kate, for God’s sake.’
We stand there in silence as the noise of the pub fades into the background around us, and then Peter takes the cigarette from his mouth, takes a breath and speaks again.
‘You know, the world is full of stupid, ignorant and judgemental people, and I’m only sorry that I was once one of them,’ he says to me, ‘but when you get to my stage in life, David, you realize what’s most important.’
‘I hear you.’
‘Everyone has a story, everyone has a background, a reason to believe in what they believe,’ he says, ‘and everyone has a right to stand up for those beliefs. However, with respect to all that, I’ve learned not to judge a book by its cover. In my old age I’ve learned that a person’s true self is much more than their politics or religion. It might just take them a while to realize that.’
I slide off my stool and stand up tall beside him, and then I shake his hand.
‘Kate loves you very much, Peter, don’t ever forget that, and I know you’ve been good to Maureen and Shannon as far as life has allowed you to, even though they aren’t your own flesh and blood.’
‘I have, in my own way.’
‘Kate once told me not to be so hard on myself,’ I tell him, ‘and although it has taken a while and a bit of hard work, I’m learning to do just that. Nobody’s perfect.’
He blinks back tears and then squeezes his inner eyes with his right hand.
‘Do you fancy one more for the road?’ I ask him.
I nod to the barman for service without having to wait for him to answer. He walks away slowly towards thesmoking area at the rear of the pub but then, as if he’s just remembered something, he makes his way back to me again.
