‘I don’t suppose it helps having to see the two of them so loved up. Rebecca’s on cloud nine because Gavin isn’t really having an affair, like I couldn’t have told her that. And Katy’s made the bold step of swapping house keys with this Oliver chap, who we still haven’t met, by the way. I’m not jealous, as such. Seeing them just makes me realise what I’m missing out on. And if I’m honest, I’m not sure what I’ve been searching for has anything to do with babies like I thought it did. Not yetanyway.’
She paused to think about Dan. They may not have known each other for very long, but he’d begun to make her feel alive again. He’d stirred up feelings she’s long sincesupressed.
‘You’d like him, Tom. The two of you are very similar in many ways. And I know if I was to sit here and tell you I wanted to make a go of things with him you’d approve. You told me as much when you were stillalive.’
Her mind drifted back to the day she gave him her word. Having not long moved into the house, they were giving the living room a spruce up with a fresh lick of paint. It took them weeks to decide on the right colour, but colour chart after colour chart and tester pot after tester pot, they finally settled on a gorgeous Dove Grey. Annabel chuckled as she pictured the scene. It was just like them to get as much on themselves as they managed to put on thewalls.
‘What would you do if anything ever happened to me?’ asked Annabel, dipping her brush into the paint tin. ‘Do you think you’d ever get marriedagain?’
‘I’d probably end up a merry widower,’ Tom replied, finishing off the chimney breast. ‘Living the high life on your lifeinsurance.’
Annabel laughed. ‘I’d never meetanyoneelse.’
‘Rubbish,’ said Tom. He stepped back to admire his handiwork. ‘A good looking woman like you, men would be lining up to take myplace.’
‘But that’s my point. No one out there ever could. I wouldn’t let them.’ She got back to her painting. ‘I wouldn’t want another relationship. I might not go down the Queen Victoria route and wear black for the rest of my days, but I certainly wouldn’t start over. I can promiseyouthat.’
‘And I’m being serious too,’ insisted Tom, turning his attention to the alcove. ‘There’s no way I’d want you giving up on happiness just because I wasn’t aroundanymore.’
At the time, they seemed to be having one of those naïve conversations that Annabel assumed most newly weds had. She’d never forgotten it though and while looking back, she couldn’t help but wonder if deep down, she’d known all along their happiness couldn’t last; that they wouldn’t be togetherforever.
Tom, however, clearly had no suchconcerns.
‘I don’t know why we’re even talking about this,’ he said. ‘We’re both stuck with each other, I’m afraid. Neither of us are goinganywhere.’
Annabel took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. If only that had beenthecase.
She gathered together the loose bits of grass she’d pulled up. ‘Please tell me what to do, Tom. I’m so confused, I can’t think straight. I don’t want to break my promise to you, but it feels like I’ve opened a door that I can’t close again.’ Hell, she didn’t even know where the door led considering she and Dan had never talkedaboutit.
She looked around as if waiting for some sort of sign, but all she felt was the cool breeze suddenly blowing around her. She shuddered, feeling chilled to the bone. It seemed the dew from the grass had seeped through her clothes onto her skin. Annabel tried to warm herself up and stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets, her fingers landed on the cold metal of the one penny piece she’dfound.
She wondered if this was the answer she’d been waiting for. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Surelynot?’
While telling herself people had based their decisions on less, she pulled the penny out of her pocket and looked at it. ‘What do you have to lose?’ she asked herself. ‘And let’s face it, you’ve got to do something. You can’t carry onlikethis.’
After turning it over in her fingers again, she wasn’t sure she could be that brave. ‘What do you think, Tom?’ she asked. She looked up to the heavens. ‘Shall I goforit?’
With no answer forthcoming, Annabel took a deep breath. She wrapped the coin up in the palm of her hand for a second and then placed it on her thumb. After a count of three, she flipped the penny high into the air, watching it spin as it first went up and then begancomingdown.
‘Heads, I keep my promise,’ she said. ‘Tails Idon’t.’
* * *
Annabel flittered around the kitchen.None of these jobs were necessary, she just hoped that in keeping her hands occupied, her brain would be occupied too. After folding up the tea towel, she straightened up the coffee and sugar caddies, before moving on to wipe up around the sink. She knew she was killing time before Dan’s arrival. She looked at the wall clock – his imminentarrival.
As if on cue, the doorbell suddenly rang and Annabel stopped still. She dropped the dishcloth in the washing up bowl and wiped her damp hands down the sides of her jeans to dry them. ‘This is it,’ she said, her pulsequickening.
As she made her way down the hall, she steeled herself ready. She put on a smile as she opened the door and gestured him inside. ‘Go through,’ she said, indicating towards the kitchen. ‘Coffee?’ she asked. Following him in, she struggled to look him in the eye and headed straight for the kettle. Her mind raced as she tried to organise herthoughts.
‘Not for me, thanks,’ said Dan. ‘I told Mum I wouldn’t beoutlong.’
Annabel put it on to boil regardless. ‘How is she?’ sheasked.
‘I must say I was surprised to get your call,’ Dancarriedon.
Annabel finally turned to face him. She signaled for him to takeaseat.
His eyes narrowed in response. ‘Is everythingalright?’
