I faintly hear her scurrying around. Opening drawers. Closing them. I feel her panic, sharp and sour, flooding the room.
I manage to open my eyes and see her kneeling next to me, her worry apparent. “I’m going to—”
“Do it.”
She snaps the first arrow, and I curse. Pain might be useful, but it isannoying.
She skillfully slides the arrow out, then splashes some of her healing solution she’s portaled in on me, and I bellow. I want to tell her not to waste it on me. I’ll be fine. It’sherI’m worried about.
“Well, you have about another dozen of those, so you better toughen up,” she says, partially echoing my words from before. “Or did you forget that pain isuseful?”
My anger is a distraction from the pain, and perhaps that was her intention.
“Don’t mock me,” I say, baring my teeth at her. “It’s true.”
She doesn’t know how true it is.
She rolls her eyes, and I want to throttle her. I want to kiss her.
“I’ll tell you a secret, Hearteater,” I say, flinching as she removes another arrow. “Pain makes you powerful.”
She looks disgusted. Perhaps she should. “It does not. Though, I suppose that’s a very Nightshade thing to believe.”
She thinks I’m lying. She doesn’t believe me.
“No,” I say, half amused, half horrified that she is a ruler and doesn’t know this. “It isn’t an ideal. It’s truth. Emotion feeds power. And pain is the strongest.”
She frowns. I feel her sadness, heavy like rain around me. Then, doubt.
“It is true,” I tell her. I know from experience.
I should have anticipated her next question. It would be the next one I would ask as well.
“Have you ... have you everpurposefully...”
“Yes,” I admit. “I have purposefully caused myself pain to access deeper levels of power. That was a long time ago. Now, it isn’t so necessary.” A lie. I might not have physically hurt myself in a while to access power, but I have certainly accessed emotional pain. I’m not proud of it. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, for the good of my line and my realm. I willcontinueto do things I’m not proud of for those same reasons. “And ... there are many different kinds of pain.”
Her disbelief doesn’t weaken.
“Still doubting me,” I observe. I meet her eyes, forgetting the pain. She needs to understand. For some reason, Ineed herto understand. “How, Hearteater, do you think I am so powerful?”
My father’s strength paled in comparison to mine, even before the curses. He could cause himself physical harm without issue ... but it was a temporary pain. It’s impossible to feel emotional pain when you don’t care about anything. When you don’t feelat all.
She stares at me like she sees me, perhaps for the first time. She doesn’t flinch.
She doesn’t recoil.
She pulls out another arrow, and I roar.
She removes the rest, and I curse over and over. I wouldn’t normally do this without draining a bottle of alcohol, but I want to remember it. Even with the pain ... she is here, watching me, like shecares. However short-lived her care is, I want to savor it. I want to remember it long after she is gone.
She helps me remove my shirt, wincing when she sees my body. It makes me laugh.
How long has it been since I’velaughed?
“I’ve never had a woman wince at my naked body,” I say.
She rolls her eyes. “It must be exhausting carrying around such a magnificent ego.”
