“Of course I have to fall in love. With. A. Monk.” With each word I slammed the branch I was gripping against the thick trunk of the tree I had chosen to be my victim. Each hit reverberated up my arms and echoed through the small woods inside Saint James Monastery.
A monk. Out of every occupation or lifestyle or whatever, Kingsley had to be a monk.
“Argh!” Another hard hit. “Why can’t You just bring someone into my life who loves me and is actuallyallowedto love me?”
Kingsley’s handsome face snuck back into my mind. The hooded eyes and gravelly voice.“I love you, Harley Raines.”
He’d snagged the words right off my tongue. And I knew he meant them because the man’s every deed bled love.
Forbidden love.
With a frustrated scream, I hit the tree three more times, then flung the branch into the shrub and sank to the leaf-covered ground. I buried my face in my hands. My heart ached so much I could hardly breathe.I love him so much, Jesus. Of course I hadto drag him into my mess. I tainted him. Defiled him. Heck, I’m driving a stake between you two. What kind of Christian does that? Why don’t You heal me already? You heal everyone else.
I needed to leave this place.
“Harley?”
I jerked my head up. “Father Cruz.”
“Are you all right?” He wove through the trees and stopped in front of me, concern etched in his tan face. “I heard a scream.”
“Yeah, sorry.” Batting strands out of my face that had escaped my ponytail, I rose. “I’m just . . . venting to God.”About how madly in love I am with one of your monks but can’t have him. Oh, and we had sex. Twice.
The corners of Father Cruz’s mouth tugged into a wry smile. “Ah. I’m a bit more relaxed these days, but I used to talk to God just like that.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Really?” The man was so laid-back I had a hard time imagining him snapping.
“Oh yeah. The thing is, God appreciates our honesty. We can come before Him, no matter what emotional state we are in. Emotions in themselves aren’t sinful. But they can drive us to sinful actions if we aren’t careful.”
I let the words sink in, aching to confess everything. Which was impossible without getting Kingsley into hot water. I doubted he’d talked to the abbot. What kept him from taking the step?
“I have an appointment in the city,” Father Cruz said. “Would you like to tag along? I can drop you off somewhere.”
“Yes, please.” Getting out of these walls would hopefully allow me to breathe again. Everything here reminded me of Kingsley, even though he wasn’t around. And I needed to talk to someone. Bella should be home.
Half an hour later, I sat on her king-size bed, repeatedly running my hand over the pink silk comforter while sherummaged around in her walk-in closet. Her room was the stuff Pinterest boards were made of—white, luxurious furniture, a ginormous bookshelf, a plush carpet, and soft lighting. The subtle scent of her rosy perfume hung in the air.
“How are things going with Kingsley?” she hollered from inside the closet.
“Um . . . It’s probably for the best if I leave the monastery.”
“Why?”
“Because we had sex.”
Bella’s head slowly appeared in the entrance, her blue eyes wide as saucers. “Pardon me?”
I pursed my lips. Shrugged. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should feel guilty, and I do, but not as much as would be appropriate. He broke his vow of celibacy because of me. Do you know how much trouble he could get into because of that? They could kick him out of the monastery.”
Bella crossed the white wool carpet and sank down on the bed next to me. Smoothed out her flowery summer dress, her face drawn with sympathy. “What happened?”
Might as well spill everything. “We started building this insane connection, and then . . . I don’t know. It just happened. But it wasn’t sex. We madelove.” I closed my eyes. “I seduced a monk, Bella. Why do I have to be so rotten?”
“That doesn’t make you rotten.”
“Yes, it does. I’ve struggled with sexual sin as long as I can remember. I keep hearing how other Christians find freedom, but I don’t. First I tried to fight it, then I accepted it for what it was. Then I started fighting again, but it’s a battle I can’t win. Doesn’t the Bible say that when we are tempted God gives a way out? I must be either stupid or blind, because I can’t find it!”
Silence hung heavy between us as Bella chewed on her bottom lip. “Neither can I,” she finally murmured, avoiding my gaze.
