He moaned a little before he swung me around the floor. “Sorry, I’m picturing you in a garter and me taking it off with my teeth.”
“Oh, sure, Mathias Jørgensen is all about taking a garter off me,” I said on a snort, “with his teeth, no less.”
“There you go,” he whispered into my ear. His breath against my skin made me shiver involuntarily. “Using my full name again.”
“The way I see it, there are three of you,” I said, deciding I was too tired for this banter that never got us anywhere.
He leaned back with his arms locked around my waist. “Oh, really? Do tell,” he encouraged. The song changed to “Friends and Lovers,” and he crooked a brow at me as though he dared me to say something. I refused to give him the satisfaction.
“Today, for instance, all handsome in your suit and tie while standing tall next to Gulliver, I saw Mathias Jørgensen. On days when we’re working together huddled over the computer crunching the numbers, you’re Mathias.”
“And the third me?” His eyes were hooded when he held mine.
“The third you is Mattie. He’s the guy who wears those ridiculously soft T-shirts, takes pillows and blankets to the beach, and builds his best friend a fire. He’s the boy I remember from the park kicking a soccer ball and smiling like he didn’t have a care in the world.”
He offered me that same smile, and I reached up, tracing my finger across his lips. “Which version of me do you prefer?” His eyes were the lightest blue I’d ever seen, even in the dark of the night, and I could see to the bottom of his soul. The only thing I saw there was that boy I used to know. I saw his hand in mine through all the years we’ve shared together.
“I love each one for different reasons, but the one I’m in love with is Mattie, the boy who stole my heart twenty years ago and forgot to give it back.” His eyes widened, and I held his gaze. “I’m just saying it, Mattie, because the pain of holding it inside is becoming too much to bear. It’s physically painful to swallow down how I feel about you day after day. My biggest fear is finally getting the chance to say, ‘I love you,’ but not being able to because I swallowed it down for so long.” My voice was choked, and a tear tracked down my face. That’s when I knew I needed distance from him.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart,” he soothed, wiping my face. “I’m sorry for being Mathias Jørgensen with you when I should have always been Mattie. Inside, I’m still Mattie. I’m the boy who took you home to his mor because empathy rolled off him in waves when you stood in the park in your underwear. I’m the boy who kept you under his wing all these years because you were his and he was yours, with no questions asked. Somehow, I lost sight of that fact and became Mathias Jørgensen, a man who, honestly, no one liked, not even me. Over the last year you’ve reminded me how to be Mattie again. Over the last month you’ve let me be him more and more, and it’s honestly been the best month of my life.” He stripped off his suit coat and tossed it on the speaker, then started with his tie.
“What are you doing?” The music had ended, but the crickets’ song continued to serenade us.
“I’m getting rid of Mathias Jørgensen.” He ripped the tie off and unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a plain white tee. He threw the dress shirt onto the pile, too, before grabbing me again and pulling me against him. “I want you to be with the guy you love most. If that guy is Mattie, then that’s who I want to be, always and forever.”
I tenderly cupped his cheek with my palm. “I love the whole of you, Mattie,” I said again, rolling my eyes to the sky, “which I’ve said twice now. What I mean is, at the end of the day, when the business is done and the parties are over, it’s Mattie that I want to spend the quiet hours with at night. The time on the front porch swing with no interruptions, theDie Hardmarathons with nachos and wine, and the Scrabble competitions where I always win and you always get mad.”
He chuckled as his forehead lowered to mine. “Maybe if we work together, you can teach me how to let more and more of Mattie into the other two personas. Empathy and acceptance are two things we don’t have enough of in this world.”
I nodded as another tear fell from my eye, and we swayed in the summer night breeze. He swiped it away again and frowned. I was going to fall apart if I didn’t get out of here. I’d put myself out there again, but he didn’t do the same. It was time to get away from him before he witnessed how painful the truth was to me. I was too tired to hold the tears at bay for long.
“We should go to bed.” I pulled away from him and hurried across the grass and away from the dance floor. “It’s been a long day, and I’m tired,” I prattled on. I walked into the kitchen and headed for the stairs. “I want to take this dress off and put on something more comfortable.”
“Honey.” His voice was low, and his fingers were gentle on my arm when he grasped it. “Don’t run away from me.”
“I’m-I’m not,” I stuttered. “It’s late.” I swiped angrily at the tears that had started and wouldn’t stop. My heart was dying inside my chest, just when I’d thought his love was going to keep it beating for years to come.
“You know it breaks my heart when you cry, right?” He turned me into him and hugged me, his hand holding my head to his chest. “I always feel like I did something wrong.”
“You didn’t,” I muttered, my voice garbled by his chest.
He leaned back and gave me the Mattie smile again. “But I did. My fears and inadequacies as a man keep me from saying what’s in my heart. They keep me from speaking the words, honeybee.”
I nodded and shrugged at the same time. “I can’t say the words for you.” My voice cracked, and I just gave up speaking rather than sob uncontrollably.
He bit his lip, his eyes wild when they met mine. “I know. Please, don’t cry. I already see in your eyes how much I’ve hurt you over the last few years. I just want you to understand that it’s not you.”
“Well, there’s a classic line if I’ve ever heard it.” I sighed and dropped my hand from where it hovered by his chest. I had nothing left to give tonight, and I didn’t want to say something I shouldn’t. “Good night, Mathias.”
I turned and climbed the stairs as fast as the dress allowed. When I got to the top, he called my name longingly. I hesitated but refused to look down. There was no way my heart would hold together if I looked down. My whole life had been about people looking down on me, Mathias included. Maybe it was time for him to look up. If he didn’t, then I’d have the answer to all the questions tumbling around in my heart.
CHAPTER 16
The room was backlit by the moon when I rolled over and snuggled deeper into the pillow. After a shower, I’d fallen into bed and immediately dropped off to sleep. I was exhausted from the events of the day. Mostly, I was exhausted by the events of my life. Sleep was the only way to forget about the stabbing pain in my chest that kept me from taking a deep breath. His inability to be open with me, no matter what his feelings were, was becoming more than I could bear. Mathias kept saying he wanted me, and his kisses didn’t lie, but the damage he was doing by not being honest with himself or me was going to be the reason I left. The thought brought me to full awareness, and I blinked into the darkness, jumping upright when I noticed movement in the doorway.
“It’s me, honeybee,” he whispered, holding his hands out to calm me. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”
I flopped back onto the pillow and took a deep breath to get my heart started again. “Just a bit,” I joked. My gaze strayed to the clock. It was only one thirty a.m. I’d fallen asleep just a bit ago. “Did something happen?” I rubbed my eyes to clear them of sleep.
