“Yeah, well, you’re easy to stare at,” I reply, chomping into my Double-Double.
She rolls her eyes.
“I don’t know why you’re making that face, pretty girl. You know I think you’re gorgeous.”
She smiles a little but it doesn’t quite meet her eyes
“So tell me,” she says, pushing her fries and burger off to the side only three-quarters eaten. I know it must be serious if she’s pushing her food away to say something. “Why did you ask me to be a part of this little basketball thing when I know nothing about sports. And be honest. I hate this bullshit about asking me because I am the only person who knows about the DUI. I think that’s ridiculous and you’re a fool if you think I’ll believe it.”
I swallow, the bite of burger I just took falling fast and hard like a rock into the pit of my stomach.
Well go ahead and just call me out on it, then.
I wipe my mouth and let out a small, embarrassed chuckle.
“That obvious, huh?”
She nods.
“Okay, well…” I scratch the back of my head and then lean forward, resting my elbows on the table. “If I am completely, 100% honest, no filter… it’s because I wanted to spend time with you. I always want to spend time with you. I’ve alwayswantedto spend time with you. And this felt like a good enough excuse.”
She watches me, and I can tell by her expression that she’s unconvinced.
“What do you want me to say, Charlie? That I regret how things started and stopped with us so quickly? You have to know it’s because I didn’t want to hurt Rachel. She told me you two have talked about it – quite a few times, in fact. It shouldn’t be a shock that she told me you were off limits back then. She didn’t want my dick to potentially ruin things. She just didn’t know when she told me that we had already gone out.”
She looks down at her hands, where she’s tearing a napkin apart on the table.
“You can’t expect me to believe that if RJ hadn’t said anything to you that we would have gone on more dates, Jeremy. I knew what I was getting myself into with you, and I got exactly what I originally thought I would get. The only reason I was hurt at the end was because you’d said things that had me believing we would be going on more dates and spending more time together. But I knew enough about you to know that wasn’t ever going to be true.”
She trails off and I clench my hands in fists, frustrated that I’ve never been able to tell her what that period of time was like, that I was more interested in her than I’d ever been in anyone. That I still am.
“Is it that shocking to you that I would want more from you?”
She stares at me blankly, not letting anything away.
“Charlie, Ididwant to continue things. There’s no reason for me to blow smoke up your ass about that, okay? Idid.And Ialwaysregretted that I didn’t just tell Rachel that I was interested in you. It’s not like she would have never spoken to me again. I’m her brother and her favorite person ever.”
She rolls her eyes.
“But if I’m honest? Again, brutally honest?” I say, knowing I might be shooting myself in the foot. “I don’t know if it would have been a good idea. Back then… well, back then, maybe I wasn’t ready. For you, I mean. You’re this amazing, thoughtful person who always puts other people first, and I was this selfish guy who just wanted to get laid all the time.”
She lets out a humorless chuckle.
“And I’m not talking about you when I say that. Yes, that night was amazing. Am I going to tell you it was the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life? No. I’m not. Because that would be a lie, and I’m done lying about anything with you.”
Her mouth drops open and she looks equal parts shocked and offended.
“But I’m not telling you that because it was bad. It was amazing. It was absolutelyfuckingamazing. And I can tell you right now, it was absolutely the most meaningful night I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt like that before, and I haven’t come even close to feeling like that since. I can’t tell you why. I can’t tell you what was so amazing about that night except for the fact it was with you.”
I take a breath and pause, because Charlie looks so startled.
And upset.
Wait, I didn’t mean to upset her. I just wanted to be honest.
“So like I said, I regret calling things off, but I wonder if it was for the best. It gave me a chance to grow up a little bit. See what it was like without you, and really narrow things down so Iknewwhat I was doing. Because back then? I didn’t have a clue. I just knew I had to keep away from you. So I did. But I don’t feel like that anymore, Charlie.”
I reach over and take her hands.
