He placed his hands on my shoulders and squeezed. “You feel it too, don’t you?”
Okay, this was getting uncomfortable. “Feel what?”
“This.” Matt leaned in—
I shoved him away from me with so much force that he stumbled back into the sink on the opposite wall. Even though his mouth hadn’t been anywhere near mine, I wiped it with the back of my hand. “What on earth, man?”
Matt’s eyes were wide, his chest heaving. “I-I thought t-that’s what you were going to say. That you feel about m-me the way I feel about you.”
“What? No! What makes you think I have a thing for you?” My mind raced, still trying to process what’d just happened.
“I don’t know, maybe because you always check on me? Because you took care of me when I was sick? Because you call me Matt when it’s just the two of us?”
What? What was he talking about? “I do that because you’re my best friend. You’re like a brother to me, Ma—Brother Matthew. Of course I look after you. That doesn’t mean I have feelings for you.”
Pain flashed in his dark eyes. He whipped around, turning his back to me. White-knuckled the porcelain sink. “Man, I’m such anidiot.” He ground out the last word through clenched teeth. “I don’t even like men. Not until you.”
I shook my head. “This doesn’t make you an idiot. Living like . . . Living like we do, cut off from the world and doing everything together, builds a strong bond. It can make things . . . confusing.” At least that’s what I guessed had happened here. Why else would Matt develop feelings for me?
I closed my eyes.What is going on, Lord? Why can’t I just exist without ensnaring everyone?First Giuliana, then Harley, now Matt? And what about that server last year? I’d gone for lunch with my brothers, and the server had taken an interest in me, out of all four of us. Keaton was literally a model. But no, it had to be me. Why always me?
“Are you going to tell the abbot?” Matt asked quietly.
I opened my eyes, finding him looking at me through the mirror. “No.”
He deflated. Turned back to me. “Thank you. Sorry I, um . . . tried to kiss you.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. I destroyed our friendship. Now things are awkward and—”
“Matt.”
My sharp tone shut him up.
“You didn’t destroy our friendship. I won’t treat you any differently than before. Under one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You tell me if I do something that somehow gives you the idea I have the hots for you.”
He gave me a wry smile. “Deal.”
The tension in my shoulders eased a little. I heaved a sigh. “We have to get going.”
“Yeah. Wait. What were you going to tell me?”
I’d totally forgotten about Harley and what we’d done. The heavy feeling of regret returned with a vengeance. “I slept with our guest.”
Matt’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. He said nothing, but after the initial shock faded from his expression, disappointment took over. I knew he had been looking up to me since the first day he got here. I’d crushed the perfect illusion he had of me. Maybe not a bad thing.
“Let’s go.” I opened the door and stepped into the hallway.
After all this, how was I supposed to deliver a homily on the desires of the flesh during Midday Mass?
Chapter 17
Harley
