I swallow.
‘And I remember you too, David.’
Our knees brush under the table and I take a sip of water to try and stay focused.
‘Here’s to those carefree innocent days, and you in yourred tunic and white hairband,’ he says, making my stomach flutter.
‘And here’s to the rascality of you back then, my future ice-cream shop boy with the one-time, very eye-catching purple hair.’
We smile and, as we drink now from our wine glasses, I can’t resist just one more longing stare in his direction before I default back into the friend zone. David Campbell is beautiful and strong on the outside, yet I can see that on the inside he is still so vulnerable and fragile. I can also see how his energy rises when we talk or when we are together in person. Being together makes us both feel better, it’s obvious by now, but we are also both broken souls who could easily hook onto each other for all the wrong reasons and I’d be devastated if we destroyed what we had by getting carried away in a moment of foolish passion.
‘You all finished?’ asks the waiter, in a welcome break from the intensity that lingers in the air. ‘How was it?’
‘Thank you, that was delicious,’ I say, trying my best to ignore how David’s smile pings on my heartstrings and how, every time our eyes meet, my pulse races. ‘Gosh, is that the time already? Where has the evening gone to?’
The last train north leaves in just over an hour and I realize we have time for dessert and not much more, which pains me more than it should.
He asks for a dessert menu and then leans across the table a little towards me in a movement that pulls mein, the ticking of the clock adding to the urgency we both seem to feel. I can’t take my eyes off how sexy he looks in the flesh now, ten years on from the cheeky, rebellious young man he was then to the hunky, strong person who makes me ache to touch him.
We sit for a moment in contemplative silence as the veil of tension hangs in the air, no doubt on the very same train of thought as we imagine another us in another world. I want to question him about his marriage, whether he really should be having the thoughts he has when he’s about to pledge his love to a woman for the rest of his life. I want him to tell me he’s changed his mind, but that’s not for me to decide, so I can’t and I don’t.
‘I always like to think we can only deal with where we are right now,’ I continue, trying to close the subject and move on for both of our sakes. ‘It’s healthier to think that way instead of dwell on what could have been, isn’t it?’
I can see him swallow as he ponders his answer.
‘Yes, that’s definitely the best way to look at it,’ he says, scanning the dessert menu to avoid my eye. Then he looks at me again. ‘Although, I can’t help but still feel very angry at my dad for pushing you away back then. We would have been great friends despite our differences, I know we would.’
He lets out a long, frustrated sigh.
‘There’s no point in holding on to all those negative emotions, David,’ I remind him gently. ‘We have found each other again now and I’d much rather have you in my lifethan not. What’s meant to be will always find a way and I think we’ve proved that theory to be correct, yeah?’
He smiles at me and my heart leaps a little.
‘You always seem to find the right words, Kate,’ he tells me. ‘How on earth do you do that?’
I shrug without giving him a proper answer, and do my best to read the blur of sweet options on the menu in front of me.
‘Being with you always makes me feel better too,’ I say truthfully as I look at the menu without looking at him.
If only he knew how much I’m battling inside with frustration right now at the thought of him leaving here so soon, and of how I hate that I don’t know when I’ll see him in the flesh again, and how all the pain of Sam and his rejection and betrayal has magically disappeared now that he is beside me.
He heals me a little every single time we talk or meet, and I think I do the same for him.
I can’t find any other way to describe it right now but being with him is like filling a void that’s been in me for over ten years now.
He heals me.
I don’t want him to marry Lesley. Not only that, but the way he looks at me and the way we make each other feel, I really don’t think it would be a good idea for any of us.
DAVID
The conversation flows so easily between Kate and me, and time goes too fast for this, our first proper meeting in person after six months of constant contact.
Being with her this evening is even more than I could ever have imagined. She is like a shining light, so full of positivity and joy with her stories of how she goes the extra mile in the work with the children she looks after on a daily basis. The way she can read me and what I’m thinking sometimes takes my breath away, and I know we are treading dangerous waters by meeting up. I know the simmering attraction between us could threaten to bubble over now we are physically together, but I’m determined to stay in control. I want us to be friends, nothing more.
I absorb her as she speaks, while the tick of the clock makes my heart thud with every turn of the second hand, an indicator that my time here with Kate is only borrowed, but every moment is worth it. Her laugh, her eyes, her smile, her teeth, her hair, her words, her voice; the way she looks at me with such intensity, the way she ponders over everything she says so that it has perfect meaning, the way she makes me feel exactly how I should.
I really don’t want to say goodbye.
