“You don’t think a double mastectomy is a bit radical?” he asked, swallowing back the fear in his voice.
“No, because as a woman, I see her logic. The doctor told her a right mastectomy would cure her, but he also warned her that it could come back in the other breast if she chose that route. In that case, I’d choose the double mastectomy too.”
“I get it, but it’s hard to fathom it as a man,” he admitted, biting his lower lip. “I’m mostly worried because it’s major surgery, you know.”
I took his hand and held it tightly, maybe too tightly, but he didn’t flinch. “I know, and I’m worried to the point I can barely breathe, but she’s got good doctors, and she will be okay. I keep telling myself she will be okay.”
He was silent for several minutes before he spoke again. “It’s hard being a guy sometimes. There’s no way to relate to what she’s going through. I’m glad you’re here for her.”
I stared at the fire to put my thoughts in order before I spoke. “I’ll always be here for Birgitte. She’s not going to go through this alone.”
“She doesn’t want you to deal with your epilepsy alone either, honeybee.”
“Would you stop saying that, please?” I shouted a little too loudly. “Stop calling it epilepsy. It’s not epilepsy!”
He stood and pulled me up into a hug. “It is epilepsy, Honey. The doctor said it often happens later in life to people who were born the way you were born. You didn’t do anything wrong. You know that, right?”
I leaned into him, and the softness of his pale pink tee brushed against my cheek. I inhaled the scent of him, noticing something different about the cologne he wore tonight. He had worn Armani for years, but this was clean, crisp, and had a hint of cardamom and violets that would make every woman weak in the knees—including me.
“You changed cologne,” I said, gazing up at him.
“It’s Armani, but it’s new. It’s called Stronger with You. I thought I’d change it up a little bit,” he explained on a wink.
“I like it.” My arms were still wrapped around his waist. Stronger with you.If only, I thought. “Thanks for driving me today.”
He caressed my back a couple of times in response. “You know I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.”
I chuckled into his shirt and rested my cheek against it. It was purely selfish. I loved the feel of his hard body against mine. Platonic hugs were the only time I got to experience that feeling, though. “You could have been a hundred other places, and not that long ago, you would have been.”
“I told you, I’m turning over a new leaf. That means I’m going to be there for the CT scan and any other tests you need too. I’m just going to be here more in general.”
I sighed and lowered myself to my chair. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?” I clasped my hands in front of me and stared into the fire.
“No, I’m not. You promised Mor and Far that you’d have the tests done. You can’t go back on that promise now.”
“I’ll have the tests, but let’s wait and see about the insurance. The headaches and episodes have been going on for a year, so a few more weeks won’t matter. I’m sorry for being crabby lately. I’ve been out of sorts.”
He copied my posture and stared into the flames licking their way up the logs. “I know, and I’m probably to blame, so don’t worry about it, okay?”
“How are you to blame for me having seizures?”
He leaned back and rested his hands on his belly. “Not for the seizures, but the crabby part. I’ve been piling one thing on you after another without considering how it might be affecting you. I realized it Monday morning when you stood by the doors, and even though the closed-circuit TV was grainy, I could see how broken you were. It just killed me to see you that way,” he said, shaking his head and falling silent. He took several breaths before he spoke again. “I want the old Honey back. The one who smiles and laughs. The one who throws her hands up in the air in joy as we drive down the highway in the convertible. The one who doesn’t look at me with total disappointment at the man I’ve become. She’s been missing since this.” He traced his finger up the scar on my arm, leaving goose bumps in its wake.
“I haven’t had a lot to laugh or smile about since then. Single-handedly, I almost destroyed your business. I embarrassed myself in the worst way, and that can’t be undone.” I took a breath, and he wrapped his long fingers around the scar on my arm.
“You didn’t embarrass yourself. You were between a rock and a hard place, and what you did was hold on long enough for us to finish what we’d started. To me that showed more strength than I could ever hope to have. Gulliver said the same thing. You were suffering, in pain, scared, and alone, and yet you managed to play the long game with the people who wanted to kill you. While all of that was going on, you were working on your bachelor’s degree. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m not disappointed in you regarding what happened last summer. I never was. I was scared to death when I found out what was going on, but I was always proud of you, Honey. I want you to know how proud I am to be your best friend.”
He used those two words on purpose, and I knew what he meant by it. Mathias would always be my best friend, but that was all he would ever be. I’d gotten that memo loud and clear a long time ago, so I wasn’t sure why he had to keep reminding me.
“Have you decided if you’re going to move out here or not?” he asked.
“I still don’t know,” I admitted quietly.
“What’s stopping you? I thought you were excited about the house.”
“I was, am,” I said on a nod. “I don’t know. I guess I just don’t trust you anymore.”
He put his hand to his chest and pushed. “Jeez, Honey. Just destroy me while you’re at it.”
