Torin was gone, I just had to get used to it.
35
LEXI
2004 - LAUREL RIDGE
Two months passed.
It was strange how quickly life could fold back into something that looked normal — grocery runs, watching movies with Jen on the weekends, seeing Cooper occasionally when I gathered with our friends.
But not seeing him daily anymore. That had been hard to get used to at first.
Now it was normal.
I spent a lot of time leaning into my new persona, horse lady. I took lessons and spent a lot of time with Ferrari. I worried a bit that the two people I talked to the most were a horse and a Maine coon cat. They were my favorite people in the world, I was a little depressed about that.
But they were here. They hadn’t left me.
At first, I told myself that this was all temporary. I kept expecting to have a storm and for Torin to be lying in a puddle on my lawn,Och aye, mo leannan, I am glad tae see ye,his plaid dripping wet from the storm. But as the days stretched into weeks, and the weeks into months, everyone around me repeated the same refrain:he’s gone, you’ll never see him again.
I didn’t believe them. At least, not at first.
But then I grew used to being alone.
The silence settled in.
My bed felt too big.
Every time I turned on the lamp, I thought of nights spent in pitch blackness with him, whispering reassurances in the dark. My heart hurt in ways I hadn’t known were possible, like I was hollow, an empty shell of my former self.
I tried to fill the hollow. Sometimes I even managed to laugh.
And yet — in the quiet, in the still places, I really really missed him. Ilongedfor him. My memories of our days together, once foggy, grew vivid.
When I closed my eyes I could see his back stretching his shirt ahead of me. Sometimes I swore I could feel the swaying of the horse beneath me as we rode, a warm embrace of his arms around me. In startling moments I would catch a bit of scent that would remind me of heather on the moors, or a smoke filled tavern —I would breathe deep, looking around for him. Falling asleep I would have a glimpse of that lock of hair on his cheek as my fingers reached out, brushing it away.
I woke in the night, having heard his voice, deep and steady,Are ye well? I miss ye. I pray tae God ye are well...
I hated myself for hoping, but I couldn’t stop. I hoped he would please come back for me.
Even though I couldn’t imagine what that would mean.
I just missed him and there was an ache I couldn’t rid myself of. Jen noticed the ache and worried about me. I told her I was fine. I prayed that Torin was well too.
Then I was in month three. I had to admit, Coop had been right. Torin wasn’t coming back. I began the work of convincing myself to move on.
I just couldn’t do it, although the ache was quieter, my heart still longed, I couldn’t imagine living without him.
36
LEXI
JULY 7TH, 2004 - BREVARD, NC
Then it was my birthday, on a Wednesday night.
Jen was taking me out to dinner on the night of, telling me she knew I hated a fuss, but she had seen me kidnapped and almost die from diarrhea, so she got to make one.
