“He only wanted what was best for you.”
He nodded while swinging our hands between us as we walked. “I know, and I needed that in the beginning. I had the hunger, but I didn’t always have the drive. He pushed me to keep going when I was nineteen and tired. I wanted to quit school and take a year off to be a kid, but he insisted I continue with my studies, only he added a job, just to remind me that I wasn’t any more privileged than he was. He stopped pushing me once I started my business and didn’t consult him about every decision, but there was still that fear of disappointing him in the back of my mind.”
“Now it makes sense.” I shoulder bumped him with understanding. “You decided he won’t be disappointed in you, so it’s time to back off on the business steamroller?”
He shook his head, using his free hand to block the setting sun from his eyes. “No, I already disappointed him, so suddenly there was nothing left to fear.”
I stopped short and grabbed the sleeve of his button-up chamois shirt. He wore it over his sexy white tee, and it had distracted me all damn day. “Whoa, what the hell, Mathias? You didn’t disappoint Theo. He’ll always be proud of you.”
He led me to a rickety bench that sat haphazardly under an apple tree. It looked like it had been there for decades as the wood curled with age. I felt that way sometimes. Worn. Tired. Ready to break but still there for the people who need me.
He held my hands on his lap and stared out over the acres of trees enveloping us. I loved the feeling of being trapped up in them. We were hidden from the world, and no one knew we sat among the leaves together. It was a secret only we shared, and here, anything was possible because there was nothing and no one to interrupt the things we needed to say.
“Far might be proud of who I am as a financier, but not as a man. As far as he’s concerned, I’m a disappointment when it comes to being a real man.”
“I don’t understand what that even means. I’m not sure you do either,” I said, shaking my head adamantly and with frustration.
He laughed. It was his sarcastic oh-have-I-got-a-few-words-for-you laugh. “I know exactly what it means. It means that he didn’t raise me to be a man without virtue, as he put it. He found out about a cruise I was on with Milas a little over a year ago. It was just before we finished the formula last summer, and the party was borderline illegal with some of the stuff that went on. When I got off the yacht in Duluth that day, I knew something had to change.”
“I never heard about that. What party? When?”
“Remember that night the blackmailers ran me off the road?”
I nodded and he tipped his head to the side.
“I was on my way back from Duluth. I had to spend half the day in a park because I was too damn drunk to drive. I hid everything so you didn’t see a shred of it. I was a raging lunatic, Honey. I don’t even remember half of the weekend. Long before Far found out about it, I had already given up that lifestyle. Those missing hours in my memory scared the crap out of me. What did I do? What did I say? Was my computer accessible to someone wanting to steal information from my accounts? In those few terrifying hours, I decided something had to change.”
“I noticed you stopped partying and taking girls out every night, but I just thought it was because we finished the formula. We’ve been going nonstop with the business ever since and haven’t had time for much else.”
“Celibate and proud for one year,” he said, raising his hand in the air for a moment before he waved it at his neck. “Regardless, when Far found out about the party a few months later, I saw the disappointment in his eyes that I’d been trying to avoid for years. What I forgot in the pursuit was that disappointment could come in many different ways. I let that one slip past me, and I’ve spent the last year trying to show him I’m no longer the guy on that yacht.”
Waves of anxiety rolled off him and broke across me. I felt like I was drowning in his emotions, and for the first time, I understood how deeply this had affected him. I rubbed his shoulder, hoping to calm the both of us. The string between us was taut tonight with his emotions, and I wanted to ease his turmoil. “I think he got the message. He was a different man on Sunday when we were there.”
He took my hand and held it to his chest. “I hope so. It’s been killing me slowly inside. I had to keep running the business, but I could change how I did that. It hasn’t been easy. There’ve been plenty of times where I’ve had to let a deal go because I wasn’t willing to jump back into that lifestyle.”
“It doesn’t appear to have affected your portfolio any, considering how many zeros are in your bank account.”
His hand tapped mine against his chest rhythmically while he considered that. “As you know, there are necessary business expenses and unnecessary business expenses. Since I’ve cut out the unnecessary ones, I’ve made more money.”
“Imagine that,” I teased, dropping my hand from his chest to his lap. “Considering you aren’t renting yachts and hotel suites every week.”
“I can’t undo what I did, but I can have more respect and dignity for myself and others. That’s all I’m trying to do.”
“You’re doing a good job of it so far. Keep it up,” I whispered. “I’m proud of you. I don’t know if that counts for anything, but I am. Even when I’m mad at you.”
“You’re mad at me?”
“No, not anymore. I was for a long time, though. Just forget it. When are you moving into the house?”
“I’ve been living there for the last week,” he said, confusion filling his voice.
“I mean, like actually moving your stuff in to stay. You’re kind of back and forth right now.”
“I am, but you know I’m just finishing the sale, so I’ll start moving things out slowly. I included most of the furniture as part of the sale. I prefer the comfortable furnishings of the farmhouse over the modern decor of the condo. I won’t have but a few big items to move in other than my clothing and office.”
“True, since you already moved in your biggest piece of luggage,” I muttered under my breath.
He spun me around so forcefully I swear I got whiplash. “Is that another reference to you being baggage? Seriously?”
