"He works a ton, but when I do see him, it's great."
She gives me a knowing smile. "You sticking to your promise and being nice to Zane?"
"Totally."
Her hazel eyes twinkle. "You haven't seen him, have you?"
"Nope. Although I thought I did yesterday. On Main Street. But it turns out it was just Mr. Patterson’s horse flicking its tail."
"Courtland!" Lola chastises, covering her laugh behind her hand. "That's terrible."
"Then don't laugh. It only encourages me."
She pulls herself together. "And have you told Buzz how you feel yet?"
In the absence of having a mother who actually cares, Lola has always taken on that role. She doesn't have any kids of her own and has never been married, so I'm the closest thing she has to a son.
I confided in her a few days ago about my feelings for Buzz. She didn't look one bit surprised, only saying, "Well, it's about damn time," and asking me to pass her the herb tray.
"Not yet," I answer.
"Is there a reason for the delay?"
I nod. "I've been doing some thinking, and…what if he and Zane belong together?"
She scrunches her nose. "You don't honestly believe that, do you?"
I take another sip of water, my throat dry. "No."
"Then what is it, sweetie? What's holding you back?"
I push away from the desk and stare out the window, taking in the pewter-gray sky, the snow-dusted ground, and the stark silhouette of leafless, black-limbed trees. Even though I don't believefor a secondZane and Buzz are meant to be together, it's brought into focus something else—are Buzz and I?
With a resigned breath, I voice the question that's been gnawing at me since my confrontation with Zane. "What will telling Buzz actually achieve? It won't change anything. In a way, it's kind of selfish for me to dump it on him."
"Being honest about how you feel is never selfish," Lola says, her voice soft. "It's important in any relationship to be able to say how you feel. Even if it doesn't change anything."
"I'm not so sure anymore. I don't want to dump this on Buzz and have it affect the time we have together. I just want to enjoy it. He's been through it with Cameron breaking up with him, then Howie moving in, and now I come along and dump a lifelong crush on him? That's not fair."
"But if it's how you feel."
"I'm confused about how I feel. I have this fantasy in my head of opening up to Buzz and him telling me he feels the same way, and then we ride off into the sunset together. Then I crash back down to earth with the realization that we lead two very different lives in different cities. Then I think about him going to a chocolate-making class with Zane tonight, and I get the sudden urge to strangle a pillow." I let out a heavy sigh. "This is why I don't do feelings."
"You'll figure it out," Lola consoles, aiming a friendly smile my way. "Take the pressure off, stop overthinking like I know you're prone to do, and as you said, allow yourself to enjoy the next half a year. A lot can happen in that time."
"I think that's what I'll do."
"Good." She claps her hands together. "Now that's sorted, you can help me with lunch."
20
Buzz
"This is fun," I say to Zane as I decorate my chocolate bars with a drizzle of caramel. "I really appreciate you organizing this."
He stops sprinkling sea salt over his tray of bars and smiles. "My pleasure. I enjoy spending time with you."
"I enjoy spending time with you, too." I eye off his well-tempered dark-chocolate creations that look way better than the roughly surfaced turds my chocolate bars resemble. "And I cannot wait to try one of those."
