I hung my head again. “Probably not. I just hate how far away God feels.”
Resting his elbows on the arm rests of his chair, Father Cruz steepled his fingers. “Repeat that last word.”
“Uh . . . feels.”
He nodded. “Our feelings can be deceiving. Your only job is to repent—as in confessing and doing a one-eighty-degree turn, walking away from sin and running towards God.Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”
“I can’t do it on my own, Father Cruz.” I clenched my fists. “I did repent, but I just can’t forgive myself.”
“You don’t have to do it on your own. Keep asking the Lord to grant you the ability to move on. You can’t focus all your energyon serving Him if you keep wasting it on thinking about your past.”
More wise words I needed time to process.
“Have you prayed about God’s will for your future?” he asked.
This was the question I’d been dreading. I nodded nonetheless.
“Got an answer?”
I gave another nod.
Father Cruz leaned back in his chair. “Good, because I got one, too.”
Chapter 29
Harley
“She’s gonna be so mad,” Bella mumbled as she passed me another three spicy books from one of Giuliana’s bookshelves. Her bedroom was almost as impressive as Bella’s, except it bragged dark tones instead of white and peach—black marble walls and floor, a maroon carpet and bedding, the closet and desk charcoal. Only the fairy lights hanging over the bed and threaded along the bookshelf brought some cheer into the otherwise dark room.
“I don’t give a rip,” Rome said from where he was man-spreading it in a cozy lounge chair in the corner. Looting his niece’s book collection while she was in school had been his idea, and I’d told him Bella could help. Which, of course, he’d immediately agreed to.
Now he was watching my best friend’s every move, his amber eyes continuously darkening. I had a feeling it only partially had to do with the amount of books Bella pulled from the shelves.
Oh boy.
“Oof, this is another one.” Bella handed me a hardback with a rosary on it. Her gaze came briefly up to me. “Have you, um . . . heard from Kingsley?”
I took the book and tucked it into cardboard box number three. Hopefully Giuli hadn’t read all of them. “Nope.”
But he still squatted rent-free in my brain. Going back to work had been a great decision, allowing me to forget about him for short periods of time. But those green eyes that radiated so much love, his protectiveness, and the way he’d taken care of me always invaded my thoughts sooner rather than later.
And I latched onto those images like a starving woman. I didn’t want to forget him. Heck, I was scared I’d forget what he looked like. What he smelled like. What he felt like.
“He’s still in the monastery,” Rome broke into my thoughts. “I talked to Brother Matthew on Sunday. Said Kingsley isn’t allowed to attend at the moment. Got kicked out of seminary, too. At least for now.”
My stomach clenched. This sounded serious. The fact that he hadn’t been expelled yet was a good sign, though. Right?
At least once a day I prayed that he would be able to move on from me and find freedom from his chains. I myself was making small progress. Throwing everything out had definitely helped. What really made the difference, though, was spending more time in the Word and God’s presence. And just knowing that He was fighting for me.
Bella let out a long sigh. “How many more books does this girl have?”
“I swear I’m gonna break into Garrison Correctional Center just to punch some sense into my brother.” Rome stood and fished a book out of one of the boxes. Looked at it for a long moment, then tossed it back inside. “Why did he allow her to buy this brain rot?”
“Maybe he didn’t know what they were about,” Bella said, looking over her shoulder at him.
“Sure did. He just didn’t care. He never cared about nothing that concerned her.”
Bella’s gaze snapped to me—
