For a moment I thought I’d heard Kingsley’s deep voice and I whipped my head around. No one was behind me. Just an illuminated liquor shelf. My knees almost buckled, and I clung to the translucent onyx bar. “What can I get you?” I heard myself ask.
“Lincoln Grady Family Reserve. On the rocks.”
My hand shook when I grabbed the bottle from under the counter. Of course that’s what he wanted. And as if this wasn’t enough, a remix of Gloria came on. I gave the guy his drink and closed my eyes, hearing Kingsley chant as if he stood right next to me.
My heart raced.I can’t breathe. I can’t . . .
I stumbled from behind the bar and through the crowd, not sure where I was going. Just out of here. Fresh air, I needed fresh air.
“Harley! Hey!” Rome grabbed my shoulder and whirled me around. “Where you going?”
“Out of here. I need to get outside. Please.”
Something shifted in his demeanor. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and steered me through the throng, literally plowing people out of the way. One of the bouncers opened an exit door for us, and we climbed the stairs to the upper floor where we emerged from a side door right onto Velvet Drive.
I sucked in air, and even though it was polluted, it felt like pure oxygen compared to the stuffed air in the club. Slick SUVs and limousines cruised by despite it being almost five a.m., a drunk couple stumbling past us.
“What’s going on Harley?” Rome’s hand still rested on my shoulder.
I wrapped my arms around myself. “Panic attack, I guess.”
“Yeah, I got that. What triggered it?”
“Dunno.” I stared at the flickering LED screen the height of a ten-story building displaying some kind of fashion brand. “Everything reminds me of him. Every stupid F-150, every guy with dark brown hair and beard, every smell even slightly similar to the kind of soap he uses.” I pressed my fingers to my temples. “And I feel so empty. It’s like I left a part of myself at the monastery.”
Rome raked a hand through his hair. “It’ll be like this for a while. But it’ll get better with time.” His gaze became distant. “At least somewhat.”
“Thanks for the encouragement.” We cracked a tired smile at the same time, which made me laugh. Then the tears came.
“Oh, tesoro, non piangere.” Rome pulled me into a hug, resting his chin atop the crown of my head.
His Italian reminded me of Latin, which reminded me of Kingsley. My heart crumpled in my chest, the agony manifesting in ugly sobs.Please make this pain stop, Jesus. I know it’s my fault, but I can’t take it anymore.
Yet I knew this had to happen. Even if Kingsley wasn’t a monk, we’d still have done the wrong thing by getting intimate outside of marriage. We both needed to work on our issues individually. We both needed to sit with Jesus individually. We both needed to heal individually.
Rome never let me go as I cried into his chest. Despite being grateful for his comfort, I wished it would be Kingsley who held me. Who chanted until I had calmed down.
But it wasn’t him. It would never again be him.
“What the—”
Rome’s exclamation drew me up. I pulled away from him, wiping at my eyes. “What?”
“Is that you?” He was staring at the big LED screen, and I followed his gaze.
I gasped. “Oh my goodness!”
Chapter 26
Kingsley
I gripped my rosary so hard that the beads bit into my clammy palm. The minutes dragged by as I waited for Father Cruz in the rectory. I still hadn’t told him about my hiatus, but things were about to change any second now. I’d finally requested a one-on-one so I could confess everything.
The entire last week had been torture. Not a minute passed that Harley wasn’t on my mind. I fasted almost the entire time, which wasn’t hard because I barely got any food down since she left. I spent a lot of time in God’s presence, repenting with tears, reading the Bible, and begging for forgiveness. But the canyon between us only widened. The separation from Him was the worst feeling I’d ever experienced.
A knock came at the door, and I flinched.
Father Cruz entered, smiling. He claimed the worn armchair across from me and folded his hands. “What can I do for you, Brother Samuel?”
