“Patricia,” Leo said, his tone firm but fair. “Tess is trying to speak.”
“Which is why,” Mum repeated. “I’ve decided to honour Grace’s beliefs.”
“What do you mean?” Feeling panicked, I envisaged Mum on the phone to Gregbrook Manor cancelling our wedding in favour of a church ceremony. The way our upcoming nuptials had gone so far, and having already declined Saint Oswald’s, it would be our luck to find Reverend Joseph no longer available. All reverends in the vicinity, for that matter. “What have you done?” I asked, at the same time not wanting to know.
Mum smiled, but as was usual of late, that wasn’t a good sign. It offered zero reassurance.
“If Grace wants a member of the cloth to officiate your wedding,” Mum said. “Then that’s what Grace shall have.”
I looked at Leo, who appeared as worried as me.
“Meaning?” I asked, returning my attention to Mum.
“Meaning…” Mum’s smile grew. Her eyes went from me to Leo and back again. “That you are both now looking at your very own ordained minister.”
My brow furrowed, as I realised it had finally happened. My mother had lost the plot. “Excuse me?” I said, while Leo sat there too stunned for words.
“That’s right. I will personally be overseeing your marriage vows.”
I stared at Mum in disbelief, questioning how that was remotely possible.
“Just so you know, I can also perform baptisms, funerals, house blessings, baby naming, and a number of other ceremonies, all of which will be outlined when my official documents and certification come through. I even get a badge. Not any old badge, mind. A clergy badge.” Mum giggled. “It’s surprising what you can do over the internet these days.”
Mum had done some ridiculous things in the run-up to our wedding, but getting herself ordained beat them all. I shook my head and threw myself back in my seat. “Incredible.”
“Isn’t it?” Mum said, not for the first time completely missing my tone.
“Firstly,” I said. “I don’t know what websites you’ve been looking at, but it takes a lot more than a Google search and some random sign-up to become a bona fide registrar here in the UK. So, your certificates count for nothing.”
“But–”
“And secondly,” I said. Deciding it was my turn to interrupt, I leaned forward. “You simply can’t help yourself, can you?”
Mum looked back at me confused.
“I mean, first we had Wendy, the wedding planner, to contend with, then we had the wedding dress to beat all wedding dresses.” Months of frustration rose to the fore. “Then we had Gregbrook Manor because you didn’t want small and intimate, you wanted big.”
Leo put a hand on my forearm. “Go easy, Tess.”
“Easy? After everything she’s done? I don’t think so.” I shrugged his palm away, determined to finish what I’d started.
“I don’t understand,” Mum said, her smile gone.
“Yes, Mum, you do.”
“But I thought you’d be pleased.”
“Pleased?” I let out a mocking laugh. “Initially, I put everything down to your fixation with Louise Patterson’s big extravaganza. Now I realise the poor girl has nothing to do with anything, because as usual it’s all about you. You’re just using the two of us…” I indicated me and Leo. “…to make up for the fact that you didn’t have your own dream wedding.”
Mum’s brow furrowed. “Tess, what are you talking about?”
“Well, you can have it. You and Dad can stand in front of all those people that none of us have seen in years and say I do. Because I’m not playing this game anymore.”
“What game?”
I stared at Mum. “I found the price tag.”
“What price tag?”
