‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, as guilt ripples through me. I know he’s right. I know we can’t go on like this for much longer.
We lie there for a moment in silence, his rapid breathing catching my attention. I understand his anger and I feel it too, but I just can’t imagine the day when this will all beacceptable. Could we really walk around our home town with our heads held high – the daughter of a Republican prisoner and the son of a church minister who has his own staunch beliefs on the opposing side?
I could, I tell myself. I could if it meant the alternative was losing David.
‘Look, when you put it like that, it does sound a bit ridiculous,’ I agree with a sigh. ‘I’m sorry for letting this drag on for so long. I really am and I don’t want it to smother us, ever.’
I take a moment to admire him as he lies there, even though I can feel a storm brewing inside of him. I know all the signs when his anger and frustration start to build up. He goes quiet, then he disappears for a while, and before I know it he’s spilling out a rage that bubbles from deep within.
His dark hair is still damp from the shower; his heavy eyelashes that frame his blue eyes flicker on his face as he blinks back his frustration. His tanned, muscular arms lie above the snow-white duvet and his golden skin glistens in the morning sun.
He is my whole world, and I want more for us as much as he does, but I’m just so afraid of it all going wrong.
‘I need you to know, once and for all, I’m not afraid of any of that shit, Kate.’
‘I know you aren’t but—’
‘But nothing!’ he interrupts me. ‘We are bigger than that. We live in different times than your parents and minedid, thank God. I want us both to go together to see them and face the music. Let’s get this all out in the open once and for all and suck up the consequences, whatever they may be.’
I close my eyes, trying to picture the scene. I imagine the Sean McGees of my world and how they would torment me if they found out. He may be a waste of space in my eyes, but he has an influence and an ignorance that wouldn’t stop him from hurting me, David or – worse – one of my own family, just to stake his claim on what he believes to be right or wrong.
‘David, my mother served time in prison for doing something which is the direct opposite of what people like your father believe in,’ I say, feeling tears of frustration prick my eyes. ‘We couldn’t be more different if we tried on that level. We have to take it slowly.’
‘I don’t care any more!’ he pleads. ‘I want you to meet my mother and I want to meet yours. I’d love to meet Shannon again. Can’t you understand that? This is not normal! It’s so far from normal and it’s going to eat us up inside, no matter how much we just choose to float along and wait for a magic wand to make it all better!’
I get out of the bed and go to the window, wrapping a towel around me on the way. I stand there, looking out on the tree-lined streets I’ve called home since I moved out of my place with Sam. It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like a different me.
We both have come so far, and we deserve so much more than what I’ve allowed for us. It’s been totally my decision to put a cap on how public we are, and I hate myself for being such a coward.
‘You are absolutely right,’ I tell him, deciding once and for all to rise above my fears.
‘What?’
‘I’m saying you’re right. When you come back from Haiti, we’ll travel home together and we’ll visit your parents and mine in a united front,’ I say, trying not to imagine it in reality as it makes me so nervous. ‘The one thing I believe in more than anything is me and you.’
I turn to him and all I want to do is lie beside him and wish this all away.
‘Are you sure?’ he asks me.
‘Yes, I’m sure,’ I say, slipping back beneath the covers, beside the warmth of his manliness that makes me feel so safe and secure always. ‘Let’s tell our families when we get home and we’ll plan our future properly at last.’
DAVID
‘How about, the first one to get a proper job that’s worthwhile on either side of the pond makes the move?’ Kate says just before I leave as she steps our plans up a gear at last. ‘I’ll start looking up nursing jobs in the wider Londonarea and I’ll have a look at science teaching posts for you here in Dublin as an alternative. I’m excited.’
I put my arms around her small waist and pull her close to me, hoping that a day will come when this won’t be part of our normal routine. My decision to sign up as a reserve for a year was only to gain some wider aid experience, as our bigger plan is to grow Kate’s charitable efforts to a much larger degree in future, a project we can easily work on together and build, with her nursing experience and my practical nature.
‘That sounds like a deal,’ I whisper.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ she says to me. ‘So, so much.’
‘Ditto,’ I tell her.
My mission tomorrow to the earthquake-shattered island of Haiti is my first aid expedition with the RAF reserves out of the country since Kate and I got together, and to say I’m nervous is an understatement.
Haitian airspace is becoming dangerously congested with the vast number of aircraft trying to get to Port-au-Prince to provide assistance. There’s talk of looting, of machete-wielding gangs and attacks on aid vehicles, as devastated locals panic to get supplies to their communities fast, but I’m hoping to put it all down to experience.
‘This will be all worth it, I promise,’ I tell her, kissing her forehead. ‘When I get back, I’ll come over here for the weekend again and we’ll head north, clear the air, and start our proper plans to settle down together.’
