I give him a playful nudge with my elbow, to let him know that I’m kidding.
‘I don’t know,’ he replies.
‘Like, I didn’t know if you were doing it to make Beau jealous, or to keep him away from me,’ I say, making my point even clearer.
‘Yeah, I don’t know,’ he replies. ‘I was trying to be trouble, as ordered, but…’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I tell him. ‘It was funny. Exactly what I ordered.’
Ethan dangles off the bed, the muscles in his back rippling as he reaches for his backpack. He grabs a packet of Tim Tams, takes one out, and then takes a huge bite – there is more in his mouth than there is left in his hand.
‘Something weird is happening,’ he says with his mouthful. He pauses to swallow. ‘You know me. I love the chaos, I love the games… it’s just I keep getting this feeling, like I don’t want to mess around any more.’
What is he trying to say? Does he want to leave?
‘Okay…’ I say, hoping he’ll say more.
‘I know, I know, we said we would keep away from each other,’ he continues. ‘But it was never really about the holiday, I just wanted to spend time with you. And I know, you think we’re a bin fire – I’ll shut up.’
‘Hey, I don’t think that we’re a bin fire,’ I insist. ‘Just that we cause them.’
He laughs.
‘Maybe you don’t get the heat without the fire,’ he says simply. ‘Maybe sometimes it’s worth risking getting hurt. Anyway, I need to brush my teeth again.’
He hops to his feet and heads for the bathroom.
When Ethan and I first got together it was a sex thing… except it wasn’t just that, was it? I liked him. I really liked him. It was just too much, too powerful, too chaotic, too scary. Too much like something real. Too much like something I would be terrified to lose.
He went home and I didn’t hear from him, but I did tell him not to contact me again. I know I think that we’re getting clear signs from the universe, that we shouldn’t be together, but what if him turning up right when I need him is the sign?
Did Tiggy have it right, when she said I was only going after Beau because I wanted to get over Ethan, or because I wanted to make Ethan jealous? Well, yeah, but it was more than that, right? Beau’s good-looking, he’s a fucking earl, for fuck’s sake.
He’s no Ethan though, is he?
Shit.
42
The house seems so quiet as I walk down the stairs. I suppose it is still early – Ethan is still fast asleep.
I, however, could not sleep last night. Ethan’s words were going round and round in my head as I tried to figure out exactly what he meant. Does he want something to happen between us? Something real, that is. That was all I wanted, before… everything! But has too much time passed by? If it’s a choice between wildfire and a well-maintained log burner in a stately home, I would be crazy to choose the former, right? Right?
The main problem with me and Ethan is that we’re too similar. We don’t balance each other out, we razz each other up. There’s no voice of reason, no caution – no adult in the room when we’re together. But the way I feel about him is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I just don’t know what that feeling is.
It’s never a bad idea to caffeinate yourself – especially when you haven’t slept – so I head for the room where breakfast is served, to see if anyone is knocking around.
I’m not expecting to find my dad sitting at the table, the sun shining in on him as he drinks a coffee and reads the newspaper. Then again, one of the things I remember about him was that heseemed like he was always up late and early. I’ve inherited that from him, I think, but only when it comes to staying out late and then getting up for work the next day.
‘Good morning,’ I say brightly.
‘Morning,’ he replies.
Dad calls out for a member of staff and asks them to bring me a coffee with milk.
‘Did you sleep well?’ he asks me, his eyes back on his paper already.
‘Yes, thanks,’ I lie.
