I can’t help it. I smile at the very idea and allow myself – just for one moment – to imagine a time when we might be able to see each other in a way we want to, and not through the blurred vision of a sectarian divide.
‘Oh, Kate,’ he says, looking away and rubbing his forehead.
‘What?’ I ask him, totally puzzled.
He looks down the street and then back at me.
‘Nothing,’ he says, blowing out a deep breath. ‘Look, I’d better get back to Lesley but let’s stay in touch this time, OK?’
He grips my hand, lets it go again slowly and I stand there as he walks away down the hill.
‘Bye for now, Kate,’ he calls back to me. ‘Chat very soon, I hope.’
‘Goodbye, David. It was nice to see you again,’ I whisper, my voice cracking a little as I speak.
He stops and looks back, then he nods as if in full agreement, and turns away from me again. I swallow hard and try to ignore how much my head is spinning right now, then I watch him until he disappears into the crowd and I make my way back to my family.
I found him again and I can’t wait to tell Shannon.
I can’t wait to tell her I found the ice-cream shop boy.
DAVID
I found her.
I can’t stop grinning from ear to ear. My God, her smile floored me in a way that she will never know, which is why I couldn’t help but look up to the sky in response.
It floored me even more than what she told me aboutmy father sending her away did and, as I walk back to the bench where Lesley sits, her head tilted back towards the sun, I realize that when I was at my darkest hours after the bombing – when I heard about Aaron’s death and any of the many times down the years where I’d wake in the night with tremors and flashbacks – it had been her smile that had kept me going.
I would close my eyes and I’d picture her smile.
I would remember her that day in the shop, walking past the counter and complimenting me so subtly, and I’d recall later that afternoon when the tears streaked through the ash on her face and she still managed to smile at me then, if only for a second, even though we were both in so much physical pain and frightened beyond our wildest nightmares.
‘There you are!’ Lesley says, standing up to greet me. She kisses me on the cheek and takes my hand, but I let go, pretending I need to take off my jacket. I feel bad, but I can still feel Kate’s hand in mine, and I want to hold on to that feeling for just a little bit longer. ‘You feeling any better? You look very different. A lot more settled?’
I didn’t get her number, I realize. I gave her mine, but she didn’t give me hers in return. Knowing this lights a sense of fear inside me, but it’s too late to go back and try to find her again. The event is almost over, and I need to get away from here before the crowd starts moving or we’ll be stuck in traffic for ages and my nerves won’t handle it.
‘Let’s go and have a picnic lunch somewhere,’ I suggestto Lesley, feeling a little bit guilty for the thoughts that are running through my head. ‘I’d love to switch off from all of this. How does that sound?’
‘Wonderful,’ she says, linking her arm with mine as we walk towards our hired car. ‘I’m so proud of you, David. I’m glad you got through today and that you’re feeling better.’
‘Me too,’ I say, wanting so badly to come clean with her about meeting Kate and how it has shaken me to the core, but knowing that now is not the time to launch back into a past she can’t and won’t ever understand.
And the other truth is that I can’t bear to go home yet, as I don’t think this time I’ll be able to hold back what I feel like saying to my father. If Lesley thought I was ‘angry again’ at him earlier, I’m afraid at how this latest revelation will affect me when I see him later.
Our flight leaves tonight back to England and, even though I’ve always wanted to be as far away from here as possible, there’s a tug inside me now that holds me here and I know I’ll be counting the minutes, hours and days until I hear from Kate again.
I’m already wondering what she’s doing now.
My mother is waiting for us when we get back to the rectory manor later that afternoon and, as always, it breaks my heart to see the light dim from her eyes with every visit.
I remember how she used to laugh so loudly and heartily for such a refined person; her sense of humour was veryoften the one thing that kept me sane when I was growing up within these walls.
She hands me an Americano and has made some iced coffee for Lesley, knowing it’s her favourite. We don’t have long before our flight. I feel bad for my mother that I avoid staying for dinner or overnight, but I can’t bear to be here in this house for any longer than I have to.
‘Where is he?’ I ask her, trying to appear calm and cool as I feel my blood bubble beneath my skin. I can’t leave here without saying something to him. I need to let him know that I know. I just can’t pretend it didn’t happen, even if it was so long ago.
‘Your father?’ she asks, as if I could be talking about anyone else. ‘Oh, he’s in the garden. He always likes to read out there when the sun is out. How did today go?’ she asked, concern in her voice. ‘You look tired, David. Are you tired?’
